Brandon Andreasen

Fancy Boys Club NFL Mock Draft 2.0

April 24, 2025April 24, 2025by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Congrats, my football loving friends. We have finally hit the end of the football season. The churn of the 2024 NFL season, playoffs, Super Bowl, free agency and now NFL draft are over. After this weekend, we can take a collective break and catch up with friends and family, or much more likely, gamble on playoff basketball and baseball. AND, if you are as big of a degenerate as me, gamble on Korean ping pong at 3am.

For now though, all focus brings us to Green Bay, where the NFL will be taking place on Thursday (first round), Friday (second and third round), and Saturday (rounds 4-7).

This year’s draft class is considered one of the worst in recent memory, at least in terms of projections towards the future. The first few picks seem pretty well solidified, and there is not a generational quarterback in the draft that would get people excited, or teams willing to mortgage years worth of draft picks to get a transcendent star. What the draft lacks in star power though, it makes up for in sheer “someone is going to do something really stupid” excitement.

As we stand right now, this is the latest the draft has gone without a first round pick being traded. I’m predicting this doesn’t last. The Giants are trying to trade out of their pick so they can justify drafting a quarterback a little later. The Jaguars have always been a team that comes from left field with their picks. The Raiders always find a way to screw it up.

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Fancy Boys Club Drafts, NFL, Sports

Fancy Boys Club NFL Mock Draft Version 1.0

March 4, 2025March 3, 2025by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

There is no offseason in the NFL. There is PLENTY of offseason for me. The last time I wrote, Bill Belichick was still pretending that he was an NFL coaching candidate, the Chiefs felt inevitable, and people merely assumed Myles Garrett wanted out of Cleveland. But there is no offseason for the NFL. Before the hangover of the Philadelphia Eagles’ Super Bowl win had fully cleared, teams were assembling last weekend in Indianapolis for the NFL Draft Combine, where all of the best college players (except the ones who are too good to do drills) came to get judged based on their ability to jump, run in a straight line, and pretend that they want to be drafted by the New York Giants.

In an effort to be more like every other sports website, I’ve taken on the task of entering the 1,702,344th 2025 NFL Mock Draft into the universe. The difference between this and so many others you will read? This one is totally serious. I’ll be including projected trades, and will definitely take team competence into mind when making these picks. So without further adieu, let’s slap this donkey.

1st Pick: Shedeur Sanders, QB, New York Giants

The Giants trade with the Titans to get to the top of the draft to draft the best quarterback in the draft, then proceed to draft the second best quarterback in the draft. In order to do so, the Giants trade the number three pick this year, their first round pick next year, and John Mara offers up either one of his granddaughters, actresses Rooney and Kate Mara to dead Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams, in some afterlife version of the movie Indecent Proposal.

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NFL, Sports

Who Will Be The Next Chicago Bears Coach?

December 7, 2024December 6, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

~~After another disappointing season in 2023, the Chicago Bears have fired head coach Matt Eberflus.~~

After disasterous play calling at the end of the Washington Commanders game, the Bears have fired Matt Eberflus in an unprecedented move, with the team still at 4-3 and very much in contention in the NFC.

~~After a second no-show act by his team in an unquestionably embarrassing loss to the New England Patriots, the Bears have relieved Matt Eberflus of his duties as head coach.~~

~~Bad end of game play calling and an opposing special teams purportedly knowing exactly what needed to be done to block a kick has finally undone Matt Eberflus as Bears coach.~~

Oh, now you are gonna do it? All it took was an open rebellion by the defense after one of the most obvious and mystifying time management mistakes in NFL history, that of which’s history books have already been rewritten at least twice this season by the very same coach has caused Matt Eberflus to get fired so he can spend more time with his bees?

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Music/Movies, Pop Culture

So You Don’t Have To: A Limp Bizkit Concert

July 21, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Everything feels vaguely off. It’s not the mind altering drugs. It’s not the fact that I’d competed in two hot sauce eating conversations during the afternoon. It was because everyone around me looked like they had been arrested at some point for stealing Catalytic Converters.

No, I wasn’t at a penal colony. Or a job fair for Port-A-John workers, or a Kid Rock cruise. I was at a Limp Bizkit concert. Desperately trying to figure out how I got there, and spastically trying to figure out how to leave if all the cans of Zyn go empty in this joint.

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food

So You Don’t Have To: The McDonalds Kit Kat Banana Split McFlurry

July 11, 2024July 10, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Ice cream packed with candy bars is an age old tradition. Like baseball. Or Kendrick Lamar ending beefs heroically. And much like Kendrick dropping “Not Like Us” on the Fourth of July, another great American experience has dropped around Independence Day.

