Brandon Andreasen

The Padres Got Smart, and Fernando Tatis Jr. Got Paid

February 18, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Sports contracts and sports car prices. They are the two biggest sticker shock things in the world for white men. Not all white men, of course. But the ones that run to social media to furrow their brows and wave their fist in the air are all assuredly foaming at the mouth with indignation at the fact that the San Diego Padres and their neophyte turned supernova shortstop Fernando Tatis Jr. came to an agreement on a 14 year, 340 million dollar contract that will pay Tatis to stay in San Diego until after his age 35 season, at an annual rate of 24.3 million dollars.

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Sports

The Few Things I Got Right, and The Ton of Stuff I Got Wrong in the NFL in 2020

February 9, 2021February 8, 2021by Brandon Andreasen1 Comment

I am wrong. A lot. My gambling account this season is a reminder of how wrong I can be. I occasionally get things right, as well. But, oh man, I’m wrong all the time when it comes to sports. When you drone about nothing as much as I do, i’ts bound to happen. With the football season ending a couple nights ago, I was left with the sadness that, not only did I no longer have a reason to get spectacularly drunk on Sundays, but that I had to come to terms with what was probably my worst season in terms of prognosticating and gambling.

Part of it was the fact that i’ve spent the better part of six months with a broken brain. Full stop, not looking for sympathy. I have been able to function as a human being, albeit with medication and therapy. It is hard to focus on football when you spend every waking moment of your life thinking that your entire world is crumbling around you.

The other part of it is that I just can’t throw myself into football like I used to. As Blink 182 opined two decades ago, “I guess this is growing up.”

Life just takes up too much time. Family, friends, a society imploding into itself like a neutron star. Oh, and the whole Covid thing. I got Covid pretty bad midway through the season. 2020 was a shitty year for damn near everyone. I was no exception. So it’s time for me to take some L’s and talk about the few things I got right, and all the stuff I got wrong about the 2020 NFL season.

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Uncategorized

WWE Is Out of the Wrestling Game

January 26, 2021January 25, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Wrestling is fake. Everyone knows it. Whether you are a fan or not, you know that what you are watching is meant to be pre-scripted entertainment. Wrestling has been predetermined for over a century, dating back it’s it’s time on circus sideshows to entertain rubes. But the presentation of legitimate sport existed long beyond that, into the golden days of television, all the way through the rise of Hulk Hogan in the mid 80’s. All of that changed in 1989. Vince McMahon, long known as the king of the squared circle, the man who helmed a regional wrestling company from his father and turned it into the apex of the sport, is the one who killed it.

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Comedy

Brandon Watches The Bachelor: Episode Two Recap

January 12, 2021January 21, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Editors Note: Fancy Boys Club Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen has never watched The Bachelor before. His Mondays are normally reserved for Professional Wrestling, which he suspects is more real than The Bachelor. He is going to review and comment as he watches. Check back every Tuesday on Fancy Boys Club for Brandon’s thoughts on this new and scary endeavor.

My worst fears have been confirmed. Every episode is two hours long. For those that need a quick recap of last week, I suggest you watch the WWF classic Royal Rumble 1989. It’s like that, only infinitely more passive aggressive. I feel like the women are going to start getting more brazen towards eachother as they battle for the love of Matt, noted fit human being and cuff link contemplator.

How are they going to start this episode? Last week, we got a dildo!

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Uncategorized

Brandon Watches The Bachelor: Episode One

January 5, 2021January 5, 2021by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Okay so wait. This is two hours long? No. No. No. No. I’m already ready to pull a Goose from Top Gun and eject from this. It’s gotta just be a first episode thing, right? I really don’t have to devote two hours EVERY week to this, do I?

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Uncategorized

The Five Stages of Sports Fandom

December 30, 2020December 29, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Fandom is a weird thing. It’s a cross between hopeless optimism and brutal fatalism, with a touch of immolation and joy sparkled in. It causes grown men to wear overpriced jerseys so they can look more like the players on the field. Vacations, road trips, weddings, and Bat Mitvahs are planned around it. Marriages have been lost and gained to it. People lived by it an people died by it. Fandom is as unexplainable as it is weird. It fills a void as much as it acts as a common demoninator between wide varieties of people across race, financial, and every other divide in the world.

