Fancy Boys Football Power Rankings: Week 1

Welcome to the opening power rankings for Fancy Boys Club. I’m fully prepared to step on about a million grenades for this Week 1. Starting next week, this will drop every Tuesday, and god help me, probably won’t be as long. Let us know what you think in the comments and always be sure to check us out on our Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter pages!

1: New England Patriots

The Good: Timeless Tom Brady and his shitty diet will bury us all. He is just gonna keep playing until he is 50 mostly because he plays in the AFC East, a division that hasn’t provided any real competition since Bill Clinton was president, and no, I’m not really being hyperbolic when I say that.

The Bad: Sony Michel is made out of Waterford Crystal, which is just fine with Bill Belichick. Michel getting injured just brings him one step closer to getting to start a 300 pound guy who delivered water to the team facility earlier in the week.

The Mike Glennon: Eventually the wheels have to fall of this entire operation, right? Right??

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

2: Kansas City Chiefs

The Good: The Patrick Mahomes bandwagon is an out of control train barreling down the tracks relentlessly. You will think you are doing well in your fantasy football league. You will lose in the playoffs to whoever has Mahomes on their team.

The Bad: Tyreke Hill is still on this team, and not being shot towards the sun out of a cannon.

The Mike Glennon: Andy Reid is about a season and a half from prowling the sidelines in a Rascal scooter with reinforced shocks.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

3: New Orleans Saints

The Good: Michael Thomas got paaaiiiiiiddd. The wide receiver is now the highest paid player at his position in the NFL.

The Bad: The team and city’s meltdown over the blown pass interference call that cost the Saints a trip to the Super Bowl caused the NFL to institute the worst new rule possible.

The Mike Glennon: Mark Ingram has left for Baltimore and the Saints have brought in {{checks notes}} Latavius Murray to back up Alvin Kamara? That will work for around 3 games, until Murray suffers his 18th concussion and Kamara gets murdered after taking in his 209th swing pass from Drew Brees.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

4: Chicago Bears

The Good: The Bears bring back most of last year’s top ranked defensive unit. This is the first season that Roquan Smith and Khalil Mack are even in training camp, and there is every reason to believe that if this team can stay healthy, they could be world destroyers.

The Bad: The Bears settled on Eddy Pineiro, but as Macho Man Randy Savage said, “Matt Nagy has lust in his eyes” when he looks at other available kickers.

The Mike Glennon: All reports out of training camp have been that the Bears offense has struggled to get going because the defense has been kicking the crap out of them. Maybe let the offense have a day or two, get their confidence up or something.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

5: Los Angeles Rams

The Good: Aaron Donald is probably the best player in the NFL. His world wrecking presence saved the Rams from the fact that their secondary was terrible last season.

The Bad: There is a better than zero percent chance that at some point in the last 12 months, Andrew Luck accidently rubbed his shoulder on Todd Gurley’s knee and gave it that forever disease.

The Mike Glennon: If Gurley goes down, the Rams will have to lean heavily on rookie running back Darryl Henderson, and let’s be honest, you just thought of Harry from Harry and the Hendersons, didn’t you?

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

6: Los Angeles Chargers

The Good: Philip Rivers quietly continues to build on his Hall of Fame career that he is hell bent on continuing to playing on until all 14 of his children are also in the NFL. The defense is very good when healthy, and they would be the runaway favorite to win the AFC West if it wasn’t for the Chiefs.

The Bad: Running back Melvin Gordon continues to hold out. He seems much more likely to cave than Ezekiel Elliott, but he should be the one that holds out. Injuries continue to dog him throughout his career. Elliott is holding out for him to get a contract so Zeke can get a bigger contract, and I really hope Gordon isn’t doing the same.

The Mike Glennon: The Chargers basically have no fans. Their stadium being filled every week by opposing team’s fans is the fate every team that moves their franchise deserves.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

7: Cleveland Browns

The Good: The acquisition of Odell Beckham to go with legit “NFL Network might have to do a documentary about this draft class in 10 years” combo of Baker Mayfield and Nick Chubb, makes this one of the most interesting and entertaining teams in the NFL.

The Bad: The city of Cleveland isn’t emotionally equipped to handle the concept of being the favorites and will inevitably force Tim Couch to perform Hari Kari on himself the moment this team goes on a three game winning streak.

