This is it everyone! It’s the best time of the year. We have three games on Saturday to act as extra incentive to not have to pay attention to your family during the holidays! What did we do without football? Talk? Love? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Let’s play the feud!
1: Baltimore Ravens
On Thursday night, the Ravens didn’t go out to beat the Jets. They went out to embarrass the Jets, and succeeded. They were far off in the distance when Lamar Jackson finally exited the game, having cemented his MVP resume for the season. Whoever represents the AFC in the Super Bowl has to go through Baltimore to get there.
2: New Orleans Saints
Everything I said about the Ravens, but in gumbo form.
3: Seattle Seahawks
Sunday was the first time in a month that Russell Wilson looked like the MVP level player that he was earlier this season. It was very nice of the Seahawks to get Tyler Lockett out of witness protection in time for the game, though.
4: San Francisco 49ers
Injuries are starting to hit the 49ers, but that’s still no excuse for losing to the radioactive waste site that is the Atlanta Falcons. Bravo to the 49ers defense for knowing that the ball was going to go to Julio Jones down the stretch and not bothering to try to stop it.
5: Green Bay Packers
At some point, the Packers need a signature win. They nearly coughed up a lead to a series of laterals on Sunday, and were bailed out by bad refereeing (definitely not the first time I’ve said this about this team so far this season). Any team that can shut down Davante Adams will shut down this entire defense.
6: Minnesota Vikings
Congratulations to the Vikings for being the first team from the NFC North who managed to win a game against the Chargers this year. Seriously, more than half of the Chargers wins this year were against this division, so god bless Kirk Cousins and co. for defending the division’s honor.
7: Kansas City Chiefs
There is just something incredibly enjoyable about a snow game on television. Andy Reid just looks like he is in his natural habitat out there, what with his walrus mustache. And his walrus belly. And the way he moves like a walrus. Walrus’ like cold weather, right?
8: New England Patriots
Congrats, you guys cheated to beat the one win Bengals. I suppose you guys think you deserve a parade now.
9: Buffalo Bills
Everyone is rooting for you Buffalo! Every. Damn. One of us! Just kick the Patriots teeth in on Sunday! Do it for Don Beebe, and Thurman Thomas and OJ Simps….ok, maybe not for him.
10: Houston Texans
Good win for the Texans, but Deshaun Watson is going to have some serious issues moving forward if he keeps throwing interceptions near the goal line. He excels when there is a lot of field to work with, but as the field gets smaller, Watson seems to try to force it too much.
11: Pittsburgh Steelers
This team is not going to win any playoff games, IF they make the playoffs, with Duck Hodges as their quarterback. They need to pray they can win games on the ground, and it doesn’t look like they are going to be able to pull that off.
12: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I don’t care if other teams have better records behind them, or teams that can still make the playoffs rank behind them. In an era where everything is quick screens and slant patterns and whatever low end innovation that a college coach ejaculated into the pro level, Jameis Winston just hucks the ball downfield as hard as possible. To hell with interceptions and completion percentage. Jameis is just out there bombing it.
13: Tennessee Titans
They had their one chance to make it. Division game against the Texans. Steelers lost. Colts in a terrible matchup. And they ended up with vomit on their sweater.
14: Los Angeles Rams
Mom’s spaghetti.
15: Chicago Bears
Somehow, Mitch Trubisky threw for 340 yards on Sunday. You know how, at some restaurants, they have bread on the table, and you start eating the bread, then a family member says “don’t eat that, it’s just empty calories.” Mitch Trubisky is that bread.
16: Dallas Cowboys
I’d rank them higher, but I honestly just don’t want to.
17: Philadelphia Eagles
Remember in Michael Jackson’s song Black or White, when there was a rap breakdown in the video, and on screen Macauly Caulkin is singing it? I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. Like, who was the rapper? Were there no black children that knew how to pantomime a rap verse? Was this song better or worse than the song from Free Willy?
None of this has anything to do with the Eagles. I just don’t feel like writing about them.
18: Indianapolis Colts
“Smithers, i’m starting to think Jacoby Brissett wasn’t the quarterback genius I mistook him for.”
19: Atlanta Falcons
I’ve been calling it for a month. This team just got their signature win on the road against the 49ers. This coaching staff is gonna have their jobs saved and they are gonna do this all over next year. Kudos to Dirk Koetter, the offensive coordinator, though. Shocking that it took 14 games into the regular season to realize that Julio Jones might be an asset near the goal line.
20: Arizona Cardinals
I’m putting the Cardinals here because I’m buying into them more than any other team on this list. You can tell there is something there, and you just hope they can parlay this season into the best defensive player available in the draft and spend some money on its offensive line.
21: Cleveland Browns
This entire team just needs to go set itself on fire in the Cuyahoga River. The only team this decade that won’t have a single winning season. You almost need to try to be losing at this point, which would be a very Browns thing to do, knowing they wouldn’t get a top 10 pick, anyway.
22: Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars have an interesting decision on their hands with their quarterback situation going into the offseason. And by interesting, I mean they basically have to decide whether they want to be shot by a firing squad or beheaded. Nick Foles is going to be a salary cap disaster if they cut him. Gardner Minshew hasn’t done enough to prove he is the long term starter. They have to keep one. They are inevitably gonna look stupid when they draft a quarterback in the first round this year. Dumb teams gonna dumb.
23: Oakland Raiders
In their final game in Oakland, they were booed and had garbage thrown at them as they left the field after losing their final game to Jacksonville. In reality, there was no more Oakland way for this all to have ended.
24: Denver Broncos
What was your favorite memory of the Drew Lock era?
25: Carolina Panthers
What was your favorite memory of the Kyle Alan era?
26: Brighton Chargers
Reports are coming out that the Chargers have pretty much sold no seat licenses for their new stadium next year. The minor league soccer stadium they played in this year was 90 percent Vikings fans yesterday. This team is a weird experiment out to prove that ticket revenues in the NFL are meaningless. That, or Dean Spanos is one of the biggest pant loads in the NFL and has such an unearned ego that he is going to die by the Los Angeles football sword. Yeah, that’s probably it.
27: New York Jets
Anytime you can go out and get completely depantsed on National Television against the MVP and his team that are rolling through opponents like a monster truck, you gotta go do it.
28: Miami Dolphins
It’s not completely out of the question that this team, which tied an anchor around it’s ankle and willingly jumped out of the competitive boat at the start of the year, won’t end up with a top five pick in the draft. I’m not sure what’s more impressive: that this dead whale washed ashore of a football team has gotten to three wins, or that they screwed up their own tank job this badly.
29: New York Giants
LET ELI MANNING PLAY THE LAST TWO GAMES, YOU COWARDS!!
30: Detroit Lions
Matt Patricia is fired when the season ends. That’s a given. The only question is whether they fire him before he even gets to the locker room, or they just slash his tires and hope he gets the idea.
31: Washington I Hope Dan Snyder falls into a cauldron of Battery Acid
If I was in a room with Dan Snyder and Hitler, and I had a gun with one bullet, I’d still kill Hitler, but I’d definitely kick Dan Snyder in the genitals.
32: Cincinnati Bengals
Part of me is rooting for this team to force AJ Green to come back and play the last game of the season. It would serve no purpose at all, but it would be absolutely hilarious to me. Thank god this season is over, so this team can go back to being the Cory Booker of football: completely forgotten about.
Fancy Boys Club 