Brandon Watches The Bachelor: Episode Two Recap

Editors Note: Fancy Boys Club Co-Founder Brandon Andreasen has never watched The Bachelor before. His Mondays are normally reserved for Professional Wrestling, which he suspects is more real than The Bachelor. He is going to review and comment as he watches. Check back every Tuesday on Fancy Boys Club for Brandon’s thoughts on this new and scary endeavor.

My worst fears have been confirmed. Every episode is two hours long. For those that need a quick recap of last week, I suggest you watch the WWF classic Royal Rumble 1989. It’s like that, only infinitely more passive aggressive. I feel like the women are going to start getting more brazen towards eachother as they battle for the love of Matt, noted fit human being and cuff link contemplator.

How are they going to start this episode? Last week, we got a dildo!

Ok, so we are just full on getting a girl passing out. Wait. Was that last week or this week? What. Wait. Why is Matt just jogging now. I cannot wait for two hours for this kind of closure? Nice brand awarenes, Peloton. I have one. I tried it for the first time last week, couldn’t get the stupid shoes to lock in to the peddles, and said fuck it and watched Forged In Fire, instead.

Ok, so, we need to talk about something right out the gate here. I know i’m not the core audience of the show, and Matt taking an outdoor shower isn’t for me. But it looks like it’s fall out.

That tree that is just beyond his eye view to the left is going all northeast red and yellow. It’s full on foliage season, and they are making him bath outside? That just seems mean. I wonder if that’s his contemplatin’ shower? Oh man, Vicoria and Kat both were awesome at the putt putt golf challenge today. Who do I choose? I’m gonna need a nice, long outdoor shower to make this decision.

Cut to the girls walking up and I AM CORRECT! Fall weather! You some assholes, produceers.

Katie has hangups about living with so many girls at one time. I am fearful that nobody explained the concept of the show to her. I’ve never watched this thing and even I knew they all lived in the same house until they didn’t get a rose, at which point them and their belongings were put into a Trebuchet and shot off the property.

Ahh, our first Princess Victoria talking head. Fun fact, she took a picture of herself with her dog on Instagram, and people almost immediately figured out a Trump flag was folded up in the background. She deleted the post, which is disappointing. Being a Trump supporter feels suuuuuper on brand for her.

Chris “Fancy Dave Coulier” Harrison comes out. He announces there will be a group date, and 2 one on one dates. I assume this is how Hugh Hefner figured out his weekend plans. Harrison then says that not every woman will get a date this week. That doesn’t seem right. Even the shitty cooks who skate by on Masterchef still have to cook and have their work belittled by Gordon Ramsey.

Bri gets a solo date…I think. Also, I do not actually remember Bri. Then again, I used a lot of alcohol to blot out the memory of last week’s episode, so most of this feels new to me. The note says that they are going on an adventure. This is how she dressed for the adventure.

Either she is wearing her sweater wrong, or she is wearing a baby bjorn to hold her boob in.

The adventure is ATV’s, which is totally appropriate for Bri’s sleeveless turtleneck/sweater disaster look. If she flips the ATV, i’m going to lose my mind with excitement. I assume Princess Victoria is off in the woods with a rope to clothesline her off of the ATV, like Snidely Whiplash. Back at the house, Princess Victoria is being a bitch. I’m not trying to just use glib terms about women on this show, but holy hell, Princess Victoria is a massive bitch. Victoria has a career in professional wrestling, and I don’t completely mean that as an insult.

HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He flipped the ATV. He was out whipping shitties with her on the back and now they are muddy as hell. That’s considered getting to second base in Iowa. Now they are going to strip down and wash themselves clean in what appears to be a moonshine still. Now we see Matt chopping wood shirtless. You are right, Bri, Matt DOES look good without a shirt on.

So wait, are they just drinking champagne in the moonshine still naked? I’m not totally familiar with the process, but I feel like that would ruin the batch. If that isn’t corn drippings they are bathing in, then why even bother? Oh boy, and now they are kissing! The kiss looked super staged, though. Like, there is a producer just off screen saying “okay, now go in for the kiss!”

Back to the house and more Princess Victoria making everyone wish she got hit by a car. She isn’t that much bigger than the other girls. All the other girls can team up and just beat her with sacks of potatoes and socks with nickels in them. Can’t go on a solo date if you are in traction!

