Election 2020: All Of Your Questions Answered!

We’re just six days away from the election. I thought I would answer some questions you may have about the election, what you can do, polling, and a bunch of other fun stuff. Let’s get into it.

So, this is still happening, huh?

That’s right. On Tuesday, November 3rd, Americans will head out to the poll and pick their president, senator, representative, judges, state constitutional amendment, city infrastructure bullshit, and a lot of other things. If it sounds sexy, it’s because it totally is!

I’m a real dummy and still haven’t registered to vote. Can I still get in on this?

You sure can! Many states no longer are letting people register online, but will still have voter registration going all the way up to election day. Head over to vote.org to see what you need to do to register to vote.

Should I vote early?

I mean, I think you should. As of this moment, over 58 million Americans have voted early (either by in-person or mail-in voting), which is not only over one-third of the expected amount of total votes in this election, but also a number which usurped all of early voting from the 2016 election. There are so many good reasons to vote early.

Do you want to avoid long lines? You should vote early. Are you worried about bad weather on election day? You should vote early. What about the prospect of having the person ahead of you in line want to talk to you about their podcast… for hours? Dude… VOTE EARLY.

Who knows? You also may be saving yourself. On an August episode of right-wing bullshit-spewing Infowars, Alex Jones’ son Rex talked about how excited he was to vote for Donald Trump in his very first election, but he kept getting the date of the election wrong (saying November 4th, like, a bunch of times). I doubt Rex and I will vote for the same candidate, but he should at least have his vote count. If any of you know him, you should inform him to vote early and save any embarrassment.


So, are you doing some cool live blog on Election Day?

Nope. I mean, some of the other Fancy Boys might, and I’ll promote that and be entertained by it, but for my mental health, I wouldn’t do that. Besides, the likely odds are that we won’t know anything at the end of Election Day.

Wait… What the fuck? Why won’t we know anything?

A lot of states (and almost all of the swing states) do not start counting early ballots until after they’ve counted the ones that come in on Election Day. Add to the fact that, in some states, as long as the envelope is post-marked by November 3rd, it is still a valid vote. That means some votes may not be counted until days (or weeks) after November 3rd. And if it’s a close election, those votes will matter and no one will call the race until all the votes are in. So, we need to be patient.

That being said, if you are going to vote by mail, get that shit in because a lot of places are doing some shady shit with those votes. The Supreme Court just said that in Wisconsin, if a ballot is not received by Election Day, then it will not count. That’s some straight-up bullshit, and a good reason why we need to expand the Supreme Court so that it includes the members of BTS. So, if you have a mail-in ballot, the best thing you can do is drop that off in-person at one of the the recognized drop-off sites.

Well, that sounds terrible. But, at least there aren’t other confusing circumstances… wait. Why are you shaking your head?

Well, this election is going to be rife with people claiming voter fraud. One of the reasons is that conservatives are more likely to vote on Election Day and liberals are more likely to have voted early (or by mail). So, if Election Day votes are counted first, that means that it will look like the GOP candidate has a very early lead which then gets eroded as days (or weeks) go by. Expect to see lots of demands for recounts and LOTS of lawsuits.

But isn’t voter fraud a real problem we should be worried about?

No. In 2016, there were four cases of voter fraud out of the 130 million votes cast. This isn’t a thing to be worried about. But, as I said, we need to be patient.


So… who’s gonna win the election, Trump or Biden?

I mean… that’s hard to say.

Right now, it looks like one of three things are going to happen: either Biden wins in a landslide, Biden wins a close election, or Trump wins a close election. The way the polls are looking right now, a Trump landslide seems to be a near-impossible outcome.

But wait… should we be trusting polls? Didn’t all the 2016 polls have Hillary Clinton winning?

The short answer to both those questions is “yes”; polls are important and should be looked at, even though most had Clinton winning the election.

It’s important to remember that most of the polls which said that were national polls who didn’t care where they were sampling. And, if America used the popular vote, Hillary Clinton did win the election by about three million votes, which was about the percentage of her lead. All of the state polls of the close states (especially Wisconsin, Michigan, Florida, and Pennsylvania) fell within the margin of error, but because people saw Clinton’s lead in the national poll, a lot of people assumed those states would tip her way. They didn’t, and that’s why President Trump won the whole thing.

So, what’s different about this election from 2016?

To put in bluntly, a whole shit ton.

First, pollsters got better. And many of the states that were in the margin of error have decidedly strong numbers for Biden, who is leading polls in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Florida, Arizona, and a few others. Also, Hillary Clinton was on the decline the last weeks of the election, due in large part to the Comey investigation of her emails which would later prove to be no big deal. Clearly, the Trump campaign was hoping their fraudulent Hunter Biden email story would also cause a stir, but that seems to not be the case. Also, why do Republicans only try to get people to believe e-mail scandals? My guess: they know that much of their base have opened virus-filled e-mails they shouldn’t have and now they fear all of the internet.

So, what can you tell us, you big, inconclusive idiot?

Wow… no need to be so mean. Ok, how about this? If there’s something you want to focus on, it should be Pennsylvania.

The Keystone State seems to be the one place that could determine the whole election, much like Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004. If Biden loses Pennsylvania, it becomes much, much harder for him to win the electoral college. If Trump fails to take the state, it’s virtually impossible for him to win.

There are other factors to look at, and they all show that it’s going to be a lot harder for President Trump to win than it was in 2016. It would seem as though he needs to win Ohio AND Georgia AND Florida AND Iowa AND Wisconsin AND the aforementioned Pennsylvania to secure re-election, and losing even one of those states means he would need to peel off a state that Hillary Clinton took in 2016.

For Biden, losing states like Arizona and Nevada show that it might be a long night for the former vice-president. He can probably afford to lose Michigan, but if Trump takes Michigan and Wisconsin as well as Pennsylvania, Trump is all but guaranteed four more years in The White House.

Well, make a prediction, for Christ’s sake! I mean, do something!

While I’m not comfortable predicting a winner (despite me saying in a previous column that I believe Trump will win, there are three bets I would absolutely place:

  • Joe Biden will win the popular vote
  • Biden will win the popular vote by a greater percentage than Hillary Clinton did in 2016
  • The election will not be decided when midnight strikes on Tuesday, November 3rd.

Is there any chance that a third party candidate will make any sort of difference?

No. Shut up. Those nerds are meaningless.

Last question: What is your favorite lyrics from the YG/Nipsey Hussle track “FDT” (short for “Fuck Donald Trump”?

Oh, that one is easy. It’s the very first lyric which sums things up perfectly: “I like white folks, but I don’t like you.”

Makes me smile every time.


Got it? Good.

Now go out and vote, you nerds.

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