Fast Food Review: Little Caesars Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!

After March Fatness, FBC co-founder Matt Drufke made one thing perfectly clear to every writer on this website: We must have more Little Caesars related on the website! Then he beat me with an extension cord for 40 minutes. I think it was something sexual. Who knows. But Matt’s unrequited love for Little Caesars has lead this website on a journey that comes to it’s natural apex with the newest item on the pizza chain’s menu: the Pepperoni Cheeser! Cheeser!

Now I know what you are thinking, “Brandon, how could Little Caesars, noted innovators of the pizza genre, and industry standard, reinvent the game again? How could geniuses of the dough, proprietors of pepperoni, and masterminds of greatness raise their game to such a new level??”

WELL. THEY. DID.

i discovered that Little Caesars had released a new pizza the way most people do, while watching Nash Bridges on a television network I didn’t know existed. To be completely honest, nothing gets me hungrier than Don Johnson and Cheech Marin solving crimes in San Francisco while driving a 1971 Plymouth Barracuda. Thats when it hit me, like someone finding religion for the first time. A commercial from the aforementioned chain came on my screen hyping a pepperoni pizza with fresh mozzarella and an asiago cheese crust. STOP, I thought, I can only get so turned on.

I knew at that exact moment that I would have to eat this pizza. And so it came to pass that I ordered the pizza today and am here to give you the details. For one thing, in these times of social distancing, Little Caesars has a super solid setup. You order online. They email you a QR code, and then when you walk into the store, you go up to a thing they call a pizza portal, whcih is essentially a sealed pizza warmer. You scan your QR code, and a door opens with your pizza in it, ready to eat. Fantastic work, Little Caesars, the less human interaction I have while i’m going to gorge myself, the better.

Eat your heart out, vegans.

When they said they were going to have an Asiago covered crust, they were not screwing around, and i’m completely fine with this. I’m not a big sauce guy in the first place, and Little Caesars really has a sauce that tastes like a diseased tomato got dropped into splenda, so the less sauce, the better. There isn’t a ton of sauce on this, so i’m already counting this as a success. The pepperoni also tastes different. I might be overthinking it, but at first glance, i’m much more into this pizza than I’d normally be. I have to come to terms with the fact that i’ll never love Little Caesars as much as Matt Drufke. That is my burden to bare.

I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on with one aspect of the pizza, though. It is topped with fresh mozzarella (which is noticeable) and sweet basil (which is MUCH more noticeable). It kind of looks like whoever made the pizza just kind of took a handful of basil and threw it at the pizza from a distance of about five yards.

That’s a helluva lot of basil. Either way, it was time to try the pizza. I lathered myself into a hunger and dug in. And it was…good? No, it was definitely good. I was as surprised as anyone else. Adding fresh mozzarella to the pizza actually makes a considerable difference. They didn’t throw so much pepperoni on the pizza as they normally do, allowing the meat rounds to cook through to a perfect crisp. As said before, there isn’t an overwhelming amount of sauce on the pizza, which is pretty spectacular. The crust is really good, too! It’s not exactly Pizzeria Bianco, but for fast food, there are definitely worse ways to spend 7 dollars.

After about a piece, it hit me. I didn’t know my body could process food this quickly, but I became convinced that slice of pizza had already bobled it’s way into my stomach. I felt like i’d eaten a brick made of thousands of smaller bricks. This couldn’t be. I am a human garbage monster. i have shame eaten entire Little Caesars pizzas in the past. Once slice couldn’t stop me. What was happening? Did I randomly get Legionnaires Disease? Then I saw the culprit…

Grease had started to pool in my plate after one piece. This was a bad sign, unless the goal was to crap my pants in roughly 45 minutes. I was defiant, though. I would not be stopped in my goal of mashing this entire pizza down my gullet. I AM THE MASTER OF MY DESTINY. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL POWER THROUGH. I WILL CONQUER.

I kept eating. My breathing was becoming strained. My jaw was tired. My will to live was slowly escaping my body. Eventually, I needed to give up. I wanted to grow old enough to have children and watch them do stupid things involving fast food. Finishing this pizza meant certain death. With shame on my face, i threw in the towel after eating less than half of the pizza.

You beat me, Little Caesars. I finally respect you.

Anyway, the pizza is pretty good, and i’ll definitely eat it again.

7/10 stars

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