The Mike Glennon: The team is being coached by Hee Haw extra Freddy Kitchens. He looks like agro Dowell Loggins. I mean neither of those things in a complimentary way.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

8: Houston Texans

The Good: JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson create one of the most exciting offensive/defensive duos in football. Deandre Hopkins is destined to go down as the most underrated skill position player of his generation.

The Bad: The offensive line probably still sucks in spite of the continued investment the team makes into it. Saloon doors provide more protection than any guard/center combo on this roster. Update: They traded for Laremy Tunsill! They are only really bad on the offensive line now. Not hopelessly bad.

The Mike Glennon: This team is a Deshaun Watson injury away from being one of the 5 worst teams in the NFL. AJ McCarron is not saving anyone’s ass from a 5-11 finish.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

9: Atlanta Falcons

The Good: Julio Jones isn’t the highest paid wide receiver in the NFL. Julio Jones should be the highest paid player in the NFL. Julio Jones has been waiting for a new contract from the Falcons. Julio Jones hasn’t gotten a new contract from the Falcons. Julio Jones showed up to camp, anyway, ready for another ho-hum 110 reception, 1500 yards, 8 touchdown season. Must be rough.

The Bad: This defense probably sucks something fierce. They have done very little to actually make it better. They just kind of closed their eyes and screamed until they thought things would magically get better. Things did not get better.

The Mike Glennon: The Falcons’ slavish devotion to not maximizing their talents continues to be one of the most baffling trends in the NFL. Julio Jones is the most uncoverable player in football, and he still manages to not get a ball thrown his way for an entire half, and all of a sudden the Falcons are down by 17 and Jones has one reception for 9 yards.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

10: Baltimore Ravens

The Good: On the fly last year, the Ravens turned themselves into the best running team in the NFL. They rushed more than any other team by a long shot, and added Mark Ingram to the fold. Very few teams in the NFL anymore have 175 YGP ability on the ground, but this team is ready and capable.

The Bad: Lamar Jackson is just as noodle armed as Tim Tebow, but with less churchy pr. Jackson existed in a vortex of ugly throws and great runs. He doesn’t have Randall Cunningham’s arm and can’t get away with it forever. Eventually he is gonna have to learn how to properly throw to a 10 yard post route or this team is screwed.

The Mike Glennon: Earl Thomas, the big addition on defense this year, is essentially made out of resin and popsicle sticks at this point.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

11: Philadelphia Eagles

The Good: Carson Wentz is completely recovered from an ACL tear that did the exact opposite of derailing the team’s chances two years ago. The team continues to operate a running back by committee of people who are good for the role, this year bringing in Jordan Howard from the Bears and drafting Miles Sanders.

The Bad: After Alshon Jeffery, who WILL get hurt at some point, the depth chart on the Wide Receiver side is consistently the second most depressing wide out corps in the NFL behind whatever the hell the Panthers think they are doing every year.

The Mike Glennon: Nick Foles is gone, meaning that a Wentz injury leaves them completely rudderless, because if Wentz has trouble getting these receivers open, it’s going to be damn near impossible for Cody Kessler to get anything accomplished.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

12: Green Bay Packers

The Good: The Packers have rid themselves of one of the worst coaches in the NFL, Mike “Looks like a background extra in every episode of King of Queens” McCarthy.

The Bad: They replaced him with Matt LaFleur, who inspires all the confidence of an armless boxer, but none of the charm. He got the job after being the offensive coordinator of the juggernaut offense that was the Titans last year. They finished 25th in offense. The year before, he was the offensive coordinator of the Rams, and was so crucial to the success of the Rams, that they up and let him go take the same job somewhere else the next season.

The Mike Glennon: The team spent over 100 million dollars to make themselves the third best defense. In their division.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

13: San Francisco 49ers

The Good: Jimmy Garapolo is back to start earning his mega contract and try to prove he isn’t East Coast Matt Flynn. They made one of the sneaky best moves of the offseason by bringing in Tevin Coleman at running back.

The Bad: The rest of the running back corps is a M.A.S.H. unit waiting to happen. Jerrick McKinnon still hasn’t been activated off the PUP list after exploding his knee last season. Matt Breida is a risk to get injured gingerly stretching after waking up every morning.

