The first round is in the books! Thank you to everyone who voted in round one, except for the people who voted for the Jamocha Shake. Your names will all be given to the government and you will be charged as foreign spies trying to bring down the democratic voting process. Let’s take a look at day 4 of round one.
- For the second time in the first round, the favorites won every matchup, which proves that what we fancy boys think is popular in terms of terrible food to put into your stomach is also considered the best of the bad to the masses.
- Outside of the blemish of the Maxwell St. Polish getting eliminated, Portillos had STRONG voting throughout the first round. We could potentially have Portillos in 75% of our final four when the dust settles, which would be a delicious predicament to be in.
- Taco Bell finally lost, in what will go down as one of the most questionable calls the voters made the entire first round. The Beefy Fritos Burrito lost to the Jimmy Johns Gargantuan, which…whatever. I’m not even totally convinced everyone who voted for the sandwich has actually eaten it. There is an anti-Taco Bell backlash growing. I can feel it.
- It wasn’t even the only loss in that bracket for Taco Bell! The cheesy gordita crunch also lost to the Wendys Frosty. Taco Bell caught L’s in two out of it’s three matchups in this bracket.
- The Wendys Baked Potato beat the Checkers/Rallys Big Buford. I really don’t know what to say about that. The baked potato is the most forgettable item in the tournament, mysteriously got a six seed, and then got a comfortable first round win. I’m actually pretty sure that the Wendys baked potato winning would make me more furious than the Jamocha shake.
- Out of the four cold/desert type items in the tournament, the only one to lose was the iconic Krispy Kreme donut, losing a “fat guy Armageddon” matchup to the unbelievably good Culvers Cheese Curd. I voted for the donut, but as a fat, I’m not heartbroken to see the cheese curds move on.
- Overall Round one thought one: Wendys went 6-2 (technically 6-1, i’m not putting the Avocado Chicken Salad loss on them. It getting nominated isn’t their fault!) in the first round. They now have nearly 20 percent of all remaining foods in the tournament.
- Overall Round one thought two: Thank god 7/11 is gone. I thought it was funny when they were nominated and got in, but seriously, the Buffalo Chicken Taquito might have been the single worst item in the entire tournament…second worst. It will forever be known that the Wendys Avocado Chicken Salad was the worst thing in the tournament.
- Overall Round one thought three: We are in for the ultimate white person shoot out in the Heart Attack Region in Round 2, as the Panera Broccoli Cheddar Bowl goes up against Portillos Fries. People would be crapping themselves in anticipation of this matchup, if there was any toilet paper to clean themselves up to.
- Overall Round one thought four: This whole thing is for fun and all, and fast food is super easy to eat, but in these incredibly uncertain times that we are living, do some good. If you are planning to eat out, don’t eat at the standard fast food places. Order carryout from a local restaurant that can really use the business right now. Even if you don’t eat in, just purchase from them, and go one step further: when they have you sign for the food if you pick it up, leave a tip. It doesn’t have to be much, but if that money is being pooled together at the end of the night, then every little bit will help.
The Coronavirus is making us worry about objects we think we need, but we aren’t thinking enough about the people affected by this in the service industry and other professions around the world. So order from a local restaurant, give business to someone who desperately needs it, buy a t shirt online from your favorite band or professional wrestler, and make sure a little extra money gets in their pockets. That’s where we will find salvation in these challenging times, by picking up those around us.