How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?

How I Got Thrown Out Of The Illinoisans Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Continuing Saga, I Guess?

You guys, I swear… I was trying to be nice.

I went into this weekend with a heart full of love and acceptance and a mind prepared to discuss differing opinions and determined to see the other side of the situation. I was going to be a different person; a unifier, a leader in difficult times.

That lasted most of a morning.

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How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.

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Essential.

Essential.

This past week, morons and douchebags all over our great nation went to “peacefully” “protest” the state capitals of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, and Florida. I put the word “peacefully” in quotes because while there were no reports of arrests or violence, some of these people made a point of open carrying weapons and there were reports of confederate flags and signs with swastikas, which are, as we all know, the two symbols of peace. I put the words “protest” in quotes because some, if not most (hell, if not ALL) of these whiny turd-babies are just mad because they’re being asked to stay inside and practice social distancing and it makes them mad.

The claim of many of these slack-jawed yokels is that it’s time for the nation to get back to work and get outside. Well, as someone who has been working this whole time, let me tell you: it’s a fucking nightmare. You don’t want any of this right now.

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The Definition Of Power

The Definition Of Power

What is power? What does it entail?

Is it money? Anyone can have money. Lottery winners aren’t powerful; they’re lucky.

Is it influence? Hardly. No one really knows what that is or how to get it.

To me, power is like pornography: you know it when you see it.

And no one had more power at any given time that Jay-Z did in 2006.

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How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, part 3…

How To Never Get Booked For A Comedy Show, part 3…

I’ve had a lot of fun writing the first two stories in this series. They’ve been fun for a lot of reasons: it’s been great to reminisce about the old days with some of my friends who have read this, I hope I’m presenting some good lessons on what not to do to newer comedians, and it’s been a super-joy to dunk on some assclowns who kinda (absolutely) deserve it.

To start this newest edition, however, I think I’m going to start with the best piece of advice I can give anyone in comedy when dealing with a booker. Not only is it good comedy advice, but it’s good life advice.

Be honest and self-aware.

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I Wanna Sink To The Bottom With You: Remembering Adam Schlesinger

I Wanna Sink To The Bottom With You: Remembering Adam Schlesinger

I wanted to be the one who wrote thoughts about Adam Schlesinger, who was part of the beautiful group Fountains Of Wayne as well as a man who dipped his toes into songs for television, movies, and the stage. Schlesinger died on Wednesday due to complications from coronavirus at the age of 52.

So, why can’t I fucking think of anything to say?

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