There was a time back before the internet, Sportscenter, Gene Michael’s Sports Machine, and other cable networks that the only way to catch your favorite sports highlights from around the world was to watch ABC’s Wide World of Sports. Starting in 1961, the show spent 37 years bringing highlights from the biggest baseball, football, basketball and hockey games. It was also the show that helped make Evel Knievel famous. He defied death numerous times while the show’s cameras were watching, and became insanely famous because of it. Along with great moments of sports achievements, they also showed epic fails. Race cars and skiers crashing. Runners stumbling over hurdles in big moments. It was a little bit of everything. It was famously known for it’s introduction at the beginning of every show, which said “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.”
This weekend, I experienced the gambling agony of defeat. Over. And. Over.
It started on Thursday night. The Browns were playing the Bengals in what could only be possibly seen as the Thursday Nightiest game they could possibly put on the air. Thanks to the legalization of online gambling in Illinois, anyone can bet on anything. It has really made sports pretty thrilling. Midway through the third quarter, I decided to make a bet on Geovani Bernard to score the next touchdown in the game. It was a longshot bet at +4300. I bet five dollars on it, meaning i’d win 215 dollars if Bernard scored. Sure enough, he makes a play and is racing towards the goal line. He was met by two defenders and fell into the end zone for a touchdown. I had won money!
Except I didn’t. Upon review, the refs decided to back the ball up to the 6 inch line and wipe the touchdown off the board. They proceeded to not score at all, and my bet was out the window.
Fast forward to Sunday night. I put a two player parlay on Chris Carson and Julian Edelman to score a touchdown. I was getting 9 to 1 odds and said screw it, i’m drunk. The bet was dying on the vine the entire game. Then out of nowhere, Chris Carson got loose on a wheel route, and Russell Wilson hit him with a smooth deep ball for a touchdown. I was back in the game! There was almost no time left, meaning that if the Patriots were going to drive down field, it would be through the air. Sure enough, Edelman got a ball and drove towards the goal line. He went to lunge towards the end zone for the game winning touchdown. Then, he got hit in the air and landed right on his damn head at the one yard line.
I came three and a half feet from winning over 300 dollars. Never try people. Never try.
THE RANKINGS
1: Kansas City Chiefs
Earlier in the day, I needed to win back some money because I’d taken a hit early on. I decided to make a large bet on the Packers to finish off their win, along with the Chiefs beating the Chargers. The Packers cruised to victory. The Chiefs did not. Yet, somehow I did not seem concerned. Then, around the 4th quarter, I got incredibly concerned. Then Harrison Butker casually kicked them into a win. It’s wins like that, when the team seems non-functional for three quarters before finding a way to win the game that can help propel a team to another Super Bowl. Also, Patrick Mahomes is a damn wizard.
2: Baltimore Ravens
This team beats the crap out of teams so casually it almost doesn’t seem fair.
3: Green Bay Packers
This team beats the crap out of shitty collections of men who happen to wear the same jersey but look like they have never played together before that it almost doesn’t seem fair.
4: Seattle Seahawks
There comes a point in every Seahawks game where you become absolutely convinced they are going to somehow lose. Like, everything looks like it is going right, but then all of a sudden, the opposing team is within a touchdown and you wonder how they got into this mess. And then they win. They just keep winning.
5: Buffalo Bills
Everything I just said about the Seahawks, but the Bills do that against shittier teams.
6: Arizona Cardinals
Kyler Murray is the player that the Browns prayed they were going to get in Baker Mayfield. A lot can happen over the course of a season, but right now this looks like the next young, dangerous team. There are so many weapons that it is difficult for a defense to game plan against it. Even if a team decides they are going to blitz the farm every play to put pressure on Murray, he is fast and agile enough to get loose and gash the secondary for 20 yards.
7: Los Angeles Rams
Is Jared Goff good again? Was he ever bad? Is he even good now?
8: Pittsburgh Steelers
The only real reason I have not completely bought in on the Steelers yet is because i’m still skeptical that Ben Roethlisberger can survive an entire season. The defense is very real. They have playmakers on every level and TJ Watt looks like he might be the best Watt in the NFL currently. But holy hell, if it gets to their backup quarterbacks again, this team can’t survive.
9: Oakland Raiders
For one quarter, it looked like the Raiders couldn’t tackle to save their lives. Luckily for them…
10: New Orleans Saints
For the next three quarters, the Saints looked like they could not only not tackle anybody, but they also couldn’t figure out where Darren Waller was on the field. Like, was Waller able to turn invisible at the line of scrimmage and then just randomly reappear 15 yards down field for an easy third down conversion? Or much more likely, did we overrate the Saints defense after beating what is increasingly obviously an average Bucs offense.
11: Tennessee Titans
Remember when Ryan Tannehill was terrible in Miami and the best thing anyone could say about him was that he had a hot wife? And that the only reason he was signed by Tennessee was to make Marcus Mariotta look good? Yea, neither do I. {{Furiously deletes snarky old Facebook posts}}
12: Chicago Bears
I contemplated putting this team lower but this is almost exclusively read by Bears fans and I didn’t want to deal with it. Matt Nagy might not be the offensive genius we thought he was.
