Brandon Watches The Bachelor: Episode One

Editors Note: Fancy Boys Club Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen has never watched The Bachelor before. His Mondays are normally reserved for Professional Wrestling, which he suspects is more real than The Bachelor. He is going to review and comment as he watches. Check back every Tuesday on Fancy Boys Club for Brandon’s thoughts on this new and scary endeavor.

Okay so wait. This is two hours long? No. No. No. No. I’m already ready to pull a Goose from Top Gun and eject from this. It’s gotta just be a first episode thing, right? I really don’t have to devote two hours EVERY week to this, do I?

So wait. They just jump right into it? No lovelorn into music with the guy being serenaded by everyone on the show? Also, do they just up and start with the ball gown portion of the competition? I’m 8 seconds into the show, and a valet has already opened the door of a limo for a woman cosplaying as a disco ball. The TV 14 logo is still on the screen. This is all happening too fast for me. The human disco ball is named Kate. She brought something with her. I hope it’s eye contact. She is not making enough of it. Come on girl, show some confidence. What could she have brought with her?

DILDO!! IT’S A DILDO!!

That’s it. I’m in. Way to set the bar unbelievably high for me, ABC. Judging by the size of the censor bar, this isn’t a mere stimulation type of toy. This thing is meant to hit all the walls!

Wait. So wait. While the vibrator thing is happening in front, there are four women up watching this through a window. Where are they from? Are they in the show, or are they a well dressed, female version of the old guys from the Muppets? “I strategized, and some of those girls are gonna lose their mind because they didn’t plan ahead.” -Disco Kate, who, if I know anything about professional wrestling, is going to be the villian of this show.

The Bee Gees WERE playing in the background

I’m sure this has been said a million times, but this show would be infinitely better if, instead of Chris Harrison, this show was hosted by Chris Hansen. Just an entire season of a show where nobody is quite sure if an episode of To Catch a Predator will bust out. Also, where did they find this house? Did the estate of Liberace sign off on them using it? How can the economy be in such bad shape when this show has 1.2 million dollars worth of red carpet for the intro, alone?

Ohh, we are about to meet the Bachelor for the first time. People who watch this show are apparently called Bachelor Nation. I feel like they could have workshopped a better name. Bacheloons? Bachtastic Voyagers? Sgt. Bachelor and the Lonely on a Monday Night Brigade?

We are being introduced to our bachelor. Chris Harrison says in an awestruck tone that this Bachelor hasn’t been on TV ever. Good? Like, do they just farm contestants from these shows from previous seasons of these shows? I thought the concept was for a normal guy to find love? Once you are on TV, don’t you cease to be normal? Ken Bone is probably still pulling phone numbers, and his 15 minutes came and went four years ago.

So wait. The network introduced Matt, who was going to be the Bachelor. Then they had women apply for the show? Doesn’t that take the fun out of it? One season, just have some Rocky Dennis looking fella on the show, and really make the women who i’m 99% sure will say they all are looking for a guy with a good personality, to actually put up or shut up.

I promise, these reviews will be shorter in the future. I’m trying to get my Bachelor legs under me.

Okay, so Matt jogs topless and dances with roses. He skateboards. Sick ollie, bro! He works with inner city youth, so i’m already about to feel bad for everything I say about him for the next three months. Does every Bachelor show up on a World War One era biplane? If so, i’ve been missing out. Thank god there was that Range Rover there to get him to the house. He had to, I assume, cross the Sahara to justify that car. Now he is sitting and staring longingly on some rocks. I bet those rocks are gonna have nasty made on them this season.

Ooooohhh la la. Mom in some faux leather leggings. Someone wanted to show up and show out for the camera crew.

Okay, we get it, Bachelor, Matt is impeccably fit. Quit shaming bloggers like me!

They are throwing a lot of stuff in a quick cut montage. Someone just said “The Queen has arrived, bitches.” Now I don’t know whether Dildo Disco Ball is the bad guy, or this woman is. I’m terrified of how little television watching it’s probably going to take me to find out. Also, if I had a dollar for every time I showed up to a party not knowing what to wear like this….

OH yes, let’s meet the women!

Alicia is a balleria from New York. She is getting the first talking head of everyone. I can’t tell if that means she is going to be the first person kicked off, or make a deep run. If this is anything like Top Chef, she is going to be forced to do an elimination cook off at the end against one of the cocky girls with old rutabaga being the secret ingredient.

Abigail is completely deaf. She has a Cochlear Implant to hear. This is my wife’s favorite contestant and she isn’t even watching the show. She seems very sweet and self aware and oh god, she is going to get thrown off a balcony by the “Queen has arrived, bitches” woman, isn’t she?

Kristin is a lawyer. She isn’t getting to episode four. She also apparently goes out in public dressed like Cher, circa 1972.

Magi is from Ethiopia. She is a pharmacist. That’s all well and good, but she is 32. That seems….too old to be on the show. Am I reading this right or wrong, Bachelor Nation?

