Brandon Andreasen

The Abyss Stares Back: A Pizza Ranch Review

August 4, 2023by Brandon Andreasen2 Comments

I’d been hearing about it forever. Long before a single brick had been laid. No foundation. No down home decor. I was hearing about Pizza Ranch coming to Shorewood. Apparently a crowd pleaser among people who are easily pleased, they were slapping the pizza buffet right on the frontage road next to the highway, ,for everyone to see! Then nothing happened. And nothing continued to happen.

What felt like years passed before building commenced, and even then, the process was long and drawn out. I’d already lost interest by the time they announced the Grand Opening. I was drawn back in. How can you not be when you are a man of my girth? All You Can Eat pizza and fried chicken. That’s a damn fine time, to me. Damn fine.

Early reports were positive, but I decided to wait until a special day to go. I wanted to go on a holiday to get a real feel for the place, and I found my opportunity. I visited Pizza Ranch for the first time on the 30th anniversary of Nolan Ryan beating up Robin Ventura. What a glorious day!

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Advice

A Few Words On Nearly Dying. And Learning Nothing From It

June 28, 2023June 27, 2023by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

I tried writing this post a month ago. I know my scattered history of writing over the past year would lead this to be believed to be a lie. I really did, though. And when I did, naturally I suffered a low end mental breakdown in my attempt. Not even writers block. I couldn’t even pretend the ability wasn’t there. My brain, best known for sabotaging me numerous times in the past, was triggering a shutdown of my abilities to function as a human being. I suppose that makes sense. I was trying to write about how I nearly died earlier this year. I was breaking down because I realized I’d learned nothing from it.

Let’s rewind it back to the end of January. Now, I know i’ve never been seen as the picture of health. I’m more of a human Operation game of a person. Waking up in pain is nothing new to me. I have a bad knee, two bad ankles, a bad hip, a perpetually gout inflicted elbow, various dental maladies, OH, and I started randomly feeling like I was going to pass out this winter.

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NFL, Sports

NFL Post-Draft Power Rankings

May 4, 2023May 4, 2023by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Welcome back, my friends! It’s almost as if football season never ended. In reality, it doesn’t end. Football is a 12 month content machine. It never stops. Maybe you are able to detach from it and live normal lives. That’s not me, though. I spend my days staring at FanDuel, talking myself into burning money on MVP bets in March, and am already scouring the internet hoping to find defensive rookie of the year odds. Yes i’m a psychopath. It’s in my nature.

With the draft wrapping up, the good free agents signed, and Aaron Rodgers finally cast off to get eaten alive by the New York media, lets jump in and do a Power Ranking!

1: Philadelphia Eagles
Super Bowl Odds: +850

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Music/Movies, Pop Culture

Fancy Boys Club March Music Madness 2023

March 13, 2023March 12, 2023by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

The idea started, as all great ideas do, while listening to Saliva.

I was driving down an Arizona highway about a couple weeks ago when Click, Click, Boom by Saliva came on a local radio station. My wife, horrified by the song, told me to turn it off. I said I couldn’t turn it off, because the truth is, I goddamn love Saliva. Or, at least, I did love Saliva. It is one of those bands that everyone has in their life. You forget they exist. Then you randomly hear their song and it takes you back to a time in your life that the song was a soundtrack for.

We then got to talking about the most transformative times in our lives for music. The music that left an indelible mark on us. What was the era that helped form our musical taste, social standing, and style? As we sit in our mid 30’s, closer to the grave than we care to see fit, we look back more wistfully on the times when life didn’t feel like it was crushing us into sand. When the possibilities of the future were endless, and not filled with veterinarian bills and increasingly hostile emails from Blue Apron in your inbox.

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NFL, Sports

The Chicago Bears Got The First Pick In the NFL Draft. Now What?

January 11, 2023January 10, 2023by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

By securing defeat in their final regular season game, along with some absolute god tier coaching by now former Houston Texans coach Lovie Smith, the Chicago Bears hold all of the proverbial chips in the NFL off-season, as they now have the first pick in the NFL draft to go along with 100+ million dollars in free agent money.

