It seems like just yesterday that I lost interest in writing a weekly power ranking of NFL teams that you could find on literally any sports website (albeit less funny and witty). Then I blinked and suddenly the season is 75% done. If you are a Bears fan like me, the season was over the moment they chose to draft Kyler Gordon and Velus Jones over, you know, players with talent. If you are a Packers fan, your season didn’t end until Aaron Rodgers started acting like he had been shot every time someone touched him. If you are a fan of the Eagles, then your season is very much still alive.
Now that we are past Thanksgiving and headlong into the Mariah Carey soundtracked Christmas hellscape, it’s time to take a look at every team based on my patented Adam Gase Scale. For those that don’t remember, Gase is one of the worst coaches in NFL history, and managed to get hired by the Jets to be head coach even after he had been discovered to be a fraud. The more Adam Gases on the Adam Gase scale, the worse a team is.
Let’s get into the rankings!
1: Philadelphia Eagles
A couple seasons ago, pundits were predicting the running football was dying out. There was reason to see that, as well. With a deep crop of young, talented quarterbacks and new rules continuously being set that made life more difficult on defenses, the game seemed to be moving in an aerial direction.
The Eagles are moving back to a more balanced offense, and it is resulting in a team with the best record in the NFL and a clear path to the playoffs. Philadelphia is currently 5th in the NFL in rushing and 15th in passing, with two of the teams ahead of them in rushing having played an extra game. Jalen Hurts has gone from a player people were openly wondering if he needed to be benched early last year to being an MVP candidate at this stage in the season.
The team is also helped by their heavy investment into the wide receiver position. They used a top 10 pick a couple seasons ago on Devonta Smith, then traded for star receiver AJ Brown this offseason.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: They are currently the favorites to go to the Super Bowl. The team is deep enough to survive injuries and is explosive enough to win fast paced games, but strong enough to slow a game down and grind opponents into sand.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: No Gases! This team is good.
2: Dallas Cowboys
Sometimes it is when you get hot that matters. After spending half of the season with their offense in neutral and relying on their defense to win games, Dallas is hitting it’s groove. They have talent at all levels and, with some health, are going to be the biggest threat to keep Philadelphia out of the Super Bowl.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Yep. The NFC East is the best division in football and the Cowboys are a slip up from the Eagles away from being at the top of it.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: No Gases. Adam Gase is the patron saint of terrible, and this team is far from terrible.
3: Buffalo Bills
The Bills should be the runaway favorite for best team in the NFL, but they make dumb mistakes at the worst possible time, and they do that quite a bit. They should be sitting at 11-1, rather than 9-3. Health is a concern, as they have already lost Von Miller and Josh Allen has had arm issues off and on all season. They still struggle to get production out of their running backs. They are deep at wide receiver, but if something happens to their star quarterback, they are up a creek.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: This team will live and die by Josh Allen’s health. Quick, who is their backup quarterback? Exactly.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: One Gase. Just because this team occasionally does Gase (dumb) things.
4: Kansas City Chiefs
We all know the routine by this point. They have Mahomes. They own the Bills. The Bengals own them. The expectation is they will be in the AFC Championship game.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Yes, as long as they don’t run into the Bengals in the AFC Championship.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. No team coached by Andy Reid deserves to get Gase’d.
5: Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings are 10-2, which seems good. They also have a point differential of +10. That’s pretty bad. The Eagles are +112 and the Cowboys are +127. They have the best receiver in football in Justin Jefferson. They have a top end running back in Dalvin Cook. They are basically a Ferrari. But that Ferrari has a Dodge Dynasty engine in it. That engine’s name? Kirk Cousins. There are less than 10 quarterbacks in the NFL who i’d take Cousins over in a playoff game. And one of those ten is Brock Purdy, who i’m honestly on the fence about.
Kirk Cousins exists to ruin your world. He gets your hopes up just to ruin them. He is finding out there is no Santa Claus.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Every year, a team inexplicably gets a bunch of wins and then falls apart in the divisional round. It’s pretty obvious the Vikings will be THAT team.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: Three Gases! That is the proper amount of Gases when your quarterback is Kirk Cousins.
6: Cincinnati Bengals
There is a thing about curse of the Super Bowl loser. The team tends to regress badly the next season. Nobody told the Bengals about that. Or maybe the Rams misheard how that works, because they suck out loud. Cincinnati, on the other hand, seems to be getting healthy at just the right time. Ja’marr Chase goes down for a month? No problem, Tee Higgins will pick up the slack. Joe Mixon has lingering concussion issues? Semaje Perine will pick up the slack in his absence. The offensive line has gotten better as the season has gone along. But the team is going to live and die by one man…
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Joe Cool. Joe Schiesty. Joe Goddamn Burrow. When your quarterback has the swagger of Burrows, your team always has a chance, and this team definitely has a chance.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: No Adam Gases! Gase is the definition of uncool. He deserves to be nowhere near Joe Cool.
