Brandon Andreasen

Between The (Cringy) Gutter and the Stars: An Instant Reaction to the Tom Brady Roast

May 6, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Years ago, on a tribute to late comedian Greg Giraldo, Bob Saget spoke on how he felt when Giraldo was eviscerating him on stage. He talked about how he slunk into his chair, his shoulders sagging as Giraldo kept lobbing grenades over and over at him. I thought of Saget talking about this as I watched the life leave Tom Brady’s body during his Netflix roast on Sunday night.

Watching all the way through, you genuinely get the idea Brady thought the entire show was going to be him bro’ing it up with his football friends. He wasn’t ready for Jeff Ross to go after Robert Kraft and his massage parlor antics, which, judging by the rest of the sets, was on a very strict “DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS THING” list. He wasn’t ready for Nikki Glaser to pick up the crown that Giraldo left when he died as “best roast comic alive.” Lord knows he wasn’t ready for Tony Hinchcliffe.

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NFL, Sports

A Chicago Bears Choose Your Own Adventure

March 15, 2024March 14, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

It’s impressive sometimes how quickly you can go from “what are you doing?” to “what, you are doing it!” The Chicago Bears stepped into free agency with the third most available cap space in the NFL, and up until 9:30 PM on Thursday, the results were….underwhelming? Just okay? Good for depth? For the most part, the signings up this point have been moves a team that believes it is close to a championship make. Depth moves in the middle to bottom of the roster. Building strong special teams. Overpaying for a running back they didn’t need.

Generally, those are moves that teams make when they know they are close to a championship level and are safeguarding themselves up and down the roster against injury. Then the Bears traded for future Wide Receiver Keenan Allen. The Los Angeles Chargers came to Allen asking him to take a pay cut. He is due to make 18 million with a cap hit of 23 million in 2024, the final season of his contract. Allen said no. The Chargers proceeded to jettison him to the Bears for nothing more than a 4th round pick.

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Advice, Comedy

Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or Gwar: Super Bowl Edition

February 5, 2024February 5, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

The Grammys have just wrapped up. A night of Tracy Chapman and Billy Joel(both of which I very much care about) and..well pretty much everything else I don’t. While Miley Cyrus went to her hair stylist and said “Give me the Wynona Judd, 1989 edition” while operating sans undergarments (like Wynona Judd in 1989), a beauty came across the stage to regale herself in the “Album of the Year” victory most foresaw.

Taylor Swift isn’t so much an artist as a small nation. She is a blonde haired Che Guevara in the way she incites her followers. While she has become the angst of the Republican Party (and I love her so, so much for it) one nagging thing has always burdened her career: Has She Been Stealing Her Song Lyrics From GWAR?

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NFL, Sports

Fancy Boys Club Football Mailbag: Playoffs Edition

January 10, 2024January 11, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Matt Drufke knows very little about the NFL. Fortunately, Brandon Andreasen does.

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NFL, Sports

Can Your Team Win the Super Bowl: A Guide for Non-Fans

January 9, 2024January 8, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Congratulations, well adjusted adult. You have just spent the past four months spending your Sundays doing repairs around the house, going to brunch with friends, foraging for various vegetables you could purchase at the grocery store instead, or whatever hobby you developed that doesn’t involve you screaming at a TV. As a non-football fan, you have been able to funnel your anger and love and frustration into things that could be construed as a hobby, like splunking.

The calendar has flipped to the second weekend of January now, and that means the NFL playoffs. Mere weeks away from the Super Bowl. Legally, you are obligated to care then. So why not jump on the football bandwagon now. It’s kind of like The Golden Bachelor, only a somehow less depressing look at mortality.

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NFL, Sports

NFL Power Rankings: End of Season Edition

January 8, 2024January 8, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

With the season coming to the end and the playoffs coming up this weekend, it’s time to take a look at where every team stands. More than half of the league is now looking towards Free Agency and the NFL Draft. Some teams don’t have those things to look forward to because they are poorly run and/or have the worst ownership in sports.

I’m listing where I had each team ranked before the season started so I can see how smart (editor: stupid) I was when looking at the teams a few months ago.

1: Baltimore Ravens

Preseason Rank: 6

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Advice

Leaving 2023 Behind

January 5, 2024January 4, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

2023 was the worst year of my life. Kind of unequivocally, honestly. I’ve had bad years. 2023 is the first to try to kill me, though. A couple times, in fact. Even as it spared me, it still found a way to take two very important people out of my life. Thousands of dollars in debt from medical bills. Depression. Anxiety attacks at the worst times. The shadow of this year will cast long over my shoulder far into 2024. While I can leave the year behind, some things will still follow.

I say that to say this: I’m a very lucky person. As I write this, I’m staring at the sun setting on the Pacific Ocean, midway through my second week in my home that I wish I could call home, Maui. In fact,as I stare out towards the vastness of the water, I see a spout from a Humpback Whale, like me clinging to the last hour of afternoon sunlight before the sun disappears over the horizon. I cannot even speak to the importance of this trip both mentally, but physically.

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Music/Movies, Pop Culture, television

Brandon’s 100 Greatest Television Shows of All Time

January 4, 2024January 4, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Recently, Variety released their 100 greatest television shows of all time. And let me tell you…it was asssssssssssss. It was bad enough that i’ve come out of semi-retirement to write about it. If you do something so egregious as to make I Love Lucy as the greatest show of all time, you had better believe i’m going to write about it.

I’ve decided that I, and I exclusively I, am uniquely qualified to write my own list of the greatest shows of all time. What credentials do I have? Go to Hell! Those are my credentials!

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Uncategorized

Legally, I’m Required to Say “Killers of the Flower Moon” Was Good

October 24, 2023October 23, 2023by Brandon Andreasen1 Comment

Note: This is a spoiler free review of Martin Scorsese’s newest film. I promise to not ruin the movie for you…but I am going to try to make you not want to see it.

The movie was slated to start at 6:30. 15 minutes of previews and other nonsense later, the movie finally started. After what felt like seven hours, I looked at my phone to see if it was almost over. It was 8pm. I still had over two hours ago. Weakness fell upon me. There was no escape. Just a vanity project. A vanity project that would never end.

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NFL, Sports, Uncategorized

Who Is The Best Bears Wide Receiver Of Our Lifetime

September 18, 2023September 16, 2023by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

The Bears are terrible. Odds are, if you are reading this, the Bears have been bad for most of your lifetime. With only brief respites of competency, any true Bears fan can point to a personal Mt. Rushmore of their least favorite member of this franchise. Alonzo Spellman. Todd Sauerbraun. Adam Shaheen. Shea McClellin. And that isn’t even to mention the absolute school bus fire that is the Bears quarterbacks. Moses Moreno, Steve Stenstrom, and David Fales come to mind, along with dozens of others.

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