But what forms do sports fandom take? I’m going to hone in on sports fandom because I don’t watch superhero movies. I saw the first Transformers movie and decided, “you know what, this is where i’m going to check out.” If you are reading this and shreiking “Transformers isn’t a super hero movie. How dare youuuu!” Yes, it is you fucking dork.

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Uncategorized

The Chicago Cubs are Embarrassing

December 28, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It wasn’t supposed to end with fans, who had stayed loyal for so long, to get a taste of glory only for them to get punched in the stomach, over and over again. It was supposed to be a new era. Not the penny pinching from the ghosts of ownership past. There was supposed to be a run of talent in the minor league system that allowed for big name free agents to come to the team, as a destination point.

But that is over now. Because the Cubs are now a fucking embarassment.

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Advice

Brandon’s Guide to Adulting: Christmas (Covid Edition)

December 14, 2020December 14, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Being an adult sucks. No matter what think pieces written in large publications like The New York Times and Highlights Magazine tell you, there is no easy way to hit your post-fun-of-not-worrying-about-catching-an-STD days. Getting older involves a series of inevitable truths:

1: You will get a gym membership you will never use, even though you tell yourself this is the month you turn it all around.

2: You are going to develop opinions about certain craft beers you enjoy, no matter how many times you try to shake that feeling by drinking way too much Keystone Ice.

3: Stuff that you promised yourself you would never stress will come down on you like an avalanche. Examples include bills, affording diapers, and tapas.

4: You will lose your friends(more on this in a minute).

5: You are going to start to enjoy music you promised yourself you hated during their youth. You know how your dad always plays Electric Light Orchestra in his car when you are driving around with him? When he was young, he swore up and down that he would never like that shit, and that Black Sabbath was god. Keep that in mind when you are making fun of Bruno Mars, The Weeknd, and Pentatonix.

6: You know what? No. Fuck Pentatonix. They should be burned at the stake to redeem us from an angry god for all of our sins.

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Sports

Are Mitch Trubisky and Adam Shaheen the Worst Draft Combo Ever

December 8, 2020December 7, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

As the Bears fritter away a 5-1 start and find themselves fading into mediocrity for another season, it’s worth looking at the biggest reason they are here right now. In 2017, the Bears famously didn’t bring in Deshaun Watson before the draft because they were so taken with the kind of man Mitch “kissing titties” Trubisky was. He drove an economical car! He was so polite and well spoken! There were a lot of superlatives used to talk about how great of a quarterback they thought Trubisky would be. And all of those words that were ejaculated out of the mouths of Ryan Pace, Ted Philips, and the rest of the Apple Dumpling Gang in Lake Forest, Illinois, turned out to be completely meaningless.

Mitch turned into the Derek Zoolander of professional quarterbacking. He couldn’t throw left. The truth was, throwing to his right and deep downfield weren’t strong suits of his, either. Matt Nagy, who is increasingly in over his head and quite possibly headed for unemployment after the season, doesn’t have a fix and instead of trying to find new voices to help Mitch and the Chicago Bears offense, instead filled his coaching staff with sycophants and yes men, which created a shield around him to protect him from his own terrible play calling. Any doubts about his ability should have been quieted after Nick Foles, who he pushed for because HE KNOWS THE SYSTEM!! went out and completely crapped the bed, his pants, and everyone’s pants around him.

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Uncategorized

Is This The End of Corporate Dick Waving?

November 27, 2020November 27, 2020by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Every year, it happens. An inevitability like the sun rising, taxes being paid, and Rudy Giuliani being a public embarrassment. Besides Patrick Mahomes, the McRib, and horrible country music, it could be what America has come to be known for over the past few decades. It shows up in your email. It shows up in your mailbox. It shows up in targeted marketing ads while you are trying to watch tables get made on Facebook.

I’m of course referring to Black Friday. Every year, the spectre of saving a few dollars on a big screen tv and a chainsaw you don’t need (but what if you might, someday???) leads friends and family members to throw ‘bows with strangers in a Target parking lot, because their beloved CBS sitcoms are just so much more enjoyable on a 58 inch television screen that a 51 inch (oh that Sheldon Cooper, amiright?). It is what causes us to shred any sense of decency with the ferocity of Hulk Hogan tearing off his shirt in the eighties, just for the sake of getting 15 dollars extra off some Rachel Ray cookware that is inevitably going to bow and warp the moment you boil water in it. THOSE PANS ARE JUST FOR LOOKS, KAREN! YOU WEREN’T MEANT TO COOK IN THEM!

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