The Mike Glennon: They drafted MAGA Chud Nick Bosa. He’s a less talented version of his brother, but with the exact same amount of injury concerns. Solomon Thomas is still on the team as a monument to the team’s ability to trade well then subsequently botch the draft pick every time.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

14: Minnesota Vikings

The Good: Dalvin Cook is fully healthy this year in an offense that is still stacked, with Adam Thielen and Stephon Diggs on the outside and Kyle Rudolph working the middle of the field. Anthony Barr made the Jets look like assholes in free agency, and there is never a bad time to celebrate that.

The Bad: Kirk Cousins is still the quarterback. He has mastered the art of coming up small in the 4th quarter in a way that would make Jay Cutler envious. Cousins is just good enough to cost the Vikings a chance at the playoffs every season.

The Mike Glennon: They had to put in protective measures at their new stadium so birds would quit dying when they would slam into it.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

15: New York Jets

The Good: Leveon Bell is the running back, replacing an armada of crappy running backs left in his wake. Sam Darnold looked like he had NFL quarterbacking pretty well figured out by the end of last season, meaning that all the Jets needed was a bright offense mind to come in and really take the offense to another level. They chose door B…

The Bad: Demented looking coaching retread Adam Gase is here to coach this team straight to a 7-9 finish. He is such a talented offensive mind that he left a charred corpse of an offense in Miami on his way out the door. He looks like the guy who hits on your girlfriend at the bar at 1am even though you are standing right there.

The Mike Glennon: Gase has brought along Apple Dumpling Gang member Dowell Loggins to run the offense. Loggins is truly the Messina of this duo.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

16: Dallas Cowboys

The Good: The NFC East is an incredibly winnable division, and theoretically, the Cowboys are good enough to run away with the division. They are among the best in the NFL on both the offensive and defensive line. Ezekiel Elliott is the best running back in the NFL when he is on the field. Amari Cooper looked like Jerry Rice when he joined the team in a trade last year.

The Bad: Everyone on of their skill position players is either threatening to hold out, or is holding out for a better contract. They brought Jason Witten back, which is good if you hate terrible announcing, and bad if you don’t like watching old men get murdered trying to catch seam routes.

The Mike Glennon: Dak Prescott, obviously a much bigger believer of the Dak Prescott brand than anyone else, turned down contracts rumored to be in the 30-35 million dollar per year range, holding out hopes for 40 million per year. There are only a couple quarterbacks in the NFL worth that kind of money, and Colonel Six Yard Hook Route isn’t one of them.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

17: Seattle Seahawks

The Good: You know how I said only a couple quarterbacks are worth 40 million per year? Russell Wilson is one of them. Somehow still underrated because people operate under the false pretense that this is still a dominating defense, Wilson has been able to keep the wheels from falling off this team even though it has been predicted that the Seahawks would crash and burn for several years now.

The Bad: Eventually it has to all fall apart. While the defense is still good, they keep falling towards the middle of the pack and have been forced to overpay players to keep them around. Doug Baldwin had to retire from getting murdered on the field so many times.

The Mike Glennon: I bet noted 9/11 Truther and all around bag of dicks Pete Carroll has some interesting opinions about Jeffery Epstein.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

18: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Good: Nick Foles is here to replace Blake Bortles, one of the worst quarterbacks to ever hold a starting job for as long as he did. The defense is due for a bounce back and they are the team I struggled to place the most in the list, because I can definitely see a scenario where this team goes 11-5 and surprises everyone to take the division.

The Bad: This team is not physically capable of prolonged success and the city of Jacksonville is basically a Wal Mart that met a genie and wished it could be a real city.

The Mike Glennon: Leonard Fournette was drafted to be the next Ezekiel Elliott. Instead, he became the next Curtis Enis.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

19: Denver Broncos

The Good: Vic Fangio is finally getting his shot to coach after being one of the top defensive coordinators since the Reagan era. Von Miller is still around being a fantastic linebacker and notably weird dude.

The Bad: His GM is John Elway, who looks like a horse and makes personnel decisions as if he is one. He basically lucked into a Super Bowl as an executive and has ridden the fact that he was once a star quarterback for the team and turned it into a lifetime job mismanaging the Broncos.

The Mike Glennon: Joe Flacco is the quarterback. He famously refused to help out Lamar Jackson in Baltimore, and then spent the rest of the year pouting when he was benched in favor of Jackson, only to see him take the Ravens to the playoffs. Now he is in Denver to bury Drew Lock and dance on Paxton Lynch’s grave.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

20: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Good: Credit to continuity, the famously “loyal to their head coach” Steelers have kept Mike Tomlin around long enough that he’s actively carrying their water for them. They did manage to jettison Antonio Brown before this whole helmet kerfuffle came up.

