This Will Be Wrong, part I: The Eastern Divisions

This Will Be Wrong, part I: The Eastern Divisions

So let’s just suppose that the MLB season actually happens. All 30 teams play all 60 games and there’s a postseason and everything. While I may be skeptical that we will get all the way to a World Series, it’s fun to think about something beyond the existential terror of everyday life in 2020. So, for now, let’s talk baseball.

We start with the two Eastern Divisions, which include the two most recent World Series champions, Boston (’18) and Washington (’19). Due to limitations in travel, these teams will not leave their Eastern bubble until the postseason- 40 games against in-division opponents, 20 games against opponents from the same division in the other league. Remember as you read my predictions, that no matter how much I know about baseball, this will be wrong.

PLAY BALL

Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!

A lot has changed in our world over the past year. It seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. The country is on the verge of falling apart. Arizona, Florida, and Texas are getting exactly what they deserve for not believing in Science. An election that could tear us apart is on the horizon. Every sport’s short term future is threatened. But one thing hasn’t changed. A sports moment that brings everyone together in a moment of joy.

July 1st is, of course, the day that the New York Mets have to pay Bobby Bonilla a million dollars.

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part Two

Let’s call this part the final part, The Closer: The National League.

Part One, The Starter, I delved into a bit of history regarding our ballyhooed National Anthem as well as provided somewhat cogent thoughts on what songs could replace the National Anthem for each American League city. Part Two, The Closer, we will hit the National League cities, but first a few questions:

Why the fuck are we playing the National Anthem at all? What patriotism comprises the beginning of a ballgame? Should we play a game before we battle another country? Is that what we should be doing now? Send our troops over to a foreign country and force them to play an American game before war games commence?

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Dear MLB owners – play something else besides the National Anthem, Part One

Let’s call Part One – First Starter: The American League

Is there a more perfect time to make a change in how you start a ballgame than now? It’s a question posited by fellow Fancy Boy Jake Breunig and frankly a damn good one.

Now Jake wrote a fabulous article about abolishing the National Anthem this past August. I will defer to him his over-arching replacement choice(s) and instead give each city their just due. However, let’s first take a look at our National Anthem. What we sing is not the entire song. Why? Well it’s what one could call a little shitty toward ‘freemen’ AKA ‘slaves who were freed yet still being treated like shit on both sides.’ As with every war involving America, only the poor and minorities are asked/told to pick up a rifle. During the War of 1812 (when Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that became a song… and later the anthem), freemen were not only ‘enlisted’ to fight for the American side, but the British took a lot of them and “allowed them to fight against their oppressors” which is code for “hello good dark chap, take this rifle and hustle up to the front lines and sacrifice yourself for our cause.”

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Yes, Major League Baseball IS Trying to Shoot Itself in the Dick

Yes, Major League Baseball IS Trying to Shoot Itself in the Dick

On Wednesday, the NBA announced they would be returning to in-game action at the end of July. The day before, Major League Soccer avoided a labor stoppage by signing a new collective bargaining agreement, paving the way to return in the fall. The NHL already revealed they would be having a 24 team tournament to determine a league champion. NASCAR has been rolling along as the only professional sport of any interest going right now. Six weeks from training camp, and the NFL has a scandal over kneeling for the flag, so they are right on schedule to start their season. All over the country, sports leagues are finding ways to get going and started again. Be it with empty stadiums, central locations, or any other manner to make sure they have seasons.

Then there is Major League Baseball. During a regular year, they would be cruising into the summer, ready to be the only sport active most days. Instead, owners and players are in a dick waving contest, with the players trying to shove their dicks into a mouse trap, and the owners flat out trying to shoot their dicks off.

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What is going on with you MLB?

So last week I was in Tampa on a work trip. Not that I didn’t have access to any news or sports or news on sports, most of Florida does – even if a lot of Florida can’t access anything but Fox News judging by the billboards in Tampa – I did. I was tired.

But Wednesday I was in the hotel lobby waiting for my work comrades when one of them came up to me and said the Astros had fired their manager and general manager. Whoa… and whoa. In my best Montreal Expos accent I said ‘pourquoi?’

