Guardians Of The Cuyahoga

Yesterday, the decision was announced that the Cleveland Indians would be changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Because the internet is a place of calm and reasoned discourse, this decision was lauded as a celebration of progress and then people went back to being excited about the start of the Olympics.

No, wait. The World Wide Web is a goddamned trash fire and people lost their fucking minds over something they had never previously cared about.

Dumb take.

National Review editor Rich Lowry had an epicly dumb take when he called the Guardians “the most pointless name in major profrssional sports”. Clearly Rich has forgotten about the New Orleans Pelicans, the Los Angeles Lakers (and Clippers) and the UTAH FUCKING JAZZ, a name my wife still contends to be fake despite the fact that I have forced her to watch them on television multiple times, mostly because I am a fan of Donovan Mitchell, both as a player and as a man who will show up to holiday BBQ’s if people invite him on twitter.

There were, as always fantastic takes, perhaps none more so than by comedian Megan Gailey:

Much, much better take.

Look, I’m not Rick or Michael or Brandon, each of whom could easily write 4,000 words about how this name change is a positive thing for baseball and sports and America. They’re the guys whose opinions you want to be reading about this, and if you message me, I will send you their home addresses and you can visit them, unannounced, and I am positive that they will invite you in and cook you dinner and engage with you in a long, nuanced conversation. They’re all great guys.

But you don’t got them. You got me, the Ham Daddy, a nickname I am hoping will catch on though it has not seemed to yet.

All through grade school, junior high school and high school, my little town of Huntley, Illinois had the mascot of the Redskins. And, y’know, that was not great.

However, progress prevailed my senior year, when the school decided to change the mascot. After years of petitioning and complaining, the school board finally relented. And while the new name, The Red Raiders, is not exactly worlds better, it is definitely better than the name that I proposed when the school decided to take open submissions for what the new name would be.

My choice: The Screaming, Pooping Owls.

Which, and I think we all can admit this, is not the best name but would have been a badass mascot.

Look, I’m all for the Guardians. I applaud Cleveland for doing this. Furthermore, my eyes have been in a continual state of rolling reading all of the criticisms from the army of conservative dumb-dumbs, all of whom have their undies in a bunch over this. Let’s quickly dispatch all of these so I can take my son to the zoo.

First off, this has been called an insane case of “cancel culture” run amok, which might be a fair argument except that you’re seeing a bunch of people also call for a boycott of the franchise. YOU CANNOT BE MAD AT CANCEL CULTURE WHILE YOU ARE ALSO TRYING TO CANCEL SOMETHING, YOU STUPID STUPID STUPIDS!!!

Also, aren’t conservatives supposed to be pro-business? The Indians aren’t owned by some government conglomerate. They’re owned by that lady from Major League who had her picture in the locker room and they would take off pieces of her clothes when they would win a game, right? (I know that is not the owner of the Guardians, but I am also too lazy to find out who it is.) Aren’t the GOP supposed to be in favor of businesses doing whatever they want, including changing their name? Isn’t a company changing it’s branding to make itself more marketable (and, presumably, more profitable) just an example of the free market working? What is your problem?

The worst argument I’ve heard is that this is just an attempt for liberals to destroy the amazing tradition of baseball and akin to tearing down statues of Civil War Generals. What? Shut up. No.

What kind of MBGA (Make Baseball Great Again) nonsense bullshit is that? Cleveland spent over a century being called the Indians and a lot has changed since the early 1900s. What’s next? Do these people also think that to keep baseball as great as it used to be that we should force African-Americans to play in their own league again? Of course not. BECAUSE WE ARE LIVING IN A DIFFERENT FUCKING TIME NOW! Welcome to 2021, where we have television and electric cars and weird billionaires going into space and we try and respect everyone.

I honestly feel bad for all of these dipshits, because they’re so desperately craving a group of people to come in and protect them from all of us rational people trying to do the right thing.

I tell you what those people need… some Guardians.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s