It seems like just yesterday that I lost interest in writing a weekly power ranking of NFL teams that you could find on literally any sports website (albeit less funny and witty). Then I blinked and suddenly the season is 75% done. If you are a Bears fan like me, the season was over the moment they chose to draft Kyler Gordon and Velus Jones over, you know, players with talent. If you are a Packers fan, your season didn’t end until Aaron Rodgers started acting like he had been shot every time someone touched him. If you are a fan of the Eagles, then your season is very much still alive.
Now that we are past Thanksgiving and headlong into the Mariah Carey soundtracked Christmas hellscape, it’s time to take a look at every team based on my patented Adam Gase Scale. For those that don’t remember, Gase is one of the worst coaches in NFL history, and managed to get hired by the Jets to be head coach even after he had been discovered to be a fraud. The more Adam Gases on the Adam Gase scale, the worse a team is.
Continue reading “FBC NFL Power Rankings 3/4 Season Edition” →
The sports world was saddened today as Tom Brady announced his retirement, assumably so he can continue what appears to be his true passion of making incredibly cheesy commercials for rental car companies. There is no way to understate Brady’s dominance of the NFL, and you could make the argument that he is not only the best quarterback in the history of the league, but also the best player.
However, I am not interested in comparing him to all QBs or every person to ever play in the NFL. I’m only curious in how Brady stacks up to one man.
And, by man, I mean dog.
Continue reading “4 Ways In Which Tom Brady Is Inferior To Air Bud” →
This weekend featured, if the internet is to be believed, the best week of playoff football, perhaps, ever. Multiple last-second finishes that had NFL twitter going insane and fans of teams getting happy drunk, sad drunk, or angry drunk, depending on who you were rooting for.
And while I do agree that Saturday’s Packers-49ers game was a very good game (though it made me sad for my mom, a diehard Packers fan), I didn’t see two good games on Sunday. I saw one bad game and one reason why football is flawed. And I know I’m not considered the NFL expert on this site, but perhaps that makes my everyman take something to consider.
Yesterday, the NFL done fucked up. So let’s stop pretending like it was good.
Continue reading “Maybe Sunday’s Playoff Games Were Not Really That Good?” →
BOOM! With crazy-ass Al Davis, getting a great coach and keeping them is pure luck. He rolled 7’s to get John Madden. Madden was first hired as the Raiders Linebacker Coach then two years later moved up to the head coaching position to become – at the time – the youngest head coach ever at 32. He lasted 9 seasons with Al Davis, and took the Raiders to a Super Bowl, winning Super Bowl XI against the hapless Vikings 32-14 (yes the Vikings are hapless. They are the Bills of the NFC: 4 trips and 0 trophies).
Continue reading “The Great Gridiron in the Sky is Gifted a Legend￼” →
Well, damnit. I knew i’d inevitably have to do it. It’s a feeling of existential dread. I keep looking away from my computer. I keep looking for something else to do. I take the dogs for a walk. I wash some dishes. But I have to return to this computer. This sucks. This is so stupid.
I really do not want to have to write about the AFC South.
The AFC South is the sad steamed vegetable on the dinner plate. It is Creed in the era of Limp BIzkit. It is Crocs as a fashion statement. It exists to fill a void. It exists because it has to. It joylessly does it’s job and is only enjoyed by the type of people who keep TGI Fridays in business. It’s a combination of both the dumpiest and least interesting places on earth. The fact that these teams aren’t all just forced to play eachother every Wednesday morning instead of wasting anybodies weekend truly feels like a waste. Fuck it. Let’s just get into it.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC South” →
Every division in the AFC feels pretty cut and dry. The Bills in the East. Chiefs in the West. Tennessee in the South. But then there is the AFC North. Every other division is a slap fight at an Arbys at 2am. The North is Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield. It is a full on heavyweight fiiiiiiight. Last year, the traditional powers were met by the unexpected Cleveland Browns arrival into the top tier. Last year, three teams in the division won at least 11 games. To put that in perspective, any of these teams would have clinched the NFC East by Thanksgiving.
