How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

How I Got Thrown Out Of The Michiganders Against Excessive Quarantine Facebook Group: A Short Story

If you read my last post, you know I’ve taken issue with some of the protests which have popped up around various state capitals. Fun story: In writing that last sentence, I almost wrote, “protests which pooped up”, which was horrible spelling but also funny and accidentally accurate.

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Essential.

Essential.

This past week, morons and douchebags all over our great nation went to “peacefully” “protest” the state capitals of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, and Florida. I put the word “peacefully” in quotes because while there were no reports of arrests or violence, some of these people made a point of open carrying weapons and there were reports of confederate flags and signs with swastikas, which are, as we all know, the two symbols of peace. I put the words “protest” in quotes because some, if not most (hell, if not ALL) of these whiny turd-babies are just mad because they’re being asked to stay inside and practice social distancing and it makes them mad.

The claim of many of these slack-jawed yokels is that it’s time for the nation to get back to work and get outside. Well, as someone who has been working this whole time, let me tell you: it’s a fucking nightmare. You don’t want any of this right now.

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Buh-Bye XFL – A chat

Ciao. Ta ta. Sayonara. Is it sad? Can’t say I was totally invested in it, but there were some things that certainly spent time idling about hoping against all hope the XFL would return and flourish. As such, while I broke open the grill for another fabulous outdoor season of sizzling meat by tending to a rack of baby backs, I decided to conduct an interview with one who had been in the trenches since not only this re-issue of the XFL, but has been there since the first XFL experiment.

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There and Back Again and Oh, Damn It: A Journey Already Once Taken

There and Back Again and Oh, Damn It: A Journey Already Once Taken

As Frodo Baggins awoke in an unfamiliar bed, the bright and comforting sunlight of Minas Tirith greeting him with warm cheek kisses, his eyes made out the silhouette of a friendly figure. Gandalf the White stood before him, beaming with relief to see the young Halfling up and finally home safely from his burdonous quest. Bounding in from the adjacent terrace came Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, leaping onto the bed and jumping with glee to see their dear friend alive. Next came Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn, three of Middle Earth’s mightiest warriors who laid their lives on the line to ensure Frodo’s success, awashed with relief to see that the sacrifices of many brave men and women did not go in vain. Finally, enter Samwise Gamgee, Frodo’s dearest friend, savior, and perhaps the greatest hero of this epic tale. The two simply exchange a smile and a nod, knowing that the many Hells they faced together made their bond even stronger. They left a home they didn’t want to leave for parts unknown, met copious amounts of peril with tremendous courage the likes of which had never been seen from their kind, and saved an entire realm from a seemingly unstoppable evil. They survived a quest that was meant to be their end. 

Now imagine, after all that, Frodo reached into his pocket and found another One Ring. I bet he’d be pretty fucking miffed about it. 

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Roughneck Report, Take 5

With all the hubbub, hullabaloo or both if you prefer (after all it is your life), I completely neglected to scribble out something for the Roughneck Report, Take 5.

I mean what was I thinking about? What else could possibly be going on to thwart me from my duties as the Roughnecks numero uno fan of the fan base probably only known by me as the Rowdies?

I could have been thinking that maybe… possibly… along the lines of our esteemed federal government this whole ‘virus thing’ would blow over, cross our collective paths like an errant tumbleweed across the great American desert.

Well my friends, that was not it. Those of us who are relatively sane knew how the Administration of the Bloated Circus Peanut would stumble around like a bantamweight after a Henry Cejudo haymaker and for certain fuck this whole mess up.

Oh well, back to the report. Okay. The Roughnecks have finished the aborted season undefeated and for certain are the de facto champions for the 2020 XFL season which may possibly be the only XFL season.

Hand them the fucking trophy Vince McMahon, which I think is just his head in a fabulous bronze patina.

Congrats Roughnecks. Now you can afford to go out and find a logo that doesn’t rip-off the old Houston Oilers.

No ending cheer. Season’s over.

PS Seriously be safe out there and do not trust in the Federal Government to give two shits about you and your family, not with the bleating yam in charge.

PPS Weezer really got me pumped to whip this little old report right quickly. Thanks!

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March Fatness: Friday Results & Final Four Matchups

March Fatness: Friday Results & Final Four Matchups

Over the past four weeks, we have had you, the loyal and devoted readers of Fancy Boys Club, determine which of the 64 fast food items we gave you would make their way to our Final Four. We called it March Fatness. And this week, we determine our winner.

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