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NFL, Uncategorized

FBC NFL Power Rankings 3/4 Season Edition

December 7, 2022by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

It seems like just yesterday that I lost interest in writing a weekly power ranking of NFL teams that you could find on literally any sports website (albeit less funny and witty). Then I blinked and suddenly the season is 75% done. If you are a Bears fan like me, the season was over the moment they chose to draft Kyler Gordon and Velus Jones over, you know, players with talent. If you are a Packers fan, your season didn’t end until Aaron Rodgers started acting like he had been shot every time someone touched him. If you are a fan of the Eagles, then your season is very much still alive.

Now that we are past Thanksgiving and headlong into the Mariah Carey soundtracked Christmas hellscape, it’s time to take a look at every team based on my patented Adam Gase Scale. For those that don’t remember, Gase is one of the worst coaches in NFL history, and managed to get hired by the Jets to be head coach even after he had been discovered to be a fraud. The more Adam Gases on the Adam Gase scale, the worse a team is.

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Uncategorized

How To Be A Working Comic

November 19, 2022by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

1: Go-to as many mics as possible.

2: Refine your set. Know what works in 5 minute intervals. You will always get a 5, 10, 15, or 20 minute spot.

3: Never say you can do a ten if you only have a five. Your crowd work ISNT that good.

4: Be A good person. Just be cool with fellow comics and you will develop friendships from there

5: Be patient. None of this comes overnight. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the mics.

6: Comedy isn’t a race. If you see people getting spots ahead of you, that’s fine. Comedy is 90% sitting around and waiting, and 5% hoping people like your spot. If you love comedy, and are committed to being apart of it, then don’t stress everyone else. Trust your material. Write constantly. Find your voice. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all in it together.

7: Above all else: have as much fun as possible. Trust me. Everything ends. The waiting for your turn. Going to the bars after shows with fellow comics. Sets in Bradley that nobody sees. It’s all worth it.

Love every fucking minute of it.

Comedy, Music/Movies

Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or GWAR?

October 31, 2022October 29, 2022by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

It’s a well known fact to both casual and hardcore Taylor Swift fans that she got her start in “The Toilet Nashville” the preeminent all girls GWAR cover band in the preeminent bachelorette party town in the country. It’s canon in Swift fandom that she went by the pseudonym Swiftcake The Mighty. After the band broke up due to creative differences, Swift would go on to have one of the most successful singles act careers in the history of terrible music.

What isn’t brought up as much, due to Swift and her army’s maniacal desire to hide this part of her musical history by scrubbing the internet by only clicking on posts about Taylor that are in Teen Vogue, is that there is a very noticeable influence in the lyrics that Taylor Swift has manufactured for her and the lyrics of the band she once vomited on people at Acme Feed and Seed in honor of.

Now, with the release of Taylor Swift’s newest album Midnight, lets play everyone’s favorite game!

How hard is it to tell the difference between a Taylor Swift lyric and a Gwar lyric? Let’s find out by playing WHOSE LYRIC IS IT? TAYLOR SWIFT OR GWAR?!?

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baseball, Sports

Potential New White Sox Managers, Ranked

October 5, 2022October 4, 2022by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

It seems like just yesterday that I was speechless. I, like many others, were caught completely off guard two years ago by the report from noted MLB stooge, USA Today lackey, and Jerry Reinsdorf henchman Bob Nightengale, that the White Sox were looking at bringing back noted septuagenarian Tony La Russa to coach the Chicago White Sox. The very same La Russa who had more recently made headlines by getting DUI’s and having dumb opinions about protesting, than had actually coached a major league baseball game. Yet, there his name was, in some form of karmic nonsense, being attached to Chicago because the owner was trying to make right the issues of four decades prior.

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Music/Movies

3 For the Road: Clerks III Review

September 14, 2022September 13, 2022by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

For people of a certain age, the Kevin Smith universe is one in which most have at least stepped foot in. From the original Clerks, to it’s sequel, to all the movies that are (relatively) canon, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, millions are familiar with the interactions and catchphrases set in suburban New Jersey. The characters and in jokes that criss cross the landscape created by Smith. But as all things, there must be an ending. Why did it have to be so damn sad?

There are no real spoilers in this review. Not totally sure you would believe me, anyway

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***There are no real spoilers in this review. Not totally sure you would believe me, anyway***

There are no real spoilers in this review. Not totally sure you would believe me, anyway