Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Five

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Five

Splish-sploosh

It was 11:56pm on a snowy Sunday evening in Chicago, nearly a year after the term ‘Covid-19’ had become a fixture in the international vernacular, when I- an educated woman, moderately successful but still basically unknown comedian, and person with multiple receipts for Goodwill donations- accidentally peed on my laptop for the first time.

Continue reading “Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Five”

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Four

Writing off sex toys and other great tax advice

This article is about vibrators and dildos- or as us sex workers like to call them- tools of the trade. This is about: my usage of them, both orgasmic and logistical; my thoughts on them, both functional and existential; and my reviews of them, both honest and critical. So buckle up masturbation prudes and fans because we’re about to dig deep. Like, g-spot deep.

Continue reading “Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Four”

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Three

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Three

My week as an accidental FemDom

Being a femdom/goddess was never my kink or intent. Typically in the bedroom I act as more of a submissive although I do clearly maintain a certain level of control at all times, but I think that’s more a neurotic paranoia thing than a ‘get off by being in control’ type thing. But some fans requested JOI (jerk off instruction) videos and after perusing pornhub (the google of porn), I had a pretty good sense of what they wanted and created some content. One dude took a particular interest in a video where I was wearing a corset and pleather pants ($15.99 from Amazon), and began messaging me for…more. Typically I send a lot of blush face, kiss face, and devil horn smiley face emojis during my OF conversations, but this guy made it clear that what he wanted…what he needed… more than empty emojis was to be verbally assaulted by a woman he found attractive. And thus began my week as a goddess.

Continue reading “Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Three”

Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker – Part One

OnlyFans or: How I learned to stop worrying and wear a mask while selling pictures of my vagina for money 

30 seems as good an age as any to write an in depth expose about the more salacious corners of my life , and the COVID-19 pandemic of the year Where Nothing Good Happened For Anyone, (2020) seemed as good a time as any to try sex-work. I thought a lot about where to start this story- did it all stem from when I got fingered for the first time in a movie theatre by my first boyfriend at the tender age of 14 while watching Napoleon Dynamite? Or should I start just 4 years in the past, the day after The Election-you know the one-where I woke up in tears because overnight, America had somehow elected an orange repugnant narcissist with zero governing experience over an actually qualified but historically polarizing female candidate? Or, I could start with the humid July day in the midst of that UNPRECEDENTED Covid-summer where some teenager didn’t check his blind-spot and annihilated the right side of my 10-year-old Prius (gifted to me a year and a half prior by my Floridian-retirement-community-bound parents). You could say that all of these events had their part to play in what eventually led me to that digital blue lock. 

Continue reading “Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker – Part One”