In honor of the the NFL playoffs, Brandon and Matt have taken time out of their various erotic fan fiction ventures to talk a little football.
Matt: I feel like we need to start in the city we both live closest to and talk about the Chicago Bears. All but left for dead, the Bears pulled off a comeback to beat Green Bay this weekend. This seems to be a team that plays its best when down in the second half. Why is that? And what do the Bears need to do in order to be winning for the whole game?
Brandon: The Bears are the Bizarro Nagy era team. When Matt Nagy was the coach, every week started with a perfectly set game plan and the team looked like a fully functioning offense, only for everything to fall apart once the opposing team adjusted.
This current iteration of the Bears is like a group of incredibly talented musicians who have never played together before. Every. Single. Week. It almost defies the mind that a team that won this many games so constantly looks like they have never met eachother before and are just figuring it all out on the fly.
To their credit, this team knows how to adjust and adapt. That speaks to the great coaching work being done by both Ben Johnson and defensive coordinator Dennis Allen. The deeper they go in the playoffs though, the more amplified the early mistakes will be. This team cannot afford to fall behind too far. The magic runs out, eventually. At some point, the Bears need to prove they can punch a team in the mouth early and finish the job.
At the end of the day, this team is going to have to establish the run early, with a heavy dose of Kyle Monanghai. Its going to be a cold Sunday night. The Rams and their MVP contender QB Matthew Stafford don’t have a history of playing well when it gets cold. Beat up the Rams at the line of scrimmage. Control the lock. Win the game.
Matt: As surprising as the Bears were, perhaps the biggest surprise in the NFL this year was the New England Patriots. Somehow a team that won 4 games last year finished first in their division with 14 wins. How did this happen? And how far can they go?
Brandon: The general consensus around the league was that they would improve under new head coach Mike Vrabel, who is one of the top coaching minds in the game. His dismissal from Tennessee a couple seasons ago drastically changed the direction of two franchises. The Patriots are back to being the class of the AFC, while the Tennessee Titans are the type of franchise you feel bad talking to the fanbase of. They are down bad.
What wasn’t expected was the ascending Drake Maye. Due to a storied history of not trusting quarterbacks from North Carolina, Maye had some question marks around how quickly he could get up to speed in an NFL offense, and has answered those questions pretty conclusively. He was able to improve on his biggest issue from last season, which was getting hit in the head too many times. He has stayed upright and on the field all season, and has done so with a wide receiving group that bares a strong resemblance to an average XFL roster.
THAT SAID, the Patriots played the easiest schedule in the NFL this season. They won won one game during the regular season against teams with more than 7 wins. Their first round playoff opponent was falling apart at the seams. They are playing the best defense they have played all year. This will tell pretty definitively whether they had a good season or if this is a true contender for the next few seasons.
Matt: It’s not just the end of the Steelers season. Head coach Mike Tomlin announced that after 19 years he will be stepping down as head coach. How big of a deal is this for the Steelers? And who would be a good partner for Tomlin when he competes in Dancing With The Stars next season?
Brandon: The Steelers are pretty colossally screwed. This is an old team with an expensive defense. Their quarterback will probably retire. Their best position player got suspended for the final two regular season games this year. This team had no business winning ten games. Mike Tomlin’s coaching willed this 6 win team to the playoffs.
Nobody that this team is going to find to coach would be considered an upgrade. There are some glaring holes on both sides of the ball. This team is looking at a steady fall off/bottom out over the next couple seasons. While they always seem to have an infrastructure to help them stay competitive, quite a bit of that was the team building of Tomlin, which is going to be sorely missed.
His partner will, of course, be two time champion Witney Carson. Winners dance with winners, baby!
Matt: Nothing makes me angrier then when teams with losing records make the playoffs, which was the case for the Carolina Panthers, a crap-ass team who lost last weekend. Personally, I believe that they should have had their spot given to a team with a winning record. Please spend the next two sentences telling me why I am smart and why the NFC South should be sent into the sun.
Brandon: The Panthers made the playoffs because Tampa Bay collapsed into itself like a neutron star. How the Bucs went from “sure thing” 12 win team, to finishing 8-9 and losing out on the playoffs spot, should be studied for generations. Baker Mayfield was actively getting his ass murdered every time he quarterbacked the team, but everyone around him got healthier as the season went on. This team had their full tool box of position players at the end of the season. It didn’t matter.
Having said that, under your plan, the Minnesota Vikings, by way of finishing 9-8 in spite of having Temu Kirk Cousins as quarterback, doesn’t exactly rev my engines. The Panthers kept the game close and gave their fans hope.
Id say they are a regression candidate, but they only won eight games. The hell they gonna regress to?
Matt: Who is the worst team in the playoffs? And who is the best team to have missed the playoffs?
Brandon: From a pure talent standpoint, top to bottom, the Bills are the worst team still in the playoffs. Their defense is sketchy. Their wide receivers are a who’s who of who’s that.
That said, they have the best qb still in the playoffs, so even the worst team can win thos weekend.
I’d love to say Dallas was the best team to not make the dance. There is no way that is true, though. That team had more roll over and die vibes than any other team.
Just for fun, ill say the best team to not make the playoffs was the Giants. They started to figure things out at the end of the year, and will be the sexy 2026 playoff jump team. (editors note: Brandon wrote this BEFORE Adam Schefter reported that John Harbaugh was taking over as coach)
Matt: Last but not least: We have playoff games this weekend? Who do you think is going to win?
Brandon: In The NFC, it will be San Francisco aaaaaaaand Chicago. We will get a rematch of that absolute barn barner of a game at the end of the regular season.
In the AFC, Houston and Buffalo go to the championship game. I’m a big believer in Houston’s defense. I’m also a big believer in betting on the best player still in the playoffs. Josh Allen is that person. Im going 4-0 or 0-4. No middle ground.
Fancy Boys Club 