Fancy Boys founder Matt Drufke doesn’t know anything about football. Lucky for him, Brandon Andreasen and Jack Baker do.
Each week, Matt emails Brandon and Jack NFL questions, they then immediately go and make fun of his lack of knowledge in a secret group chat. They then go and answer the questions. Here are those answers.
1. This week, perhaps the most interesting story is something that happened off the field… well, kind of off the field. The New England Patriots are under league investigation (again) for filming things they weren’t supposed to be filming (AGAIN). This time, a cameraman shooting content for a Patriots web series was filming the Bengals sideline during their game with the Browns. The response from Foxboro seems to be, “Whoopsidoodles!”, which would be more believable if they hadn’t been involved in Spygate, where they were punished for filming signals from opposing coaches in an undisclosed location. How big of a deal is this? What will the Patriots’ punishment, if anything, be? And what should it be? Finally, do you really need video help to beat the fucking Bengals?
Brandon – I think the team should be kicked out of the league. But I thought that before this new allegation came up. The NFL is already trying to get out ahead of this by having noted shill Jay Glazer “leak” some of the footage.
There will be a notable amount of hand wringing and the Patriots will get fined one million dollars, claiming the fine to be “unprecedented.” The Patriots will make a big thing of paying it, their fans will continue to claim the league is out to get them, then this will go away.
Jack – No, the Patriots don’t need footage to beat the Bengals. This has nothing to do with winning a game this year. The Bengals have a new head coach and playcaller, and the Patriots are trying to learn his signals for the future. After the NFL destroyed all of their Spygate tapes, they probably just started creating another set.
It is a big deal because this is the second time they’ve been caught doing the exact same thing. My guess is they’ll have a couple of draft picks taken away, pay a bunch of fines, and then Brady and Bellichick will be forced to play minor league baseball for two years just like Michael Jordan.
2. Right now, eight teams have clinched playoff berths (the Ravens, Chiefs, Bills, and Patriots in the AFC, and the Seahawks, Packers, Saints and 49ers in the NFC). Brandon, everyone here should be reading your power rankings, but let’s assume they don’t for personal reasons (maybe you drunkenly insulted their family). Of these eight, which has the best chance to win it all this year? Do any of the teams in the hunt for the remaining four spots have a chance to be Super Bowl bound? And who will be the best team watching the playoffs from their homes?
Brandon – I do insult many people’s families. That being said, the Ravens are the best AND most entertaining team this year. I think they end up playing the Saints in the Super Bowl. The 49ers and Seahawks are having injury issues at the worst time. The Packers don’t have many games that make you feel like a contender. The Patriots are such garbage, they had to resort to cheating to beat the godforsaken Bengals. The Chiefs defense is sketchy at best. The Bills offense is sketchy at best.
The best team that will be sitting at home will probably the Rams, but they have nobody but themselves to blame for their Super Bowl hangover.
Jack – I agree with Brandon that the Ravens are the team to beat right now, but I wouldn’t count out the Chiefs (who’ve already beaten the Ravens once this year). They have a whole stable of small, shifty and blazing fast receivers who can run under Mahomes deep balls all day. Despite what Brandon thinks, their defense is also much improved and gives them the ability to win every game.
The NFC is wide open and I have no idea who will win, and I’ll just be happy as long as the Cowboys don’t 8-8 their way into the Super Bowl.
The best team watching the playoffs from home will be the Bears because I’m a homer and no one reads these things anyways.
3. Right now, the Bengals are crushing the league in the category of “which team sucks the most”. Clearly, Cincinnati is the odds-on favorite to get the number one draft pick for 2020. But, do they want it? Who is the best player in college football right now and do the Bengals need them? Finally, are the Bengals intentionally playing poorly to make sure they can draft first, or do they just suck this bad?
Brandon – The Bengals are a sadness volcano, just perpetually oozing 4th place lava everywhere. This team did not go into the season intending to tank, but since they are the Bengals, it is always in play. They actually picked the right year to step on 15 rakes on their way to a 1-15 season.
Joe Burrow is going to be the number one pick. The LSU Quarterback just won the Heisman Trophy. He looks like a prototypical NFL qb. The Bengals need a quarterback. This is a no brainer.
Jack – While it would be hilarious if the Bengals bring Andy Dalton back again, they almost certainly will not. They’re taking Burrow with the number one pick. He’s been phenomenal. Chase Young is probably the best player in college football, but only the Browns would take a defensive end over a QB with the first pick in this day and age.
The Bengals didn’t publicly announce their plans for tanking, but maybe their ill-advised trip to Dayton that ruined AJ Green’s season was just the best covert tanking plan of all time. We’ll never know.
Finally, let’s set our sights to the Super Bowl. This year’s halftime entertainment is Shakira, who has not had a major hit in a long time (though the song she made for Zootopia absolutely slaps) and the ageless Jennifer Lopez. Jenny From The Block came under notoriety when she famously insured her butt for $27 million (and yes, you CAN thank me for googling “Jennifer Lopez butt insurance”). Here’s my question: Which current NFL player should insure one of their body parts? And which part? Also, go and listen to “Try Everything” from Shakira. How was that song not a hit?
Brandon – I will absolutely NOT be listening to that song. Here is the NFL All Pro insured team:
Dong-Nick “horse dick” Foles
Jack – Zootopia is great and I watched the mini music video that played over the credits so I’m good. The single most valuable thing in the NFL is Bill Bellichick’s collection of tapes. So the Patriots should insure that and recoup some money for the $1 million fine they’ll be paying in the offseason for Spygate 2: The Spygatening.