March Fatness Instant Reactions: Round 1 Day 3

Day 3 is in the books of the March Fatness tournament. One was justified, while another is proof you are all dirty heathens. Lets take a look at the results!

1. Pizza Hut Breadsticks was one of our glorious “anything but that load of shit McRib” picks and went down meekly like the fill in it was. People LOVE Arbys Curly Fries and they easily won the round one matchup. The voting swung towards Arbys and stayed that way the entire day.

2. In the ultimate “Oh, I’ve heard of that” moment of round one, the KFC Famous Bowl defeated the Jimmy Johns Italian Nights sub. I remain convinced that nobody has ever eaten the KFC Famous Bowl, but have heard of it and decided they like a pile of food stuffs dumped on top of mashed potatoes over a pretty good sandwich from Jimmy Johns.

3. This was really satisfying to me. The Hardees/Carls Jr Quarter Pound Cheeseburger beat the Wendys Southwest Avocado Chicken Salad. Take that, you stupid lettuce! The salad had no business being on the bracket, and at one point people had the voting audacity to have it be tied with the far superior burger. Eventually common sense prevailed, and the salad went down into the flames of hell, where it belongs!

4. In the biggest bracket upset, but not an upset to anyone who enjoys a tasty treat, the 13 seed Dairy Queen Blizzard destroyed the over ranked, over hyped, under delivering 4 seed, the McDonalds Egg McMuffin. This matchup is a case study for our bracket structure needing to be over hauled. The egg mcmuffin was an early option for the voting on seeding, and the blizzard didn’t get added until late in the voting process. Given the same voting time as the breakfast sandwich, the Blizzard would have been a 1 or 2 seed. Instead, it is going to be the Cinderella of the tournament.

5. To what should be tbe surprise of nobody, regional chain Culvers and their Double Butterburger Cheeseburger defeated the lowly McDonalds cheeseburger. Nothing really to say here. Culvers is elite. That hockey puck of a burger at McDonalds is not elite.

6. In what can only be described as a coordinated effort to piss me off, the Arbys Jamocha Shake, which I’m not convinced is real BTW, defeated the six seed Panda Express Beijing Beef. You could argue that Panda Express isn’t fast food, which is fine. I’d argue that a shake isn’t even food. Also, who is going to a place whose motto is “We’ve got the meats” to get a shake? Goddamn anarchy…

7. Another criminally under seeded food, the Portillos Fries, easily defeated the 10 seed 7/11 Buffalo Chicken Taquito. Most of you might think the 7/11 product is a troll job on our part, but I can assure you that Alec Stein, the Fancy Boys contributor and comedian who nominated this item, eats these almost exclusively. And yes, I did pull that directly from his Tinder profile.

8. We have a potential monster on our hands, folks. The 2 seed Panera Broccoli Cheddar Bread Bowl defeated the upstart 15 seed Raising Caine’s Chicken Fingers. This is the ultimate battle in what white people love more, and the soup with the edible bowl beat out chicky tendys.

9. 7/11 is officially out of the tournament, with both items getting easily beaten in the first round, saving everyone from having to not vote for them ever again.

10. On the other end of the spectrum: Taco Bell, Arbys, and Portillos are undefeated after 3 days. This of course shouldn’t be true because it is ludicrous that the Jamocha Shake won, but apparently there are more Arbys fans than I thought.

10. Final thought: if we had put a single Portillos item in all four brackets, we would be staring at an All-Portillos final four in two weeks, or as Id call i’d call it, heaven.

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