There are tiki torches on the property, and i’m not totally sure why it bugs me, but it bugs me so so so so much. Bri is 24. Her mom was pregnant with her at 13, and ostensibly had her at 14. So Bri’s mom is 38. I’m 36. This is a depressing reminder of the passing of time. Time to pour the first shot of the episode. It’s all downhill from here. Now both Matt and Bri are talking about growing up without a dad, so to pass the time, here is a quick story about my dad from this weekend. My brother, our buddy Nick, and I were watching football on Saturday and we decided to have ourselves a bloody mary bar. Anyway, my dad stopped by my brother’s to see my brother’s kid, and see’s the bloody mary bar. After initially refusing, he tells my brother to make one in a to-go cup. All the fixings and whatnot. He only lives 90 seconds away from my brother so he couldn’t do any damage having it, but i’d like to think my dad found a way to take the long way home and just enjoy his bloody mary on a Saturday afternoon. Anyway, back to Days Of Our Lives The Bachelor.

Why do they keep re-assembling the women just so Victoria can piss them off again? From a TV standpoint, I completely understand making her the center of attention. From an actual person to person standpoint, fuck her. Now there is gonna be a group date. They keep naming people off. I hope it’s gonna be a bungee jump off. I really feel like I can schedule this show much better. Give the people what they want: shoving prospective love interests out of hot air balloons over Niagra Falls with bungee cords around their ankles.

Bri is already getting a rose, giving her a free pass for the last hour and a half of this godforsaken episode. Oh, that’s why they can’t do that? They spent their entire budget on fireworks.

Not to go all Smokey the Bear on everyone’s asses, but it can’t be safe lighting off fireworks around all this foliage. Plus, this is probably being shot on a Tuesday. The neighbors have to be livid. Every 4th of July, the hillbillies down the street light off fireworks all night, which is whatever. The issue is, they also light them off on the 5th and the 6th. Just M80’s over and over, all hours of the night. As a neighbor to that: fuck those guys. And Princess Victoria uses this as an opportunity to say she isn’t being negative by giving wholesale negative opinions.

Victoria is the last thing a Target Manager sees before getting yelled at to death.

Victoria says she is gonna sleep on the couch and that she is gonna end up with Matt. I wish I was a woman so I could open hand slap her. This woman has never had her teeth punched in for saying the wrong thing and it shows. “I LITERALLY am a queen.” -Victoria, LITERALLY not a queen.

So the first group date is…dressing all the women up like brides? Also, who is Franko, the photographer, and why would they dress up Rob Lowe like that? Rob Lowe is a good looking dude. No need to dress him up to look like Sylvester Stallone pretending to be the crazy bird lady in Home Alone 2.

The girls have ten minutes to get into a wedding dress. I haven’t been in a wedding dress in a while, but I do seem to think that it would take more than ten minutes to get into one. Also, new drinking game: Every time Victoria says “i’m here for Matt” take a cyanide capsule.

So the group date is really just 18 women dressed in a wedding gown and posing with Matt. How is that a date? Also, it was raining like 11 minutes ago and now the weather is sunny. This is horseshit. Make them slog through the mud in those dresses! Victoria is actually interfering in other photo shoots. She exists exclusively to be sand paper on the show, and I think I goddamn hate her. So is she doing her job? Is there a villian like this on every season? I’m so goddamn lost from a love standpoint.

Chris Harrison shows up and says that Matt is looking for a woman that will fight for him. Seeing as Matt is standing right there, i feel like he could have said it, but I suppose that’s why they pay Harrison {checks google} 200K per episode???? Screw Matt, i’m marrying Chris Harrison. Dude has stacks in the bank already. Half the girls didn’t get their picture taken. Victoria jumped in outside of her turn. Now they are going to fight in their dresses. This should turn about a million times more violent than it will. It’s way too early in the season for blood.

How many Burberry raccoons had to die in the making of the photographer’s coat?

The girls are playing a game of Capture the Heart, because the creative team was working overtime to get that title. The winning team gets a…incredible night with Matt? So like all nine of them, at the same time? Harrison says the rules are, there are no rules. That’s not ideal, because I have no damn clue what the point of the game is to begin with. They said something about finding a heart, and then something else about throwing paint dipped purses at eachother. I really feel like my time would be better spent watching Antiques Roadshow right now.

“I think my team is a bunch of queens, and the other team is a bunch of gestures.” Never change, Princess Victoria. Never change.

HOW CAN WE BE EXPECTED TO TAKE THIS GAME SERIOUSLY IF THE REF IS ON HIS CELL PHONE. HEAD IN THE GAME, BLUE!

The red team won something. They get to have the ten person orgy with Matt, while the other team has to walk their painted wedding gown clad asses home. Rachael is really down about not being apart of the orgy. I would be too. Matt is cut. Now the painted women have to explain to the other women who didn’t have to participate at all what they did. I imagine it was hard to explain. I have the help of a narrator and have no clue what is going on.