The AFC North is a good reason for the entire concept of divisions and conferences in the NFL to be abolished. So everyone that can win as many games as the good teams in the North did last year can get their fair shake in the playoffs, and teams like the entire NFC East can be shot at the sun for their sins against this sport.
Will it happen this way again? Probably not. Attrition in the NFL is a very real thing. Also, at least two teams in this division have regression written all over them. Either way, all eyes should be on this division this season. This is where the big boys play and it’s going to be must watch television all season long. Let’s take a look at the AFC North.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC North” →
The AFC East is like a recent divorcee. The division only knows one person ruling it for a couple decades, and is now lost in the wilderness with a series of people you have to learn to trust in charge. But it’s also new and exciting because everyone hated the one person in charge for the past two decades. The fans of the hated person on top got too full of themselves. They began to think that having a great team was a right, not a privilege. It should go without saying that I hate both the Patriots and their fans.
Now, as the Patriots get decommissioned like an old cargo liner that will be sunk to create a barrier reef, the Bills and Dolphins emerge as the new contenders for the mantle at the top of the division. The Jets continue to be the puss filled abscess infecting the butt cheek of this division. Josh Allen got a quarter of a billion dollars to pretend to still like the city of Buffalo, or any other city that the Bills end up in. We got another Alabama quarterback destined to fail. We have lost dear, dear friend of the site, Adam Gase. But we soldier on. Welcome to the Fancy Boys Club Season Preview of the AFC East.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: AFC East” →
Welcome everybody to my constantly updating live blog where I’ll be giving my thoughts about picks throughout tonight’s first round of the NFL draft. All of the lovey eyes being made between prospects and teams. All of the subterfuge and personality testing. Everything is done. Tonight is where the rubber hits the road. Tonight is about changing teams through the draft and…..BAH GAWD THAT’S AARON RODGER’S MUSIC!
Continue reading “2021 NFL Draft First Round Live Blog” →
I am wrong. A lot. My gambling account this season is a reminder of how wrong I can be. I occasionally get things right, as well. But, oh man, I’m wrong all the time when it comes to sports. When you drone about nothing as much as I do, i’ts bound to happen. With the football season ending a couple nights ago, I was left with the sadness that, not only did I no longer have a reason to get spectacularly drunk on Sundays, but that I had to come to terms with what was probably my worst season in terms of prognosticating and gambling.
Part of it was the fact that i’ve spent the better part of six months with a broken brain. Full stop, not looking for sympathy. I have been able to function as a human being, albeit with medication and therapy. It is hard to focus on football when you spend every waking moment of your life thinking that your entire world is crumbling around you.
The other part of it is that I just can’t throw myself into football like I used to. As Blink 182 opined two decades ago, “I guess this is growing up.”
Life just takes up too much time. Family, friends, a society imploding into itself like a neutron star. Oh, and the whole Covid thing. I got Covid pretty bad midway through the season. 2020 was a shitty year for damn near everyone. I was no exception. So it’s time for me to take some L’s and talk about the few things I got right, and all the stuff I got wrong about the 2020 NFL season.
Continue reading “The Few Things I Got Right, and The Ton of Stuff I Got Wrong in the NFL in 2020” →
February 7, 2021- It’s midway through the first quarter of Super Bowl LV, and in his suite, Kansas City Chiefs owner Clark Hunt is already celebrating. His team, the expected favorite for tonight’s game, has just taken a 3-0 lead over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Surely, the Chiefs would be winning their second consecutive Super Bowl and he would be returning to Kansas City with the Lombardi Trophy and ready to bask in the praise the city would throw his way.
Then, there was a problem.
Continue reading “How The Kansas City Chiefs Won Super Bowl LV, Globalist Cabal Be Damned” →