Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker Part Five

Splish-sploosh

It was 11:56pm on a snowy Sunday evening in Chicago, nearly a year after the term ‘Covid-19’ had become a fixture in the international vernacular, when I- an educated woman, moderately successful but still basically unknown comedian, and person with multiple receipts for Goodwill donations- accidentally peed on my laptop for the first time.

My boyfriend is also a comic and he has a joke about how the first time I squirted he was surprised by 2 things: a) it’s not pee, and b) he wouldn’t mind if it was. It’s a great joke except for the fact that sometimes, it is actually pee. At least a little. It’s usually just this slightly viscous substance that is mostly clear and virtually odorless that shoots out of not-the-pee-hole, but every so often, there’s a yellow tinge and a recognizable odor that makes you go “Huh. Well that just happened”. But that’s just the risk you take by being an onlyfans girl known for squirting.

This could literally just be a picture of water. It’s not, though.

I first discovered that I was a squirter when I had sex for the first time with my second college boyfriend/sex partner at the age of 19. At the time, I felt wise, worldly, and wonderful in the art of love-making. Now, looking back, I’m more like OMG STOP HAVING SEX YOU ARE A CHILD GO HOME AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY. The first time it happened, I was mortified. I thought I had peed all over the bed. When he explained the phenomenon, suddenly sex and people’s obsession with it made sooooo much more sense. Orgasms felt amazing. Why didn’t people have them all the time? Oh shit, I think I just solved War. Anyone who is waiting to have sex after they die would clearly be upset enough to commit terrorism, so it’s not like I’m condoning the actions of those involved in 9/11, but I’m just saying I kind of get it. I’d be frustrated too. 

I identified as a squirter for years before I got good at it. Looking back, I realize that between finding out I could squirt in 2010 and actually doing it with any regularity, many years and partners had passed through my life. Squirting was somewhat elusive to me for a while. Why did it happen with some men but not with others? Why was it easier in doggy on a Monday, then in Cowgirl on a Friday? And why was it that my most satisfying ‘fall asleep right after’ orgasms where little clit-gasms without any intense penetration and certainly no squirt, and sometimes squirting didn’t equate to being fully satiated? Why?? I couldn’t figure it out. Even thought we’ve spent many hours getting to know each other, to this day, my vagina remains somewhat of a mystery to me. She’s that cool alt girl with the undercut and quirky rings made out of old board game pieces and a small ‘garlic bread’ tattoo peaking out from behind her conch piercing; her midnight blue lips smirking while you realize the used bookstore you’re standing in burned down 4 years ago. That’s how I see my vagina, anyway- the coolest girl on the subway in 2014. How do you see yours?

Pictured: my actual vagina

So capturing a squirt on camera for the onlyfans proved to be more logistically complicated than I realized…at first. I’ve gotten better at noticing the signs and sort of…pressing pause on my orgasm for long enough to set up the tripod and ring light. I know that sounds insane, but it’s like getting your period- you know it’s coming because your body just…feels different. At least, mine does. Some folks with metal in their bodies can sense a change in air pressure indicating a storm’s a’comin’, and I can sense my uterine lining being shed as well as a gallon of squirt building up and politely asking to be set free. At least now I have the equipment to share it with the world (for $5.99/month).

How do I do it? Deep penetration and clit stimulation at exactly the right time, in a nutshell. The sex toys are pretty helpful with that although I have squirted with a number of partners. The toys are generally more reliable, but the other circumstances have to be right as well. For the best videos with the projectile squirting and huge mess all over the floor, that’s a one-shot-per-day deal because I can’t just make that happen multiple times a day. It’s kind of exhausting, actually. But god, is it awesome. If you’ve never had a girl squirt in your mouth or on your dick, I highly recommend it.

And the culprit was… Mike. In the Bathroom. With really really good timing.

Can all women squirt? I have no idea…I mean, I hope so. I think probably… I don’t understand why, mechanically, if the human body has the equipment why it could never be used, but as I’ve mentioned before, the orgasm itself can be elusive to some people. I’ve heard people say that ‘you just have to relax’ in order to do it, but that’s not just it. I think you have to be intensely turned on and simultaneously pushing all the right buttons in exactly the right sequence at exactly the right time. It’s an up up down down left right left right B A Select Star kind of situation that I just happen to be a little more practiced at… So much so that I’ve actually been able to make the mess at the 14th minute of a 15 minute video chat with a fan even when I’m not even turned on . That’s been the hugest game changer for me lately. I could be going through the motions for 14 minutes just doing my best to give that guy the orgasm he paid for even though I’m not terribly excited about it, but the second I look at the clock and go ‘oh it’s time for a money shot’, I literally speak my intentions into existence and thank god my vagina is a great listener and a helluva trooper. She hears me say “oh my god, I’m gonna cum!” and goes, “yes, boss, right away!” and then just does the thing. This has happened multiple times over the last couple months and it’s a special surprise every time. And I totally get why dudes love watching a woman squirt- It’s proof of purchase, like a literal receipt for an orgasm. It is wet, semi odorless, and highly inconvenient proof that the orgasm in question did, in fact, happen, right there, all over the couch. And as a plus, the guy watching gets to feel like he had something to do with it. It is crowd work for sex workers. It’s a virtual GWAR show. It’s a non family-friendly Blue Man Group moment.

“We paid for this!”

Identifying as a ‘squirter’ is one of the most fun labels you can have in 2021 and I honestly love owning this label. So I’ll leave you with this:

Being a squirter is like putting on a magic show in a beautiful theatre with a very temperamental sprinkler system; if you manage to set it off without lighting a match, people are impressed. It’s like ending your show with a whipped cream canon; it’s not gonna end world hunger, but it is quite the crowd pleaser. And it’s a bitch to clean up.

**Author’s note: If you enjoyed this article, please check out “Life in the Fap Lane: My Pandemic as a Sex Worker”- Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, and Part 1. For all my other content (yes, that too), click HERE!

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