Matt talks about how hard it is to be a Christian. Oh fuck off. You are the least oppressed religion ever. Matt is now listening to the next girl talk about how much she hates infidelity while he has a look on his face like “Yo, I already made out with three women here who aren’t you. I was making out with a girl in the moonshine still in the first 20 minutes of this episode.” Matt says he would never cheat. I suppose this is just “free for all” mode. Like sending a nine year old to an all-you-can-eat ice cream buffet. Meanwhile Sarah gets notified by, I can only assume, carrier pigeon, that she will get the next one on one date. I seem to remember Sarah being the one that passes out at the beginning of the show. I am super excited to find out what goes wrong in the one on one date.

Victoria has a complete lack of grasp of the english language, and that might be the thing that makes me most furious about her.

Okay, I have to get this out there in the ether. The jacket that Matt is wearing on this group date is fucking atrocious.

Hold on. I’ll come back to the jacket in a minute. Matt is making out with Lauren with his eyes open. What the hell is that? Is he afraid Victoria is going to come around the corner and axe kick them for her not getting the rose?

Like, what is that shit? Dude, close your fucking eyes and enjoy the damn moment.

Okay, back to the jacket. It’s like a burgundy denim jacket. But like intentionally roughed up. It looks stupid. Fuck that jacket.

Sarah and Matt are doing on a biplane ride for their date. This is very disappointing, as this is something I would consider a perfect date. I can only imagine what the pilot is thinking right now. The entire time, he had to have “you to better not fuck in my plane” going through his head the entire time. Sarah says she is more private and takes time to open up. Hopefully this couch they found in the forest will give her a chance to open up.

Matt mentions that he wonders who is emergency contact is in life. As someone who still has a 401k that goes to my niece if I die because I hate filling out paperwork, I feel this pain. Okay, now he is talking about her not opening up. You know, if I had a dollar for every time I passed out because I was too withholding while trying to find love on a dating show…

So Sarah poured her heart out over her dad and her adversities. Matt says he will pray for her dad. I’m gonna just go ahead and mentally check out and play Pokemon Go for a bit. I just caught a Tentacool. Sarah got a rose and now they are making out in a pool. Maybe I just don’t understand love these days.

So the girls are at something called the Cocktail Party. They are just glaring at eachother on a couch, which is the most i’ve identified with anything on this show. Matt shows up in a tiny Porsche, which I assume ABC got in a package deal along with the biplane.

Abigail wants to remind Matt she is still here. That’s good, because I completely forgot she was here. She had still better win, but I’m terrified of her getting stabbed with an axe by Victoria. So it looks like the cocktail party is just Matt chatting with the girls. I really goddamn feel like I can fast forward through this, but I feel like i’m missing a bunch of stuff by doing that. I’ve now been watching this show for over two hours, and I still have a stupid half hour left. I really shouldn’t be pausing this to create this breathtakingly great content.

Victoria is about to napalm the room for her own gain. Literally bus toss Marilyn. Oh my god, she is really doing it. This is such pro wrestling stuff right here. She is just making stuff up! Full on making it up! I need clarification here. Is this every season? Do they put a plant into the roster of ladies every season? Victoria is the worst human being ever, and i’m counting Charlie Daniel’s ghost. Victoria is trying to get the girls to turn on Marilyn. The girls are siding with Marilyn. I feel like this is something that is gonna be an issue at the rose ceremony, but next week’s rose ceremony, to keep things interesting.

Oh my god, Victoria is a giant pile of shit. Like, I’m pretty much done with watching this show because it’s so obvious that this bitch is only on the show to be a shit bag. I hope she falls into a running helicopter.

Okay, let’s get this rose ceremony over with. I feel icky. At least with professional wrestling, you know it’s all fake and staged. This is at least giving the facade of being real life.

Sarah passes out from the stress. My girl Abigail gets her rose….and wait, to be continued???

I fucking called it. They are doing the rest of the ceremony next week. Victoria survives because this entire show is fake and she creates drama. This is actually worse than pro wrestling, because pro wrestling is basically just “hey, turn your brain off for a couple hours while we tell a story, then move on with you life.” I’m going to be actively mad at ABC for Victoria’s continued presence for days. This is a fake dating show but there have to be at least 30 percent of the women there with genuine intent.

Then you throw a grenade into the whole process, and then let the grenade go off every week for ratings. Also, I use the term grenade because Victoria looks like someone Pauly D would have had a one night stand with on Jersey Shore.

How Is Brandon Feeling After This Episode?

Dirty. Like i’m watching a snuff film, in slow motion, for two hours every week.

What Does Brandon Expect Next Week?

Who cares. This is all bullshit. It’s all fake. Nothing is real. I’m going full nihlistic for next week’s review. The ghost of GG Allin is co-writing this next week.

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