Stars And Barred

Stars And Barred

On April 9, 1865, in Virginia, General Robert E. Lee surrendered the Confederate Troops and ended the Civil War. At least, that’s what Wikipedia tells me, and they seem pretty darn professional about the whole thing.

With Lee’s surrender, our country began a new, unparalleled age of racial harmony and understanding. Gone were the days when people were judged by their skin color without any sort of social, legal or cultural ramifications. As for those who fought for an army seeking to divide the nation? They were judged as traitors and, while still allowed to live and prosper in this new tolerant and forgiving America, they would always be remembered with the blemish for the horrors the Confederacy supported as a reminder that we should never again attempt to divide the nation over the issues of race.

Oh, wait. What I meant was that, even though I live in northern Illinois, I still see dinguses with that stupid fucking confederate flag on their vehicles.

What the fuck happened?

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Soundtrack To A Revolution: A Review of RTJ4

Soundtrack To A Revolution: A Review of RTJ4

The first rhyme comes out of Killer Mike like a war cry: “Back at it/Like a crack addict” and it’s followed by a series of repetitive percussion given to us by El-P. You can call it a beat, but I’m calling it war drums. It sends out a clear message: Run The Jewels have returned. And we couldn’t need them more.

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I Don’t Know What To Title This Story Without Sounding Like A Pretentious, Irritating Piece Of Garbage

As protests happen in Minnesota and there has yet to be an arrest in the murder of George Floyd, I sit here comfortably in my home drinking coffee in front of my laptop. I know the last thing anyone needs right now is the opinion of this tired, chubby white dude about race in this country. And, for the record, everyone is right.

That being said, all I can think about is this story. And I want to share it with you.

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Comic book fans love alternate universes. A timeline that exists in a parallel dimension where the rules are different. Perhaps a hero in this universe is evil somewhere else, or someone has different superpowers. But alternate universes are only fun if they collide with our existing universe. We have to bring the elements that are different and unique into our element and watch as things go crazy and both sides try and cope.

For a while, comic book fans have believed in an alternative universe of their own. In this world, there is a second version of the painfully average film Justice League. A version which is entirely written and directed by Zack Snyder, who brought Man Of Steel and Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice to film audiences. What does this new film look like? Comic book nerds have wondered for years. But it didn’t seem like it mattered. It didn’t even seem like it existed.

However, all of these fans got a shock to their system today, as HBO Max announced that, next year, they will be releasing the Snyder cut of Justice League.

Someone call Powerman 5000 for all of these fans, because we’re about to see what it’s like when worlds collide. The only question is: do people really want this?

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The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

The Official Hierarchy Of Social Media Birthday Wishes

They say that there are only two guarantees in life: death and taxes. I think they’re wrong.

Let’s start with the taxes part. Sure, we all pay our taxes. Except we all don’t. The rich have clever ways of getting around that and I’m pretty sure this is why our current president doesn’t want to show any of his returns. So, I’m going to replace taxes with social media, because I have friends on all the social medium who do not pay their taxes.

And death? I mean, yeah… but, man, that’s morose. Let’s flip that around and instead of death, let’s call it life. Doesn’t that feel more positive?

So, now there are only two guarantees in life: life and social media. And in the middle of those come online birthday greetings. But what’s the right one for you to send to someone?

Let’s get into it.

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Reflection at 20,000

Reflection at 20,000

Over the weekend, Fancy Boys Club hit 20,000 total views for a website. So, if you will all excuse me, I’m about to buy a jet and fly to an island, which I will also buy. See you later, dorks! Next time you see me, I’ll be writing for McSweeneys or some shit!

Look, I’m obviously aware that 20k is not a lot of views for a website. This is still just a place where I get to write nonsense and read some amazing work from writers I really love and admire. However, the last 9 months have been an absolute blast, and we’ve put out some really interesting and special work. I’m really proud of the Fancy Boys Club, and I hope you have enjoyed visiting us as much as we’ve enjoyed giving you things to read. Also, I look at my wordpress app every fifteen minutes to see how well our blogs are doing.

So, if you’ll indulge me, I have a few thoughts.

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Four Questions About The Last Dance

Four Questions About The Last Dance

The Last Dance, ESPN’s brilliant ten-part documentary about the Jordan era of the Chicago Bulls and their last championship season, ended last night and it has a lot of people feeling a lot of things. Personally, I’m pretty bummed that I don’t get to throw myself into any more of this amazing series about my favorite team in my favorite sport. I imagine my wife is relieved that she no longer has to watch this with the additional “Drufke commentary”, which is me telling her stories she does not want to hear during commercial breaks while also trying to justify how I only got one of the trivia questions correct. For Bryon Russell, I’m sure he’s trying to find a cave to hide in for a few weeks after being reminded that after telling a retired Jordan in 1993 that he would have been able to guard him, he unwittingly gave Jordan the fuel he would need to straight out embarrass Russell by scoring on him to win back-to-back finals.

Director Jason Hehir gave us everything we could have possibly asked for, and then some. This is a marvel in not just sports films, but as a documentary. Even I, a die-hard Bulls fan (I can, for example, spell Jud Buechler’s name correctly without looking), learned a whole lot of new things about this era of Chicago basketball. For example, I learned that John Paxson is now bald and kinda looks like Lex Luthor, which is apropos if you have paid attention to the decisions he has made since entering the Bulls’ front office.

However, as much as The Last Dance gave me, when it ended, I found myself asking four big questions. I present those to you here, so we may ponder them together.

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Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…

Installing A Garage Door, Evaluating My Manhood…

A while ago, I went ahead and purchased a garage door opener. It found a good deal for a well-reviewed opener. According to the manual and everything I read, it should take about two hours to install this bad boy. Two weeks after opening the box, I was still working on it. And, in doing so, this task led me to face all of my old anxieties and fears and forced me to look in the mirror and question my masculinity.

This is one of those rabbit holes that is impossible for me to stop falling down once even a miniscule amount of momentum has begun. I hate that I let this happen and I hate what it says about me.

More importantly, however, I fucking hate this goddamned garage door opener.

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May The Fourth Be With Him…

May The Fourth Be With Him…

Let’s face facts: times are tough and we could all use a little good news.

We’re living in a world with coronavirus and quarantines and fucking murder hornets. It’s all stressful and anxiety-inducing and enough to make us want to curl into a ball and wait for better times.

But that why it’s so important to celebrate when good news comes our way. And today, on Star Wars Day, we got some very good news.

Sometimes, the universe gives us a little bit of force right when we need it.

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Support Your Local Podcasters!

Support Your Local Podcasters!

With some states continuing their COVID-19 containment protocols into this month (as Illinois is), people are having more and more free time. Puzzles are getting completed at an alarming rate. Books which were meant to be read are being picked up… to return to the shelf because it’s in the way of the television remote. Series are being streamed.

And yes, it appears to be the perfect time to check out some new podcasts, baby!

Here are some of my favorite podcasts that you might want to check out. To make it even more appealing, these are podcasts created by some of my favorite comedians and content creators in the Chicago (and suburban) comedy scene. Let’s get podcasting!

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