7: San Francisco 49ers
It’s such a bad omen this season to be a San Francisco QB, that someone needs to check on Joe Montana to make sure he hasn’t been taken in some ponzi scheme. Everyone make sure Steve Young doesn’t go sky diving. The team now falls on the shoulders of noted human being Brock Purdy. There have been some horrifying suggestions that Baker Mayfield sign with the team if he clears waivers. That’s pretty much rock bottom. They already traded for Christian McCaffrey and have one of the best defenses in football. They are running out of options at this point.
If the team can get away with running the ball 40 times per game and Brock Purdy, who definitely sounds like a 70’s porn star, makes a couple throws, they might get by. Unfortunately, they are going to struggle to win a track meet if they end up laying Dallas or Philadelphia.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not without a quarterback, they aren’t.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 5 Adam Gases! Gase was notorious for being terrible with quarterbacks, which feels like this situation.
8: Miami Dolphins
Remember everything i said about the Vikings? That goes the same for the Dolphins. They have the exact same point differential and two fewer wins to show for it. Tua Tagovailoa is the only thing keeping this team from falling back into football purgatory. They have two great weapons on the outside in Tyreek Hill and Jalen Waddle, but if they are forced to rely on a backup QB, then the offense starts to come undone.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: If anyone looks at Tua’s head the wrong way in the middle of a game, they are toast.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 5 Adam Gases. This team hired him once. So they have the stink on him forever.
9: New York Giants
It says quite bit about the NFL that this Giants team has cratered back to earth after a hot start and is still one of the ten best teams in the league. Daniel Jones is on a trajectory to play for six NFL teams in his career. Saquon Barkley is being run directly into the ground. Their best wide receiver is Odell Beckham, who hasn’t actually played for them in years. And yet, this team will most likely be the 5 or 6 seed come the playoffs.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No. But…well, no.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: No Adam Gases. This team is still overachieving. Gase never did that.
10: New York Jets
All the stuff I said about the Giants, but with a much more depressing quarterback situation. I’m rooting for the Jets, because that means the Patriots probably don’t make the playoffs, and that’s a win for everyone.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Hahahaha no.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 10 Adam Gases. This team hired Gase after he was a proven failure. They deserve so so so many Gases.
11: Baltimore Ravens
DeSean Jackson, who hasn’t been good in nearly a decade, and has been out of the NFL 4 times in the past three seasons, is on the active roster. That should really tell you everything you need to know about this team. Much like every other lead they have this season, they built up a solid lead in the AFC North, only to have the Bengals run them down and pass them.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not unless they are up by 35 points in the 4th quarter, so they can’t possibly give up the lead.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: Four Adam Gases. They don’t actually have a quarterback next year because they tried to play hardball with their generational, MVP award winning QB.
12: Tennessee Titans
It’s never a good sign when this team is on the precipice of winning their third consecutive division title and they just fired their General Manager. In the firing parties defense, Jon Robinson traded their only aerial threat, AJ Brown, because he didn’t want to pay Brown. They got a first round pick from the Eagles, and used that pick on Treylon Burke, who was supposed to be a cheap, effective replacement for Brown. He hasn’t been. This offense is worse, and the team would not be a playoff contender if they played in a division with NFL teams, and not XFL castoffs.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not unless they cloned Derrick Henry.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 1 Gase. It would be more, but nobody really cares about this team, anyway.
13: Seattle Seahawks
If the Seahawks had won their first game of the year against Russell Wilson and the Broncos and then lost every other game, then fans would have been happy. Instead, the team has continued winning, is currently holding a playoff spot, and more importantly, are holding the top five draft pick of the inept Denver team. Seattle has won the season, regardless of how it ends.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, but they are closer than anyone predicted.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. This entire season, combined with Denver falling flat on their face is a full year victory lap.
14: Washington Commanders
This team was completely screwed. They were up a creek without a paddle. Carson Wentz was proving to be the most useless quarterback to ever win any kind of award. Then some idiot on the Bears dropped a punt on Thursday Night Football, it led to their only offense of the night, and they haven’t looked back. It certainly helps that Wentz went down injured, and was replaced by Taylor Heineke, who has been just efficient enough to help this team into playoff contention.
Their defense is about to get Chase Young back, which is dangerous for any opposing team’s quarterback…oh god, this team is gonna make the NFC Championship game, isn’t it?
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, but like, maybe?
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. This team figures out how to win. Adam Gase only knows how to lose.