I can’t help myself. As a fat, some things just tend to jump out at me. So when I saw the press release for the new frozen concoction from McDonalds, I was immediately intrigued. Dropped on 7/10, the Kit Kat Banana Split McFlurry is a mad libs experiment in things that McDonalds has decided they can get away with dumping into ice cream and having people enjoy. Did I enjoy it? Let’s find out.

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food

So You Don’t Have To: The Taco Bell Big Cheez-It

July 8, 2024July 7, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Mashups were really popular in 2009. They faded in popularity, and now are only used by the type of out-of-touch brand execs that are trying to shoehorn competing ideas into one godawful idea. Taco Bell has used this concept to success in the past. The Doritos Locos Taco was a hit that continues to be a mainstay on their menu. If you look at the spectrum of successful fast food amalgamations, the Doritos dust laced taco has to be at the most successful side of the spectrum. Could Taco Bell pull off another food of the summer with their latest Frankenstein monster of a project, the Big Cheez-It? I found out, so you don’t have to.

Business: Taco Bell
Item: Big Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme and Big Cheez-It Tostada
Calories: 570 for the Supreme, 230 for the Tostada

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Comedy, Pop Culture, television

Jack Baker’s Best Moments on the WGN Morning Show, Ranked

July 5, 2024July 5, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Jack Baker is, by all accounts, a very successful local comedian. He is the main editor on this very site, has a Youtube special, and this weekend, he will be headlining the Comedy Vault in Batavia on July 6th at 7 pm. Buy Your Tickets Here. To help drum up interest in his set, he was tasked with going on WGN Morning News on Wednesday to talk about his special, his life, and ostensibly, his lifelong war against milk.

This is a big deal for any comic. But as any comic worth his weight in cheap liquor knows, we are also a very vindictive bunch who doesn’t want to see anyone else succeed! With that in mind, let’s take a look at Jack Baker’s WGN Morning News appearance and go over every bit, then rank them at the end!

Ren Faire Is Deliriously Stupid

June 17, 2024June 16, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

They say that sometimes truth is weirder than fiction. Sometimes the truth is also dumb, brutally horny, and filled with wayyyyy too many Willie Wonka references. In the three part HBO Documentary, you get all of these things, along with a litany of other mind boggling, ostensibly true things.

The three part series follows aging pervert George, who owns the Texas Renaissance Festival. He knows exactly when he is going to die (according to him) and just wants to find love. He goes on several dates over the course of the show. Both women are 24 years old. George is 86. After the first date, the Festival owner muses that there is no point dating younger girls because they don’t read poetry and they don’t know how to bone. Then he goes on a date with another 24 year old. This, ostensibly, has nothing to do with the show. They just insisted on including it like a side quest in the show.

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Uncategorized

Joey Chestnut Is An American Hero, DAMNIT

June 12, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Travesty is a word. It’s somehow both a perfect word for this situation while simultaneously not feeling strong enough.

A better word is WHATINTHEUNHOLYHELLARETHEYTHINKING. Yes. One word. Screamed from the top of Mt. Rushmore while riding a Buffalo as a Bruce Springsteen song echoes through the Grand Canyon.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest hot dog eater of all time. 16 team world champion. 76 Hot Dogs in 2021. During Covid! Chestnut is to hot dog eating as Michael Jordan was to basketball, Taylor Swift is to mediocre music, and Elon Musk will always be at ruining things people like. But all of that is gone.

The Major League Eating association, a clown car of an organization that is ostensibly the driving force behind being a big ol’ fat boy competitively, has decided that AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT is not allowed to compete in the Independence Day tradition of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship.

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Comedy, NFL, Sports, television

Between The (Cringy) Gutter and the Stars: An Instant Reaction to the Tom Brady Roast

May 6, 2024by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment

Years ago, on a tribute to late comedian Greg Giraldo, Bob Saget spoke on how he felt when Giraldo was eviscerating him on stage. He talked about how he slunk into his chair, his shoulders sagging as Giraldo kept lobbing grenades over and over at him. I thought of Saget talking about this as I watched the life leave Tom Brady’s body during his Netflix roast on Sunday night.

Watching all the way through, you genuinely get the idea Brady thought the entire show was going to be him bro’ing it up with his football friends. He wasn’t ready for Jeff Ross to go after Robert Kraft and his massage parlor antics, which, judging by the rest of the sets, was on a very strict “DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS THING” list. He wasn’t ready for Nikki Glaser to pick up the crown that Giraldo left when he died as “best roast comic alive.” Lord knows he wasn’t ready for Tony Hinchcliffe.

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