Here we go. Anna, 24, from Chicago. She says she is a caffeine fiend, and she looks like she would bring a sign to Wrigley Field saying “Marry Me Kris Bryant” but have no problem going home with Dan Winkler. She works at a bar at night in Chicago. Without googling this, I’m just assuming it was Bottled Blonde. Just throwing this out there: I think she looks better with straight hair in the cell phone video stuff than she does with the curly hair in her talking head. No shame in the straight hair game, girl.

Sarah is a news reporter. Her dad has ALS and she moved home to take care of him. She seems like a really nice, thoughtful girl. She isn’t making the finals.

Apparently, we are getting another talking head for Anna from Chicago. Then some more girls. Wait. Aren’t there 20 girls. Did we really just say to hell with it, we only care about these six? They are throwing Lauren in. She is an attorney and looks much meaner than Kristin. I already like Lauren’s chances. She seems like the type that would cut someone’s parachute during the sky diving competition. There is a sky diving competition, right?

Now we are just barreling through women. Pieper is 23 from Oregon. A bunch of random women just walked outside. I don’t know any of them. BACKSTORIES ABC! I NEED BACKSTORIES!

Thank god we got to see Matt mulling over cufflinks. I hope that becomes an integral part of the story.

So Matt shows up in a limo from, I assume, a different part of this Bond Villain estate they are shooting at. What’s going on with his facial hair? It looks painted on, like Carlos Boozer’s hair back in the day. Women are showing up in a limo, but Matt wants to have a one on one with Chris Harrison. I hope Chris gets a rose. After 25 seasons, he deserves it. Chris says there is a phenomenal chance that Matt is going to get engaged to one of these women, aaaaaaand i’m lost. I thought that he had to propose to the winning female. Like, aren’t those the rules? Also, Chris Harrison looks like Dave Coulier if he had gotten super successful after Full House.

Apparently Matt is the first black bachelor, and he is concerned about that. He is making very valid points about racism and biracial marriage in America. And none of that matters, because all I can think about is how big his bow tie is. Like, does that thing spin if you hit a button? And wait. There are 30 women? Dude should just put his cards on the table and try to have a Thirty Onesome. It’s like that episode of Arrested Development when Job is pitching the singles island and says “How do we keep the teases out? We don’t let them in.”

So, do the non contenders get forced into one limo, then the women they know will last til the end get their own limo? Bri is the first girl up. She didn’t get a talking head earlier, so she is dead to me until she gets to episode two. In fact, that goes for the other 24 girls i’ll lose my mind trying to remember in one episode. That goes for Rachel, too. Hey, I recognize broadcaster Sarah! She must be a contender (I have no damn clue if she is a contender). Jessenia needs a rock. Chelsea is a runway model. I wore the exact same thing as her to work today. She looked better in it, though.

Oh dear god, do all of these girls have canned statement for opening lines? No wonder this episode is two hours long. Every damn woman get’s a catchphrase.

At this point, i’m super duper hoping that “Queen is here, bitches” girl shows up in a monster truck or something, to assert dominance.

Oh FUUUUCK Yes. Khaylah showed up in an old Ferd pickup. She might not win this competition, but she has already won my heart. The only thing that could make her better is if she got out of the truck and pelted him with Faygo and Slim Jims.

Goat shoe girl better get eliminated in the next 8 seconds. Same with Lady and the Tramp woman. This is more contrived than a Taylor Swift album. Yea, I said it. Viva La Jordan Holmes!

Lingerie girl has a tattoo right at like, crotch level. Go off, queen. As far as I can tell, this is all about first impressions. That is a goddamn first impression right there!

Aww. Abigail comes right out and announces she is deaf and is going to read his beautiful lips. I hope she wins, but am 90 percent sure she is going to be stabbed during a cheese throwing competition or whatever they do in the semi-finals.

MJ showed up in a car with pizza. And then locked herself out of her car. She is going to be thrown out of the old timey biplane before the end of the first episode.

And we finally officially get Dildo Disco Ball. So wait. Okay, does everyone bring their vibrators. Is there like one person per season who is required to bring a sex toy? That’s like the big reveal for season 33. One of the girls shows up in a full gimp outfit.

Kit is a 21 year old fashion entrepreneur who showed up in an Bentley. That’s millenial for “Influencer who hooked up with a Russian Oil Baron’s Son.”

Victoria showed up like King Mabel, circa 95. And then she fell down the stairs. Yea I tripped down the stairs, bitches! Do they hand these people alcohol like, the moment they walk into the house? There has to be a bartender right there. Kit isn’t impressed by Queen Victoria. I can’t wait for that fight. I’m almost exclusively looking forward to the fights.

Matt is about to give out a first impression rose. I’m not sure what that means, but if it doesn’t go to the woman who showed up in the pickup truck, I riot.

Oh shit, Matt is dropping a prayer on all these women before he starts this popularity contest. Old Testament style!

Also, I just rewatched the prayer for a very specific reason and NO, they did not show the vibrator on the table during the prayer. These people at ABC are pro’s. Give it a year and USA Network will be airing Dildo Bachelor Dance Off, starring at least five women on this episode.

So he is doing one on ones with all of the women? This is going to take for goddamn ever. Oh god. Every. Fucking. Girl. That’s it. I’m gonna start thinking about flavors of Big League Chew I enjoy.

