Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Four

Writing off sex toys and other great tax advice

This article is about vibrators and dildos- or as us sex workers like to call them- tools of the trade. This is about: my usage of them, both orgasmic and logistical; my thoughts on them, both functional and existential; and my reviews of them, both honest and critical. So buckle up masturbation prudes and fans because we’re about to dig deep. Like, g-spot deep.

Let me first start by posing a philosophical question: what is an orgasm? Is it merely a physical sensation of the release of mounted tension, or is it a psychological embracing of physical pleasure? Surely there are physical, psychological, and physiological responses that occur in the moment of orgasm, but why is it that some of us can conjure the orgasm itself seemingly on command while many non-virgins are questioning whether or not they’ve even had one at this very moment? To that, I say, no fucking clue. But I’ve always cum pretty quickly and easily solo or with a partner, so that’s probably part of why I enjoy sex so much. However…up until 2 months ago, I never once used a sex toy to masturbate. Never. Not one time ever. Thanks to onlyfans, I now have three…and… I need to change my bed sheets more frequently.  

Prior to onlyfansing, I always thought there was something unsettlingly aggressive about toy dicks. Without the rest of the dude attached, they’re just these massive untethered penises without context and that still makes me sort of uneasy. Especially the ‘realistic looking’ ones. They’re these massive pieces of penis shaped rubber meant to be shoved into a confused pussy- and I say confused because they do not have the same texture as an actual penis, and they’re really just too reliable. The first time I tried to use the 8” rubber dick one of my fans bought me, it took a minute to wrap my head (and pussy) around it, and getting myself to actually cum was a little more trial & error-based than I would’ve imagined. A sleek little vibrator doesn’t cause me as much turmoil because there’s something almost graceful about what feels like an artistic representation of a penis that has futuristic robotic features meant specifically to cause a level of pleasure that the standard issue human penis is just physically not capable of. A vibrator has context. It has pizzazz. And it comes in unnatural neon colors just to further the fantasy away from the reality. A dildo is just a disembodied rubber cock. It’s the least attractive part of a man standing permanently tall and hard, so It’s like half a step away from nightmare fuel. 

Remember these guys?
You may call them ‘toys’, but Jolene, Dahlia and Mike have become excellent business associates.

Now, in terms of using a vibrator itself, kudos to the first woman to stick an electric toothbrush up her pussy, but honestly I don’t believe we should be able to wield that much power over the most sensitive area of our bodies. It’s the type of thing that even if it can’t actually make you go blind, it feels like it should. Putting a vibrator directly on your clit feels like the type of thing that can rewire your brain and create neuropathways that should never have existed. It’s like pussy coke. Using a vibrator wakes up my pussy immediately and puts the rest of her senses on high alert, and afterwards, there’s this tingling sensation of ghost-buzzing that feels like I have a swarm of drunk bees between my legs. 

I have a promotion on my onlyfans where I promise that to anyone who purchases me a gift from my Amazon wishlist (the naughty one that I better not accidentally send to my family around Hanukkah) I will send a free photo or video of me wearing/using the thing they’ve purchased. Upon receiving the 8” unsettlingly life-like dildo paired with the request of a POV video of me being fucked from behind, it occurred to me that I do not have a particularly conducive apartment to being fucked by disembodied penises with suctions beneath their artificial balls. The sloped ceilings of my attic apartment do not create many opportunities to mount a camera in such a way that the viewer of such a film may easily immerse themselves in the verisimilitude of me bouncing awkwardly on their 8″ rubber penis. The amount of effort that it took me to find a way to make that guy’s logistically annoying fantasy a reality cost me a price far higher than the $10.78 that Amazon sold me the dildo for. And no, it wasn’t my dignity- ha, what dignity?- but in fact, my time. My precious time that could’ve spent figuring out what the hell a boomerang on Instagram is, or more realistically, idly browsing facebook to see how much weight my high school and college friends have gained. The time it can take to set up these ‘shoots’ can be anywhere from 138 seconds to an hour and a half- but that is just in terms of physical movement actually setting up. The mental preparation is half the battle. I legitimately spent hours just thinking about how to make that work. I will never get the time for thinking those thoughts back. (I did eventually use a combination of a webcam, gaffer’s tape, and my phone camera in three separate videos and to be honest, it was not my best work, but the customer was satisfied which is literally the whole point. So… mission accomplished, barely).

In the sense of the higher cost on the customer’s end for what is, in the end, complete amateur content, I sort of see Onlyfans as the Etsy of sex work (with pornhub being equivalent to Amazon). Yes, you can spend very little money on more generic goods that will absolutely provide you with what you’re hoping it will, but that $28 ‘leather’ jacket from Amazon originally made in some sweat shop in Taiwan will not make the sort of individualized statement that the $80 one from the boutique in Wicker Park would. It probably won’t last as long and you probably won’t love it as much either. Now, the premium content on pornhub is premium for a reason- it’s well made, full length, and exactly what you’re hoping it will be. Etsy is a risk. The sellers might never send you the thing and the return policy is basically non-existent. There is no guarantee that the handmade thing you buy won’t fall apart within minutes of it arriving, and it may not arrive for months. Subscribing to an onlyfans page is a bit of a risk. Mine is a $5.99 risk that is legitimately worth it (I promise), but it’s also an actual person on the other end of your fapping. A real live human person who you feel an intimacy with that the most popular pornhub videos don’t even pretend to promise. That’s a bit of a tangent from toy dicks, but also a point I felt was worth making.

So, toy dicks, aka Vibrators & Dildos, aka my vagina’s new best friends- are well worth the investment in terms of orgasms and they have guaranteed an influx of cash in the sense that if I turn on the camera while using one, I’m guaranteed to have an orgasm worth selling. They’ve added spice and variety to my onlyfans page, but if I’m being completely honest, when I masturbate to fall asleep without the camera on… I tend to stick with the basics.

These are the basics.

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