Cheating.

And…

Cheating. Spying. Stealing signs.

And…

Rob Manfred is having none of it.

Now Rob is the baseball commissioner, so he has the right to do what he thinks is best for baseball. He’s drawing a hard line – there will be no cheating in baseball. What you may ask? What? Of course, there should be no cheating in baseball, right?

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The MLB’s Hot Stove League – The January Report

January’s come in with a select amount of subtlety, but in the MLB it’s been quite the wild whirling dervish of deals and free agent signings. Before I get to what individual team got and still needs, let’s take a trip around the horn and see where the big names landed like a big lake trout on a dish. Trout sounds so good right now.

Garret Cole. OK. Fine. I was wrong. Are you happy I admitted it? I thought for certain he was going to be an Angel, but neigh he decided to become a devil, AKA a Yankee. Curse you Cole!

Stephen Strasburg. I was correct, stuck with the Nationals. Bite me.

Anthony Rendon. The biggest stick in the free agent class went to the Angels. Now he’s paired with Mike Trout (which still sounds good BTW). Good golly that’ll be fun to watch!

Madison Bumgarner – I’m as giddy he didn’t go to the Twins as I am mad he went to the Diamondbacks. C’mon MadBum! Why those desert bums? Why?!

Hyu-Jin Ryu – Left baseball to start a Korean BBQ franchise called Ryu’s Ribs. OK. Fine. He signed with the Blue Jays. Canadians love Koreans, primarily due to the alliteration.

Didi Gregorius – And I was right. He went to the Phillies to re-join Joe Girardi… and to get a cheese steak.

Corey Kluber – once the ace of the Indians staff, he was traded to the Rangers for a sack of beads.

Eric Thames – not quite a huge deal as he signed a 1-year contract with the Nationals, but what’s significant is he is yet another player who doesn’t want to play for the Brew Crew… or he got tired of all that Usinger’s Sausage.

Tommy Pham – good news is the Tampa Rays traded him from a fan base whose median age is 80 to San Diego whose fan base is a youthful 77. Bad news? You have to be a Brown Shirt now, dude.

Rick Porcello – signed with the Mets. All of Boston breathed a huge sigh of relief, and ordered a pie.

Dallas Kuechel – former CY Young award winner who sat out most of last year signed with the White Sox. Fingers crossed he enjoys Sox Park, and deep dish pizza.

And who has yet to find a team?

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Baddest Athletes of All Time Draft: Rounds 1 & 2

Baddest Athletes of All Time Draft: Rounds 1 & 2

As kids, we were all taught about the importance of good sportsmanship. Some kids listened and took those lessons to heart, others just didn’t give a fuck.

Today, we remember those athletes.

The biggest hitters. The best on-field fighters. The players who pushed the boundaries so far it forced their league to change the rules. The players who just ignored the boundaries entirely. The dudes you simply wouldn’t want to fuck with.

In making our list, we only had one rule: we weren’t going to include any athletes where fighting is a primary function of the sport. No boxers, MMA fighters, or wrestlers.

Here’s the official Fancy Boys Club draft of the meanest, dirtiest, toughest son of bitches to every play sports.

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The MLB’s Hot Stove League – The December Report

What? It’s December? But that means… yes, MLB’s Winter meetings have snuck up on us like a polar vortex wind, getting us baseball fans all nipply with excitement.

A few things have happened since the November Report. A quick summation:

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David Ross is the new Cubs Manager…now what?

In news that seemed meant to be since the Cubs limped across the finish line this season, David Ross was named the new manager of the Chicago Cubs. Great. What comes next?

Unfortunately for Cubs fans and executives alike, David Ross isn’t the answer to the problem that the Cubs have as they reach their “dynasty” crossroads. How did the Cubs get to this point? They were supposed to be THE team of the second half of the decade. They were going to duke it out every season in the World Series with the Houston Astros. What went wrong? In short, a lot. Can David Ross fix it? Not by himself.

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