So it’s that time of the year. The biggest sporting event of the season is happening and your favorite team is long since eliminated from contention. The elimination could be heartbreaking (49ers/Chiefs) or predetermined by fate (Jaguars/Lions). Thirty fan bases are left out in the rain on February 13th. And the remaining fanbases?
Bengals fans have been so embarrassed by their team over the past three decades that they didn’t really claim their own existence until a month and a half ago.
The Rams….well, they don’t have fans. I can speak to this because I was in St. Louis over the weekend, when they beat the 49ers to go to the Super Bowl. The team, who existed in the STL until just a couple years ago, do not have many fans (more on this later). The team now exists in Los Angeles, which doesn’t give a damn about them.
Over 70 million people watch the Super Bowl each year. The vast majority of those people are not fans of the Bengals or Rams. Welcome to the Agnostic Football Fan Guide to Super Bowl LVI.
Continue reading “An Agnostic Football Fan Guide to the Super Bowl”
The middle of the 2000’s was a weird time. I had lazily rolled my odometer over past 21 years. I wasn’t really a productive member of society. Summers were spent hanging out by the pool, drinking the day away, and playing MVP 2005 on X Box. I wasn’t exactly career driven, or driven by anything other than a desire to drink and carouse my way through life.
The nice thing about being young and slovenly was that I didn’t really need much money to get by. I worked odd jobs here and there. At one point, we were hired to put a small stream that led down into a tiny reflecting pond in a yard. I won’t bore you with all of the details, but I do seem to remember the yard flooding soon after due to our handiwork. There was also a stint at a gym, a self storage place, and a particularly spectacular flame out at Home Depot.
Continue reading “Little League Baseball Umpiring Tales: Part 1”
With the announcement on Tuesday that the Bears have signed former Kansas City Chiefs director of player personnel Ryan Poles to be their new General Manager, they have cleared an incredibly low bar that many people in Chicago thought they would still manage to botch. The team managed to put someone in charge of football operations BEFORE they signed a head coach. While this seems like a pretty basic rule of thumb, especially since nobody above the GM actually knows their ass from the fail son hole in the ground they popped out of, there was a lack of confidence in them doing the signing in the right order that was very discouraging. In Poles, they also pulled off the rare feat of hiring someone to a position that doesn’t require team owner, family matriarch, and former lover of William Henry Harrison, Virginia McCaskey to have to learn a new name. She can say Ryan Pace and it still sounds really close to the correct name, so she has that going for her!
Continue reading “Future Potential Chicago Bears Coach Power Rankings”
Let’s just call this what it is, a dedication to suck. 2021 felt like a slow morphine drip of mediocrity, or better, 2021 was a terrible sitcom. And by that I mean, nothing really changed. The episode ended and everything just reverted back to what it was before the episode started. Nothing got better. Joe Biden is just folksy Donald Trump. Social media continues to melt brains. Social change continues to feel like it’s going in the wrong direction.
Continue reading “Brandon’s Best (and worst) of 2021”
Nostalgia has always been a mechanism by which people selectively remember history. Nostalgia is a form of currency. Nostalgia is the only reason Dane Cook ever existed. Remember Dane Cook? Remembering Dane Cook is a form of nostalgia.
No other holiday traffics in nostalgia quite like Christmas. And no Christmas nostalgia is complete without being forced to watch “A Christmas Story” every year.
Continue reading “It’s Time To Admit that “A Christmas Story” Is Trash”
Let me start by first saying the obvious: Fuck Cancer. Let me continue by saying something else that is obvious: Norm Macdonald was one of the best, smartest, and most loved comedians that ever lived. The way he told jokes put him in a class all of his own. He never seemed to care about the trends of comedy. He never mattered much for kissing the ring of the latest sensation in stand up. For nearly five decades, he just went out and was quintessentially Norm Macdonald, a character nobody else could possibly play.
Continue reading “Norm Macdonald: 1959-2021”
Every year, I start these previews with the best of intentions. To talk some shit, have some fun, and preview the start of the football season. But by the time I hit the end every year, I want nothing more than to jump into a time machine and beat my own ass for thinking this is a good idea. The end is just me hoping i’m not reusing insults and puns and whatnot.
After this, i’m taking a few days off to not stare at my laptop. Then that will last about a day. Next week, i’m going to be bringing your my division picks, awards candidates, Super bowl pick, and what not. The week after that, i’ll drop my first Power Rankings, which is always going to be a little more sad when I don’t have Adam Gase to make fun of. Additionally, next week, over on Football Absurdity, i’m going to drop my first gambling article of the season, going over every team’s Super Bowl odds. After that, i’ll do a weekly column every Thursday over there an talk about my favorite bets of the gambling week.
That’s what you do when you truly, deeply hate something. You double down and do even more of it! Now let’s check otu the NFC West!
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC West”
Much like Prince at a club in the 80’s, this division bores me. There is one good team and three teams that are already building their draft boards for next season. The Super Bowl champions reside in this division. But so does a team that decided to embark on the Sam Darnold Reclamation Project. Jameis is back! But so is Matt Ryan 😦
Well, it’s almost over at least. Both the anticipation for the rest of the season and me having to pretend to be excited to write about some of these teams. Lets get on with it. The NFC South, everyone.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC South”
It could have been so easy. It was right there for the taking. It took one decision to change everything. The axis of power forever thrown off it’s axle and for once a chance given to so many. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HIRE AARON RODGERS, JEOPARDY, YOU BASTARDS!
But no, instead King Shit Mustache is back to lord over the division again. Aaron Rodgers is like the band Kiss. He keeps threatening to leave our lives, making most of us happy. Then they keep coming back, infuriating everyone but a set of fat, white people. I’ve watched the preseason quite a bit because i’m dead on the inside. I like to make fun of the other shitty divisions in the NFL, but there is a genuine chance the Packers will have locked the division up by Thanksgiving. The quarterback situations range from “fans already booing the quarterback( Andy Dalton)” to “fans are hoping their quarterback gets a bad case of covid (Kirk Cousins)” to “eh, who the fuck cares anymore (Jared Goff).”
If you are going to anoint them, then just fucking anoint them. Let’s do the NFC North.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC North”
Oh yes. oh god, yes. I do these previews every year for one reason. To just asolutely shit on this moribound, pathetic division. Every team in this division deserves to be thrown into low orbit. Their pure existence is proof that bad things exist. It is the Nickelback of football divisions. The Guy Fieri of teams that don’t deserve the national television love they get.
Now would be a good time to remind everyone that the winner of the NFC East had a 7-9 record. Even in a division this bad, nobody in this godforsaken bracket could get fat enough of playing these terrible teams to get to a .500 record. None of them deserved to make the playoffs and at least Washington had the good sense to fuck off quietly in the first round to the eventual Super Bowl champions. But my god. The amount of trash you have to set on fire to burn the energy needed to make this epileptic syndicate of garbage teams with even bigger dirt bag ownership is almost unprecedented.
Continue reading “FBC 2021 NFL Preview: NFC East”