13: New England Patriots
No real shame in that loss. It was a damn heavyweight boxing match on national television. It’s all we could really ask for.
14: San Francisco 49ers
Remember in the softball episode of The Simpsons, when Mr. Burns was talking about all the potential calamities that could befall his team of ringers? That happened in real life on Sunday to the 49ers.
15: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
They might have won the game, but I can’t help but wonder how good this team would look with all the players they have right now, but with Jameis Winston still slangin’ the ball into various hands, both his teammates and otherwise. Brady looks like he might be done. There are at least 15 quarterbacks in the NFL i’d rather have right now than him. He is under throwing everything. I haven’t really seen him muscle up a good pass yet in two games.
16: Dallas Cowboys
At their best, the Cowboys are world beaters. On a day to day basis though, they are a maddeningly inconsistent team that is coached by notorious human pork rind Mike McCarthy. CeeDee Lamb is an incredibly fun player who just absolutely is destined to be under utilized because Michael Gallup is some kind of superman in practices. Having McCarthy coach this team is like buying a Lamborghini and putting a go kart engine in it.
17: Jacksonville Jaguars
Gardner. Fucking Minshew.
18: Indianapolis Colts
Remember when I said there were 15 quarterbacks i’d rather have than Tom Brady? There are 20 quarterbacks, including Brady, that i’d rather have than Philip Rivers at this point.
19: Houston Texans
Thank god they saved money by trading DeAndre Hopkins to Arizona. This offense definitely didn’t look borderline non-functional without him. Randall Cobb is TOTALLY a comparable player.
20: Washington Football Club
Their win against the Eagles last week looks less impressive when you realize how bad Philadelphia probably is.
21: Cleveland Browns
So this seems like a wierd thing to point out. But the offense looked good when Nick Chubb was the main focus of it on Thursday night. I say it’s weird to point out because Nick Chubb is one of the best running backs in the NFL, and the Browns pretended he didn’t exist in Week one. They started giving him the ball in Week 2 and cruised to an easy victory. Do I have faith in them doing this consistently enough to be a competitive team this year? Oh dear god, no.
22:Transient Calfiornia Chargers
Justin Herbert was great in his first NFL action. He looked confident and strong armed. The offense was moving with him under center and he didn’t look like the moment was too big for him. So naturally, Anthony Lynn, the coach of the Chargers, said Tyrod Taylor would still be the starter when he is healthy. Bad teams stay bad.
23: Atlanta Falcons
That was a brutal, season ending way to lose to the Cowboys in Week 2. So naturally, this team is going to blow the doors off the Bears on Sunday.
24: Philadelphia Eagles
Personally, I hope this team keeps losing. I’d really like to have them ranked below teams like the Dolphins at some point. This team has gotten the mystique factor ever since they won the Super Bowl, but the truth is that this is an incredibly mediocre team that doesn’t even pretend to know how to draft wide receivers, and has a QB they handed a mega contract to, that is built with balsa wood and Yugoslavian car parts.
25: Denver Broncos
Welp, there goes my retirement plan of selling Drew Lock rookie cards when he gets really big.
26: Cincinnati Bengals
If this team wins five games this year, it should be considered a huge success. Joe Burrow has the confidence of a guy who hasn’t had the absolute hell kicked out of him by playing behind a bombed out offensive line, yet. That confidence will go away by December. Enjoy him now.
27: Carolina Panthers
Christian McCaffrey suffered a high ankle sprain. Two plays later, he ran in a seven yard touchdown. There is a non-zero chance that ends up being the offensive highlight of the season.
28: Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings signed head coach Mike Zimmer to a six year contract extension in the offseason. To reward ownership for this commitment, the team has completely fallen apart behind a defense that couldn’t afford to keep it’s star players, but then brought in Yannick Ngakouwe on zero notice and with no practice time to be on the defensive line. I’d say that the Vikings should tank for Trevor Lawerence, but Kirk Cousins has cap hits of 32 and 45 million over the next two seasons, so they are stuck with Captain Kirk and his quarterback rating below the Mendoza Line.
29: Miami Dolphins
It’s Tua time. Or not. Nobody cares.
30: New York Giants
This team has three quality wide receivers and a theoretically good tight end. Saquon was great, but this team should theoretically be better than they are, even without him. It might be an issue of their quarterback not being very good at football. You know how I said there were 20 quarterbacks i’d rather have than Philip Rivers? Daniel Jones is not one of those people.
812: Being forced to watch Rob Schneider movies
1714: Detroit Lions
I’m not totally sure how I woke up this morning, and Matt Patricia was still employed. First team in NFL history to lose four consecutive games in which they had a double digit lead. Historic, in the most Detroit Lions way possible.
2544: Being Rob Schneider
3660: New York Jets
You know how I mentioned that the Lions were historically bad? The Jets are worse. Much, much, much, much worse.
Fancy Boys Club 