The Bad: The team jettisoned their two best offensive players for “squint and they are kinda similar” replacements. But they will probably be good on defense, because they are the Steelers and everyone looks good on defense when you get to play the Bengals at least twice a year.

The Mike Glennon: Ben Roethlisberger keeps threatening to quit, which is gonna make it even more sad when he is murdered on the field. But then again, that’s how he wants to go out.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

21: Carolina Panthers

The Good: Christian McCaffrey is such a complete threat out of the backfield that he was on more ESPN fantasy football championship teams than any other player in the league. The receptions by a running back record is in play this season, and he will be aided by the fact that Cam Newton is healthy.

The Bad: The same horseshit that this team pulls every year. They refuse to draft, sign, clone, or Madden Random Player create a capable wide receiver. They are hell bent on fielding a team of 3rd wide receivers year in and year out. Seriously, it boggles the mind to think about how good Cam Newton could be if he wasn’t surrounded by pass catching incompetence.

The Mike Glennon: Luke Kuechly is about one more concussion away from not being able to remember his own name. His CTE card is already punched and at some point, someone is going to have to step in and take him out of the game before he is a goddamn cartoon version of himself by 50.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

22: Indianapolis Colts

The Good: Last year, the Colts hit absolute home runs in the draft by taking angry duplex of a human Quentin Nelson in the first round and tackling machine Darius Leonard in the 2nd. The quickest way to speed up a rebuild is to hit on guys like this, who both stand to be foundational pieces for the team for years to come.

The Bad: Andrew Luck pulled a goose in Top Gun, and now it’s Jacoby Brissett’s show. That’s never a thing you want to hear when your team had Super Bowl hopes.

The Mike Glennon: Seriously, it can’t be undersold how bad it is that their franchise quarterback fucked off to go design buildings.

23: Oakland Raiders

The Good: There seems to be some burgeoning level of competence in the offense, but let’s face it, that’s not why you are reading up on the Raiders.

The Bad: Oh boy, Antonio Brown will forever be the gift that keeps on giving. For a second, let us remove his acid brained refusals to play over his helmet, or his freezer burnt feet. Last year, he played his way out of Pittsburgh, a team known in large part to their stability. Yea, Roethlisberger was a wang and Brown didn’t get along with everyone there. But now he’s a Raider, where he is actually allowed to be his insane self. This shouldn’t be treated as an outlier and things will be find when he gets on the field. THIS is the new normal! There is a 100 percent chance that he is going to score his first touchdown and celebrate by setting a helmet on fire, Hendrix style.

The Mike Glennon: This was supposed to be the most fun season of Hard Knocks ever because the Raiders make the Branch Davidian look super organized by comparison. Instead, we’ve gotten a neutered version of the show, with the most interesting thing so far in the season being that Guy Fieri showed up.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

24: Washington Redskins

The Good: As another year passes, we are another year closer to Dan Snyder dying and never having to deal with him again.

The Bad: Eeeeeeeverything else. They have all the same wide receiver problems of Carolina, but without the MVP quarterback to occasionally bail him out. Their defense is just an Injured Reserve list written in pencil. They leaked to the press their old GM had a drinking problem so they could publicly disparage him, then run him out of town.

The Mike Glennon: Head coach Jay Gruden has his head firmly in the guillotine at this point. If this team doesn’t get off to a big start(they won’t) then he is gonna be fired for whatever other hapless yes man makes the mistake of taking a phone call from this morally bankrupt sarlaac pit of a team.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

25: Detroit Lions

The Good: Kerryon Johnson looks like he might be the first competent running back the team has had since Barry Sanders decided he would rather quit than ever play for this team again. Kenny Golladay would be a top 25 receiver in the NFL is he didn’t have apple cheeked goon Matthew Stafford throwing to him.

The Bad: The Lions play in arguably the toughest division in football, and they decided the best way to combat that would be to eschew the trend in bringing in young, offensive minded coaches, and instead follow the old “failed a million times before” trope of hiring someone off of the Patriots coaching tree. Somewhere Romeo Crennel is laughing at this, and also he is probably stuck in a chair somewhere.