15: Los Angeles Chargers
It will never cease to amaze me how this team manages to be so bland every year with the amount of talent this team has. The truth is, this team deserves all the crappiness it brings upon itself. Dean Spanos is a jackass of the highest degree and this team has no fan base. Their fans just went back to living in San Diego and realized that their lives were pretty good without football. The Chargers and the Rams exist as a vacation destination for visiting fans, and nothing else.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Nope. No team in the NFL manages to do less with more every year.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: Four Adam Gases. This team is underachieving in an environment where they should be thriving. Very Gasey.
16: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The offense is a massive pile of ass. I think people are going to be tricked into thinking this team is back with their comeback on Monday Night Football against the Saints, but it’s worth remembering that the Saints absolutely suck. The defense is good enough to keep them in games but holy hell. There is no offensive line to speak of, and Tom Brady has the mobility of me. And i’m currently in a walking boot.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: I guess. Until Tom Brady rides off into the sunset. Probably on a jet ski. With two 18 year old models on it with him.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. They got their championship recently enough to not be hurt by Gase.
17: Pittsburgh Steelers
Honestly, they stuck with Trubisky too long, but probably needed to because Kenny Pickett is not ready to helm an NFL offense yet. And Najee Harris probably isn’t great. And they can’t get Diontae Johnson or George Pickens the ball enough. But how about that Pat Freirmuth and the Steelers defense? That’s all Pittsburgh fans care about anyway.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, but i’m probably gonna bet on them next year.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. Pickett and Pickens are good foundational pieces. Adam Gase didn’t believe in things like that.
18: Atlanta Falcons
I genuinely don’t understand this team. They aren’t good. They are helmed by a journeyman quarterback. Their best running back is over the hill. Their best offensive player is on injured reserve and wasn’t getting used in the first place. Their defense isn’t very good. And they are a game and a half out of first place.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Sweet jesus, I hope not.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: One Gase. I have no idea what they are going to do, but they refuse to die.
19: New England Patriots
Nobody enjoys the death of this dynasty nearly as hard as me. Bill Belichick has finally ruined his career. He has not one, but two terrible quarterbacks on his team! His son looks like the dumbest cast member of the show Moonshiners. And the offense is run by Matt Patricia, who is the only person not currently coaching an NFL team that is on the level of Gase. By the way, I definitely said offense, in spite of the fact that he is a defensive coach.
Burn it to the ground, all the way back to mediocrity. This fan base deserves nothing, forever. It was never Belichick. It was always Brady! Now you are stuck on nepotism mountain!
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Nope. Lets dance on the grave.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 50 Gases! This team is beyond screwed! It’s amazing.
20: Cleveland Browns
It is downright stunning that the team that employs one of the worst people ever has 12 teams worse than it. DeShaun Watson is here to ruin the reputation of this respected franch….just kidding. This team is owned by the truck stop version of a slum lord. Jimmy Haslam already has a mural of him and Watson skipping off down the yellow brick road together. Screw this team and all that inhabit it.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not a shot in hell.
How Many Adam Gases is this team:25 Gases. Not as bad a New England because Watson is still theoretically a good QB.
21: Las Vegas Raiders
This team is lingering between full on out of the playoffs, and a stranger things have happened style playoff run. Josh Jacobs is having one of the all time great contract seasons in NFL history. Davante Adams is still Davante Adams. The defense is still the defense (which is to say, they suck). The obvious reason this team isn’t better is because they plucked from one of the dopiest branches of that sour ass rotten Bill Belichick coaching tree, Josh McDaniels. Ownership of this team is addicted to bad coaching hires and dumb hair cuts.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not with their terrible defense.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 3 Adam Gases. Only because the Raiders can’t afford more.
22: Detroit Lions
Give credit where it’s due. This team plays hard. But they are coached by the human equivalent of Cocaine Bear. There are some bright spots with this team but if you look at their team, there is actually more talent than you would think, because it’s the Lions, and we always just assume they suck. They have a top end running back. They have a top end wide receiver. They have a really good defensive line. There are a lot of pieces there. Unfortunately, because their coach is a dumdum and their quarterback is Jared Goff, so this team continues to live in purgatory.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, but don’t tel Dan Campbell that. He is already busy eating drywall.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. Hasn’t this city been through enough?
23: Carolina Panthers
I feel like the Panthers should really bring back Cam Newton, because it would be pretty impressive to have that many top draft picks qb a team in one season. To make matters worse, they drafted Matt Corral in the third round, and he can’t find his way onto a field due to a Lisfranc injury, meaning the Panthers are going to go into the offseason with an unknown at quarterback and a probable need to spend another high draft pick on a quarterback in the 2023 draft.
