Much like Prince at a club in the 80’s, this division bores me. There is one good team and three teams that are already building their draft boards for next season. The Super Bowl champions reside in this division. But so does a team that decided to embark on the Sam Darnold Reclamation Project. Jameis is back! But so is Matt Ryan 😦
Well, it’s almost over at least. Both the anticipation for the rest of the season and me having to pretend to be excited to write about some of these teams. Lets get on with it. The NFC South, everyone.
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It could have been so easy. It was right there for the taking. It took one decision to change everything. The axis of power forever thrown off it’s axle and for once a chance given to so many. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HIRE AARON RODGERS, JEOPARDY, YOU BASTARDS!
But no, instead King Shit Mustache is back to lord over the division again. Aaron Rodgers is like the band Kiss. He keeps threatening to leave our lives, making most of us happy. Then they keep coming back, infuriating everyone but a set of fat, white people. I’ve watched the preseason quite a bit because i’m dead on the inside. I like to make fun of the other shitty divisions in the NFL, but there is a genuine chance the Packers will have locked the division up by Thanksgiving. The quarterback situations range from “fans already booing the quarterback( Andy Dalton)” to “fans are hoping their quarterback gets a bad case of covid (Kirk Cousins)” to “eh, who the fuck cares anymore (Jared Goff).”
If you are going to anoint them, then just fucking anoint them. Let’s do the NFC North.
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Oh yes. oh god, yes. I do these previews every year for one reason. To just asolutely shit on this moribound, pathetic division. Every team in this division deserves to be thrown into low orbit. Their pure existence is proof that bad things exist. It is the Nickelback of football divisions. The Guy Fieri of teams that don’t deserve the national television love they get.
Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the winner of the NFC East had a 7-9 record. Even in a division this bad, nobody in this godforsaken bracket could get fat enough of playing these terrible teams to get to a .500 record. None of them deserved to make the playoffs and at least Washington had the good sense to fuck off quietly in the first round to the eventual Super Bowl champions. But my god. The amount of trash you have to set on fire to burn the energy needed to make this epileptic syndicate of garbage teams with even bigger dirt bag ownership is almost unprecedented.
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Welcome to the AFC West, which is ruled by one team until their quarterback leaves. Outside of the AFC East, this might be the most one sided division in the NFL. In one corner, you have the back to back AFC Champions. In the other three corners, you have a bunch of Barry Horowitz’s that are stepping in buckets and accidentally lighting themselves on fire and stabbing their own players in the lung.
The division is entertaining at the top end, because two of the teams have good quarterbacks. Two of the teams have rusty dildos playing the most important position in football. Those two teams aren’t entertaining. Alright, the week is almost over, lets get through this together. Welcome to the AFC West.
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Well, damnit. I knew i’d inevitably have to do it. It’s a feeling of existential dread. I keep looking away from my computer. I keep looking for something else to do. I take the dogs for a walk. I wash some dishes. But I have to return to this computer. This sucks. This is so stupid.
I really do not want to have to write about the AFC South.
The AFC South is the sad steamed vegetable on the dinner plate. It is Creed in the era of Limp BIzkit. It is Crocs as a fashion statement. It exists to fill a void. It exists because it has to. It joylessly does it’s job and is only enjoyed by the type of people who keep TGI Fridays in business. It’s a combination of both the dumpiest and least interesting places on earth. The fact that these teams aren’t all just forced to play eachother every Wednesday morning instead of wasting anybodies weekend truly feels like a waste. Fuck it. Let’s just get into it.
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Every division in the AFC feels pretty cut and dry. The Bills in the East. Chiefs in the West. Tennessee in the South. But then there is the AFC North. Every other division is a slap fight at an Arbys at 2am. The North is Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield. It is a full on heavyweight fiiiiiiight. Last year, the traditional powers were met by the unexpected Cleveland Browns arrival into the top tier. Last year, three teams in the division won at least 11 games. To put that in perspective, any of these teams would have clinched the NFC East by Thanksgiving.
The AFC North is a good reason for the entire concept of divisions and conferences in the NFL to be abolished. So everyone that can win as many games as the good teams in the North did last year can get their fair shake in the playoffs, and teams like the entire NFC East can be shot at the sun for their sins against this sport.
Will it happen this way again? Probably not. Attrition in the NFL is a very real thing. Also, at least two teams in this division have regression written all over them. Either way, all eyes should be on this division this season. This is where the big boys play and it’s going to be must watch television all season long. Let’s take a look at the AFC North.
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The AFC East is like a recent divorcee. The division only knows one person ruling it for a couple decades, and is now lost in the wilderness with a series of people you have to learn to trust in charge. But it’s also new and exciting because everyone hated the one person in charge for the past two decades. The fans of the hated person on top got too full of themselves. They began to think that having a great team was a right, not a privilege. It should go without saying that I hate both the Patriots and their fans.
Now, as the Patriots get decommissioned like an old cargo liner that will be sunk to create a barrier reef, the Bills and Dolphins emerge as the new contenders for the mantle at the top of the division. The Jets continue to be the puss filled abscess infecting the butt cheek of this division. Josh Allen got a quarter of a billion dollars to pretend to still like the city of Buffalo, or any other city that the Bills end up in. We got another Alabama quarterback destined to fail. We have lost dear, dear friend of the site, Adam Gase. But we soldier on. Welcome to the Fancy Boys Club Season Preview of the AFC East.
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Monday night, current Cub Javier Baez hit a long fly ball that drove in the winning run. The pitch was from Amir Garrett, who has a sordid history with Baez. Javy sauntered toward first, using his bat to mimic a broom while shouting at Garrett. It ruled. Yeah, I’m biased. I love Javy. But the attention the clips of the moment have received is objectively great for baseball. Still, there are many of you who are mad at Baez for his actions. I am here to help.
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Yesterday, the decision was announced that the Cleveland Indians would be changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Because the internet is a place of calm and reasoned discourse, this decision was lauded as a celebration of progress and then people went back to being excited about the start of the Olympics.
No, wait. The World Wide Web is a goddamned trash fire and people lost their fucking minds over something they had never previously cared about.
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I wasn’t planning to start this series until next week, but when Christmas comes in May, you have to take notice. When every normal person absolutely sees a train barreling down a bus full of kindergartners coming and the only person that could stop it is tied to railroad tracks, Snidely Whiplash style. The baseball equivalent of Old Man Yells at Cloud was not only returning to Major League Baseball, he was taking over a team that had a diverse group of big personalities that are redefining how to play the game with fun and joy.
Tony LaRussa needs to chill the fuck out.
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