The Mike Glennon: The Lions were booed going into halftime of the first game of the preseason. Things are not going to magically get better.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

26: New York Giants

The Good: Saquon Barkley is one of the 10 best players in football already and is built like a bowling ball that eviscerates the poor souls who make the mistake of trying to tackle him one on one.

The Bad: Literally everything else about this team. Like, literally everything else is bad. They used their first round draft pick on a quarterback in a year when there weren’t any good quarterbacks getting drafted, and they still managed to not take the best quarterback available. Instead, they took Daniel Jones, who looks like the youngest, dumbest apple to fall from the Manning quarterbacking tree. Eli is still around, too. But Odell Beckham isn’t. He was freed from football purgatory.

The Mike Glennon: You know your team is in piss poor shape when getting sent to the Cleveland Browns represents a major upgrade.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

27: Buffalo Bills

The Good: Josh Allen is actually fun to watch. He scrambles around a lot. He isn’t afraid to huck a ball 60 yards down field into triple coverage. He’s pretty much all you can ask for with a go-nowhere team in a go-nowhere town. I’d gladly give Buffalo to Canada so they can have an NFL team, and I don’t just mean the team. I mean, give the entire city of Buffalo to Canada. We don’t need it. We are making chicken wings just fine without you nowadays.

The Bad: Their running backs look like a collection of guys whose names should be showing up on the list of tryout hopefuls for the XFL.

The Mike Glennon: They banned their fans from going through tables during tailgates this season, which seems pretty rude of the team. If they aren’t going to bother being good on the field, they might as well let their fans get drunk and destroy their outdoor eating setups.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

28: Tennessee Titans

The Good: Not even going to pretend there is anything worthwhile on this team.

The Bad: The staff felt highly enough about Marcus Mariotta that they brought in millennial Dave Krieg to be his backup.

The Mike Glennon: I was shocked to find out this team won 9 games last year. This is the least fun team in the NFL. They are absolute drip to watch and should be permanently banned from the Red Zone network. They exist to give the NFL a team with a decent record to throw onto Thursday Night Football every week. This team should be forced to play their entire schedule on Thursdays so none of us are forced to waste our time watching them on Sunday.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

29: Cincinnati Bengals

The Good: They still have top receiver AJ Gre….oh yea, nevermind.

The Bad: Things are not trending in the right direction for the Bengals, even though they should be. The team finally fired Marvin Lewis after 26 years and one playoff appearance as coach. They did so little in free agency and the draft that losing Vonteze Burfict in free agency actually counts as a downgrade to this team.

The Mike Glennon: Now that the Browns are (probably) good, the Bengals are buried somewhere below the cellar of the AFC North, with only Andy Dalton’s bright red hair to act as a heartbeat like Edgar Allen Poe prothesized.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

30: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Good: I dunno, I guess their new coach is okay, but really, who cares.

The Bad: Jameis Winston exists as the shitty human/poor behavior bell curve by which the NFL hands out punishments. Anything a player does that registers as less illegal than Winston doesn’t get suspended. Everyone that does something worse than Winston gets suspended.

The Mike Glennon: They drafted Mike Glennon. The Mike Glennon for this team will always be Mike Glennon.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

31: Arizona Cardinals

The Good: There is nothing good about this team.

The Bad: Getting DUI’s is apparently a prerequisite of getting a job in the Cardinals front office. Larry Fitzgerald is still here because he didn’t learn anything from Calvin Johnson that loyalty doesn’t mean anything in the NFL and to get the hell out of the game before your knees evict you from your legs.

The Mike Glennon: Kyler Murray apparently hasn’t figured out the concept of a silent snap count yet. He also hasn’t figured out the concept of throwing the ball to NFL receiver’s hands. The bust potential is so high for Murray that Akili Smith and Johnny Manziel are currently having his sculpture commissioned so it can go into the “Biggest QB Busts of All Time” museum. Cade McNown will offer the key note address.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season: NA

32: Miami Dolphins

The Good: Kenny Stills spoke out against Dolphins owner Stephen Ross donating millions to Donald Trump.

The Bad: The coach defended the owner instead of his player because he is a mealy mouthed cardboard cutout of an authority.

The Mike Glennon: They then proceeded to trade Kenny Stills. Can’t have any uppity players on this godless eyesore of a team.

Last Week: NA
Best Ranking this season:
NA

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