Miss – Won’t Miss – a list for the Prairie State

Three quick notes before I get on a roll here. One, I’ll miss a lot of people and there are so many I won’t name them. Note two? Well, COVID took a lot of what I’ll miss and that’s fucking sad. Note three – oh yeah, I moved to Colorado, hence the list.


Going to Art Galleries, especially Tony Fitzpatrick’s The Dime. Those were some nice nights and Saturdays – fuck COVID.

Driving to Rockford, etc with Steve Marshall to Open Mics even when he can’t fucking see half the time at night and he’s a prop comic who’s got an apartment full of stuff to take. Goddamn funny though.

Meeting at 6AM at Cesaroni’s Deli in Woodstock to watch the Tottenham Hotspur – the brothers Cesaroni open up, we buy lots of coffee and sammiches and yell at the TV.

Theatre and being a reviewer for the Northwest Herald – I got paid in tickets and that was perfectly fine… until COVID shit all over that. FU COVID. Speaking of theater…

Downtown Chicago – there’s nothing like it for theater or anything else… unless COVID shuts it down. Fuck COVID.

White Sox fans that don’t have the urge to rush onto the field – love the Sox, but criminy there’s some seriously criminal elements in our fandom.

Read Between the Lynes bookstore in Woodstock – Arlene is the best. Get your ass in there and buy some books. Even mine would suffice. Oh, and fuck COVID.

Woodstock Farmer’s Market – Pretty sweet trolling the square for some seriously great produce and more. It’s a producer’s market!

Café Olympic in Crystal Lake – there are other restaurants that also deserve business but these people are the best. They pivoted quickly after being shut down (fuck COVID) and their food is fabulous. Have a cinnamon roll as big as a toddler’s head. Curbside service is fabulous too.

Slim’s Barber Shop in Crystal Lake – cash only. I shared a stage a few times with Kevin Slimko and he’s funny as hell. Here’s a video:

just look at the fierceness in that face!

Starting an Open Mic and then having to shut it down (fuck COVID)

Auto Authority in Crystal Lake – Tony doesn’t know much about the interwebs but damn it he knows cars and he’s a good guy. Take your car there and call them, it’s easier than fighting the website. 815-356-0993.

Every small concert venue – not a fan of stadiums, but goddamn Chicago has a massive amount of fantastic small venues. Metro, Hideout, Buddy Guy’s, Park West… I could go on and on.

An abundance of big deciduous trees – Colorado has trees, but it’s so dry it takes way longer for them to grow. And yes, I stunted the growth of my sister’s pear tree in Colorado by hitting it with the moving truck. Do we have to go over that again? No, no we do not.


Illinois’ sweeping flatness – Yeah Colorado is half prairie but check the title of this article. Yep, that’s you, Illinois.

Property taxes – For every $1,000 in property taxes in the Prairie State, Colorado sits around $300.

All other taxes – you really don’t realize how much you get taxed until you move to a state where it’s less painful.

City Vehicle Stickers – It was insanely stupid when I moved to Illinois decades ago and continues to this day. I HAVE A GARAGE – I’M NOT BUYING YOUR DAMN STICKER! Thankfully the Hamlet of McHenry came to their senses and abolished them a year or so ago.

Bears fans who still live in 1985 – There’s no one walking around Denver doing the Terrell Davis salute. You know why? We’re not living in the past or dressing up like you mopes do as the severely overrated Ditka and saying Bearsssssss all the time. Listen to your idiotic leader “those who live in the past are cowards and losers.” I’d try to find an audio clip of him saying it, but no. Ditka’s an awful human and my time is worth more than the effort.

Old School Blackhawks fans who believe they were named after a WW II battalion even though the team has a Native American as a logo and a hawk (WTF, right? I know – dumb) as a mascot.

Bandwagon-jumping Cubs fans – you all must get really dizzy climbing on then jumping off that wagon all the time.

Political corruption on both sides – argue all you want, that’s fine. Both parties have rightfully earned scorn for the mountain of corruption and debt. They’ve made Illinois insolvent.

Tony La Russa – Stay the fuck away from driving you drinky bastard… and please just nap in the dugout. Sox don’t need your ‘wisdom.’

Oberweis – the man, not the dairy. I loved their ice cream, loved it. Gave it up the first time the six-time loser ran for a political post. Jim Oberweis is so damn stupid he flew to DC for the freshmen orientation before the election was decided… one he lost to Lauren Underwood. Idiot.

Every large concert venue – I guess it doesn’t matter where I am really, don’t like them.

The Midwestern goodbye – you have your coat on as well as your hat and your shoes, plus the fucking front door is open. STOP TALKING – LEAVE.

COVID – but I can’t miss it anyway. It’s here in Colorado too. Fuck COVID.

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