All of that is to say that this team is in trouble. Thanks god they drafted Jaycee Horn over Justin Fields.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not in any realm of reality.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 10 Adam Gases. This team has serious quarterbacking issues. Just the way Gase likes it.
24: Green Bay Packers
Four of this team’s victories came against an obviously flopping Bears team, a worse-than-we-thought Bucs team, and the Patriots, who are frauds. If they lose one more game this season, they are out of playoff contention. They still have games against the Dolphins and Vikings, who are slightly less fraudulent than them.
Congrats on owing Aaron Rodgers 50 million dollars next year, though. Way to let him dick you over on that contract, you human cheese wheels.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not to anyone whose blood isn’t type gouda.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 10 Adam Gases. This would be offensive if any Packers fans knew how to read.
25: Jacksonville Jaguars
This team spent sooo much money to be so mediocre. This is the football version of the Avatar sequel. Trevor Lawrence has shown signs, but has been frustrating and hasn’t risen enough in his second year for a number one draft pick. They have talent all over, but none of it seems to work together over an extended period of time. The team almost feels like two or three different jigsaw puzzles trying to be slapped together. Oh, and their offensive line is garbage. But everyone saw that coming.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, even though they should be in that absolute gutter of a division.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: Three drunken Adam Gases drunk in a Jeep Wrangler hurling empty bottles at pedestrians.
26: Chicago Bears
Jesus, what a mess this team is. They have their franchise quarterback for the first time since color television was invented, but the new braintrust on the team decided to tear down the defense, then make a questionable draft pick on that defense (not sold on Kyler Gordon) instead of just helping the offense which is what they said they were going to do.
They then drafted Velus Jones in the third round, who is worse than if the team had simply drafted nobody. He has nearly as many fumbled punts (2) as receptions (3). I love this team, but hate so much about what this team has done during their rebuild.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, they don’t believe in defense.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. They already dealt with this blithering idiot once.
27: Arizona Cardinals
The worst part about this dumpy ass team is that they aren’t even putting anything interesting on their Hard Knocks: In Season episodes. If you are gonna be bad, be interesting. We know that this team is melting down like a Russian nuclear reactor, but they aren’t airing any of that. So screw this team for taking away from our enjoyment, both on and off the field.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: HAHAHA, nooooo.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 50 Adam Gases, who will fight Kliff Kingsbury in a deathmatch.
28: New Orleans Saints
Andy Dalton. That’s it. That’s the joke.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: They are honestly closer to being a full-on dumpster fire.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 10 Adam Gases, with the potential for so many more.
29: Indianapolis Colts
It is honestly a horrifying indictment of the NFL that there are actually three teams in the NFL worse than this one. The Colts are a complete and utter disaster, coached by someone who came into the season with as much coaching experience as me, and somehow they still aren’t even the worst team in their own division.
Years of not thinking they need to draft a quarterback have cratered their razor thin championship window, and now they are left with the burnt husk of Matt Ryan, coming a year after catching Philip Rivers in between his 18th and 19th kids. There is nobody in the pipeline and they are awkwardly trying to keep winning games, meaning they will have to trade up if they want a top quarterback, setting themselves back even further. Thank god Jeff Saturday is there to not know how to coach them out of this.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: I’m not totally sure this team is an XFL Championship contender.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 50 Adam Gases! That’s how screwed they are.
30: Los Angeles Rams
The chickens have come to roost for a team that sold their souls for a championship. That said, they did win, and their dozens of fans are thrilled. They are probably going to suck, as they are an aging team that now finds it impossible to stay healthy. But they did it all to win, and they succeeded.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, but it doesn’t matter, because they won last year, and they don’t have any fans anyway.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: None. They have a championship in the past 12 months.
31: Denver Broncos
Just so we are clear: this team traded multiple draft picks for Russell Wilson. Then they gave him an absolutely absurd amount of money. Then they gave him the worst coach, quite possibly, of all time. This team is screwed on a level that cannot be understated. Nathaniel Hackett has less of a grasp of being an NFL head coach than Jeff Saturday, and Saturday has NEVER COACHED AT ANY LEVEL! Hackett and his dumb face not understanding how to work clock management early on in the season is etched into my memory.
This team sucks and has no path out. They can’t even afford to tank. They have to try to win with the least likable quarterback on that side of the Mississippi River, a perpetually injured running back crew, and an even more perpetually injured wide receiving corps. Oh and they play in the second best division in football. Enjoy football purgatory, gents.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
How Many Adam Gases is this team: 1000 Ryan Gases! All the Gases!!!!!
32: Houston Texans
Nobody cares about your stupid team.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Nobody cares.
How Many Adam Gases is this team: Who cares. Infinity Gases.