Author: Brandon Andreasen

Football Gambling Writer. Comedy Writer Twitter: @awfulmusicfacts fancyboysclub.com footballabsurdity.com
food

So You Don’t Have To: The Taco Bell Big Cheez-It

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So You Don’t Have To: The Taco Bell Big Cheez-It

Mashups were really popular in 2009. They faded in popularity, and now are only used by the type of out-of-touch brand execs that are trying to shoehorn competing ideas into one godawful idea. Taco Bell has used this concept to success in the past. The Doritos Locos Taco was a hit that continues to be a mainstay on their menu. If you look at the spectrum of successful fast food amalgamations, the Doritos dust laced taco has to be at the most successful side of the spectrum. Could Taco Bell pull off another food of the summer with their latest Frankenstein monster of a project, the Big Cheez-It? I found out, so you don’t have to.

Business: Taco Bell
Item: Big Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme and Big Cheez-It Tostada
Calories: 570 for the Supreme, 230 for the Tostada

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Comedy, Pop Culture, television

Jack Baker’s Best Moments on the WGN Morning Show, Ranked

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Jack Baker’s Best Moments on the WGN Morning Show, Ranked

Jack Baker is, by all accounts, a very successful local comedian. He is the main editor on this very site, has a Youtube special, and this weekend, he will be headlining the Comedy Vault in Batavia on July 6th at 7 pm. Buy Your Tickets Here. To help drum up interest in his set, he was tasked with going on WGN Morning News on Wednesday to talk about his special, his life, and ostensibly, his lifelong war against milk.

This is a big deal for any comic. But as any comic worth his weight in cheap liquor knows, we are also a very vindictive bunch who doesn’t want to see anyone else succeed! With that in mind, let’s take a look at Jack Baker’s WGN Morning News appearance and go over every bit, then rank them at the end!

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Pop Culture, Reality TV, television

Ren Faire Is Deliriously Stupid

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They say that sometimes truth is weirder than fiction. Sometimes the truth is also dumb, brutally horny, and filled with wayyyyy too many Willie Wonka references. In the three part HBO Documentary, you get all of these things, along with a litany of other mind boggling, ostensibly true things.

The three part series follows aging pervert George, who owns the Texas Renaissance Festival. He knows exactly when he is going to die (according to him) and just wants to find love. He goes on several dates over the course of the show. Both women are 24 years old. George is 86. After the first date, the Festival owner muses that there is no point dating younger girls because they don’t read poetry and they don’t know how to bone. Then he goes on a date with another 24 year old. This, ostensibly, has nothing to do with the show. They just insisted on including it like a side quest in the show.

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Uncategorized

Joey Chestnut Is An American Hero, DAMNIT

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Joey Chestnut Is An American Hero, DAMNIT

Travesty is a word. It’s somehow both a perfect word for this situation while simultaneously not feeling strong enough.

A better word is WHATINTHEUNHOLYHELLARETHEYTHINKING. Yes. One word. Screamed from the top of Mt. Rushmore while riding a Buffalo as a Bruce Springsteen song echoes through the Grand Canyon.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest hot dog eater of all time. 16 team world champion. 76 Hot Dogs in 2021. During Covid! Chestnut is to hot dog eating as Michael Jordan was to basketball, Taylor Swift is to mediocre music, and Elon Musk will always be at ruining things people like. But all of that is gone.

The Major League Eating association, a clown car of an organization that is ostensibly the driving force behind being a big ol’ fat boy competitively, has decided that AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT is not allowed to compete in the Independence Day tradition of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship.

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Comedy, NFL, Sports, television

Between The (Cringy) Gutter and the Stars: An Instant Reaction to the Tom Brady Roast

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Between The (Cringy) Gutter and the Stars: An Instant Reaction to the Tom Brady Roast

Years ago, on a tribute to late comedian Greg Giraldo, Bob Saget spoke on how he felt when Giraldo was eviscerating him on stage. He talked about how he slunk into his chair, his shoulders sagging as Giraldo kept lobbing grenades over and over at him. I thought of Saget talking about this as I watched the life leave Tom Brady’s body during his Netflix roast on Sunday night.

Watching all the way through, you genuinely get the idea Brady thought the entire show was going to be him bro’ing it up with his football friends. He wasn’t ready for Jeff Ross to go after Robert Kraft and his massage parlor antics, which, judging by the rest of the sets, was on a very strict “DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS THING” list. He wasn’t ready for Nikki Glaser to pick up the crown that Giraldo left when he died as “best roast comic alive.” Lord knows he wasn’t ready for Tony Hinchcliffe.

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NFL, Sports

A Chicago Bears Choose Your Own Adventure

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It’s impressive sometimes how quickly you can go from “what are you doing?” to “what, you are doing it!” The Chicago Bears stepped into free agency with the third most available cap space in the NFL, and up until 9:30 PM on Thursday, the results were….underwhelming? Just okay? Good for depth? For the most part, the signings up this point have been moves a team that believes it is close to a championship make. Depth moves in the middle to bottom of the roster. Building strong special teams. Overpaying for a running back they didn’t need.

Generally, those are moves that teams make when they know they are close to a championship level and are safeguarding themselves up and down the roster against injury. Then the Bears traded for future Wide Receiver Keenan Allen. The Los Angeles Chargers came to Allen asking him to take a pay cut. He is due to make 18 million with a cap hit of 23 million in 2024, the final season of his contract. Allen said no. The Chargers proceeded to jettison him to the Bears for nothing more than a 4th round pick.

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Advice, Comedy

Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or Gwar: Super Bowl Edition

by Brandon AndreasenLeave a Comment on Whose Lyric Is It? Taylor Swift or Gwar: Super Bowl Edition

The Grammys have just wrapped up. A night of Tracy Chapman and Billy Joel(both of which I very much care about) and..well pretty much everything else I don’t. While Miley Cyrus went to her hair stylist and said “Give me the Wynona Judd, 1989 edition” while operating sans undergarments (like Wynona Judd in 1989), a beauty came across the stage to regale herself in the “Album of the Year” victory most foresaw.

Taylor Swift isn’t so much an artist as a small nation. She is a blonde haired Che Guevara in the way she incites her followers. While she has become the angst of the Republican Party (and I love her so, so much for it) one nagging thing has always burdened her career: Has She Been Stealing Her Song Lyrics From GWAR?

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NFL, Sports

Can Your Team Win the Super Bowl: A Guide for Non-Fans

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Can Your Team Win the Super Bowl: A Guide for Non-Fans

Congratulations, well adjusted adult. You have just spent the past four months spending your Sundays doing repairs around the house, going to brunch with friends, foraging for various vegetables you could purchase at the grocery store instead, or whatever hobby you developed that doesn’t involve you screaming at a TV. As a non-football fan, you have been able to funnel your anger and love and frustration into things that could be construed as a hobby, like splunking.

The calendar has flipped to the second weekend of January now, and that means the NFL playoffs. Mere weeks away from the Super Bowl. Legally, you are obligated to care then. So why not jump on the football bandwagon now. It’s kind of like The Golden Bachelor, only a somehow less depressing look at mortality.

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NFL, Sports

NFL Power Rankings: End of Season Edition

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NFL Power Rankings: End of Season Edition

With the season coming to the end and the playoffs coming up this weekend, it’s time to take a look at where every team stands. More than half of the league is now looking towards Free Agency and the NFL Draft. Some teams don’t have those things to look forward to because they are poorly run and/or have the worst ownership in sports.

I’m listing where I had each team ranked before the season started so I can see how smart (editor: stupid) I was when looking at the teams a few months ago.

1: Baltimore Ravens

Preseason Rank: 6

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