Are you ready for some poorly produced football tallllkkkkkk?
Each network’s team of announcers, analysts, and talking heads have shaken the rust off during preseason and are now ready to take it one game at a time, give 110 percent, and drop all your favorite sports cliches in true mid-season form.
The start of a new season means answers to all the big offseason NFL media questions: which blonde female country singer will do the Sunday Night Football song? Is Hank Williams Jr. too racist or just racist enough for the Monday Night Football song? And has the NFL finally figured out how to monetize a Thursday Night Football song?
As surely as ESPN will feature a newly retired New England Patriot as an analyst on every one of their shows, we’re all about to be disappointed by the continued aggressively bland mediocrity of every channel’s football coverage. And I couldn’t be more excited.
Here’s my predictions for another exciting year in NFL media.
ESPN Will Overrate the NFC East
I wish I loved anything as much as ESPN loves the NFC East. Every year, they predict big things for the Cowboys and Co. only to watch those predictions blow up in their faces because the division is garbage. And fans of their teams are too.
The Cowboys dominate coverage because they were good in the 60’s and 90’s but have been dog shit ever since. The Giants traded away their best player so they can run Saquon Barkley into the ground even faster. The Eagles stopped the Patriots from winning another Super Bowl two years ago, which is just enough time for us to remember how much we all hate them. The only people who are still fans of the Washington Redskins are the Cleveland Indians, because it keeps them from being the most racist team in professional sports.
None of this matters to ESPN, the NFC East will always be their golden boys. At some point this year, on ESPN’s Why Are You Watching This Highlight Show When NFL Red Zone Exists, Antonio Pierce or Darren Woodson will predict an Eagles vs. Giants Super Bowl and everyone else will just smile and nod along wondering why they hadn’t thought of that.
Joe Buck Will Leave For The MLB Playoffs And Everyone Will Rejoice
The best day in every NFL season is the day Joe Buck leaves FOX’s Game of the Week to broadcast the MLB playoffs.
He’s the worst play-by-play man in the NFL. He’s almost as smug as he is clueless about football. He’s as bad at calling games as the Bengals are at winning them.
Watching him and walking concussion Troy Aikman talk about football will make you as dumb as Phil Simms. Good things the Cubs are blowing it, so I may make it an entire October without having to listen to him use a million words to say absolutely nothing.
Remember that time he temporarily paralyzed his vocal chords because he was addicted to hair plugs? Oh what could have been …
Stephen A. Smith Will Mistakenly Criticize a Player Who’s Dead
Stephen A. Smith is the highest paid person at ESPN and also the dumbest. Who can forget the time he mistook Redskins punter Tress Way for one of their many shitty injured quarterbacks? Or the time he said the Chiefs needed to worry about Chargers tight end Hunter Henry despite the fact that he’d been injured since May.
This year, he’ll yell a bunch of dumb shit, and probably tell the Packers to prepare for Bears star running back Cedric Benson, all while making money than any of us could even dream of.
Steve Smith Will Fight Someone, And It Will Be Awesome
Steve Smith was 5-9, 195 pounds and the baddest dude in the NFL from 2001 to 2016. He’s punched teammates, wrote the only cool retirement letter in NFL history, and to prove that he hadn’t lost it since leaving the league, threatened to whoop Michael Irvin’s ass on a pregame show after Irvin made fun of his pants. Quite simply, he’s the man.
I don’t know when, I don’t know who (probably Michael Irvin), and I don’t know why, but this is the year when Steve Smith straight-up fights someone live on the NFL Network. And I can’t wait.
Everyone Will Finally Stick to Sports!
Except for the national anthem during pregame, fighter jet flyovers, staged soldier family reunions, stadiums financed with millions of taxpayer dollars, Salute to Service games, officially licensed NFL camouflage merchandise, live shots of soldiers watching overseas, Team Presidents using the official team website to get sexual predators on the Supreme Court, General Managers writing letters on official team letterheads to get other shitheads on the Supreme Court, and owners lobbying state legislatures to change workers’ compensation laws.
Bonus Future Prediction: One of the Pregame Shows Will Feature a Complete 53 Man Roster
Every year, CBS, FOX, ESPN, NBC and the NFL Network hire more former coaches, players and front office stooges to provide perspective and analysis on a league they’re no longer good enough to be a part of.
It’s a never ending race to see who can fit the most talking heads on one pregame show set at a time.
It might not be this year, maybe not even next year, but one day soon, one of these shows will feature a full 53 man roster. Each player will be ready to give approximately 38 seconds of perspective from their unique spot on the depth chart. And it will be much better than it is now.