Ok, just doing the math here. Let’s say he gives each woman three minutes to say something memorable for the camera. There are thirty women. That’s three hours of small talk when you take into account the meandering from location to location. That literally sounds like a fate worse than death for me. I don’t like small talk with my dearest friends. By girl 11, it all just starts blending together, right?

Oh good, they are playing chess. Good to see ABC getting that Queens Gambit rub in.

I know I should be paying attention to the small talk between all the girls for clues as to what is gonna happen, but I desperately need him to eliminate 60 percent of this crowd before I can get mentally invested. Also, Dildo Disco Ball named her vibrator after MJ, another girl on the show. Where I’m from, that absolutely ends in a fucking brawl.

Oh come the fuck on. A moonlit drink out of Mason jars in the back of the pickup truck. Give her the win! We don’t need any more episodes. She wins. Maybe it’s the small town in me, or maybe it’s just the fact that some of my drunkest times ever have been in a truck, but Khaylah deserves to win this show.

Kit and Princess Victoria are gonna straight up murder eachother. I feel like the producers are going to demand that Matt keep her on the show for at least 9 episodes. She is contractually obligated to be there to start shit. In the episode where the contestants dune buggy race through the Everglades for a private date with Matt, she is literally going to throw an alligator at Kit.

I want to murder Princess Victoria’s accent. That is some nasally shit right there.

Actually, I take that back. Victoria is Shawn Michaels in 1997. She is Sgt. Slaughter when he became an Iraqi sympathizer in 1991. Victoria is the alpha bad guy on this show. Every other person thinking they are the bad guy are just jobbers. And if you don’t understand these wrestling terms, then it’s going to be a long season for you.

Matt looks exhausted. I’m actually starting to feel bad for him. Dude is just looking for love. Now it’s 3 am and he still has to give a First Impression Rose out, and Princess Victoria still needs to crash an ATV into the pool to ruin another one on one mee…OH DAMN HE KISSED A GIRL! He is full on making out with Abigail. This is night one shit! Does this always happen? Has anyone ever humped night one?

Abigail gets the rose! I have no idea what this means or what is going on right now! Oh my fucking god, this girl is so sweet and Princess Victoria is going to slit her achilles. Like, it’s genuinely horrifying that she is going to get railroaded and lose this. She is going to get railroaded and lose this, right?

It’s time for the first rose ceremony. I thought we just had the first rose ceremony. Kailli gets a talking head. I have no idea who she is. I don’t have any damn clue who most of these women are. What have I been doing with my life for the past couple hours? How many women go to the next round? Please let it only be 8. There appear to be wayyy more than eight. I will never keep up. Just let Abigail win. For the love of god.

16 flowers too many.

And here we go with the rose ceremony! Winners get to move on. Losers get chased off the property with the biplane.

Wait, who was Bri? How is she the first one? Rachel? She was on the show for 12 seconds. Did him and Chelsea even talk? I think I remember Sarah? MJ gets a rose, which is fantastic, especially if Dildo Disco Ball doesn’t get a rose. Kit made it, which means Princess Victoria has to make it. I need the evil vs. evil! Marilyn EXCLUSIVELY got talking heads only when things were falling apart and she still made it. Did Khaylah get a rose? I’ve lost track. There is one rose left. Everyone else gets thrown into the hedge maze to fend for themselves.

Princess Victoria lives to see another day! And this show has legs! Right out of central casting, baby! I still can’t tell if Khaylah got a rose or not? Is she out? Damnit! There are too many women!! Wait, this thing has gone on so long, it’s officially morning!

It’s celebrating time for the survivors! It’s 5:30 in the morning and time to start drinking champagne. According to Parade Magazine’s recap, Khaylah survived. I think Abigail did, too, but I literally have no clue what is going on, and two hours later, i’m more confused than when I started. Did the producers basically say to Matt “Hey look, find like ten girls you really like and give them a rose in the first round, but I swear to god, if you don’t keep Princess Victoria and Kit around, we will throw you into the Hudson Bay.” Those two are like cartoon evil.

Ten seconds into the season preview, he has made out with six women. Is this par for the course? OH MY GOD THEY ACTUALLY SHOWED ATV’S AND SKY DIVING! THIS IS EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR!

“Who are these random ass hoes coming into this house?” –Winston Churchill Princess Victoria

How Is Brandon Feeling After This Episode?

Confused. Hopelessly, hopelessly confused.

What Does Brandon Expect Next Week?

Princess Victoria to slash the brake lines to someone’s car. Also, i’m 90% sure she is the type of person that would brag about sliding into an NBA player’s DM’s just to get him to respond. Like trolling the end of the bench on every team in the Western Conference to get a dick pic from someone averaging 2.3 points per game. The words “Boban slipped into my DMs” has almost certainly come out of her mouth.

They eliminate ten more people next week too, right? They don’t start eliminating people one at a time after this? I’ll be writing these thigs until July, and my will to live will have eroded.

So yea. This was a horrible idea and I genuinely feel like a worse person for doing it. See you all next week!

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