There is no offseason in the NFL. There is PLENTY of offseason for me. The last time I wrote, Bill Belichick was still pretending that he was an NFL coaching candidate, the Chiefs felt inevitable, and people merely assumed Myles Garrett wanted out of Cleveland. But there is no offseason for the NFL. Before the hangover of the Philadelphia Eagles’ Super Bowl win had fully cleared, teams were assembling last weekend in Indianapolis for the NFL Draft Combine, where all of the best college players (except the ones who are too good to do drills) came to get judged based on their ability to jump, run in a straight line, and pretend that they want to be drafted by the New York Giants.
In an effort to be more like every other sports website, I’ve taken on the task of entering the 1,702,344th 2025 NFL Mock Draft into the universe. The difference between this and so many others you will read? This one is totally serious. I’ll be including projected trades, and will definitely take team competence into mind when making these picks. So without further adieu, let’s slap this donkey.
1st Pick: Shedeur Sanders, QB, New York Giants
The Giants trade with the Titans to get to the top of the draft to draft the best quarterback in the draft, then proceed to draft the second best quarterback in the draft. In order to do so, the Giants trade the number three pick this year, their first round pick next year, and John Mara offers up either one of his granddaughters, actresses Rooney and Kate Mara to dead Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams, in some afterlife version of the movie Indecent Proposal.
2nd Pick: Travis Hunter, WR/CB, Cleveland Browns
The Browns are the NFL version of your drunk friend that keeps sliding 100 dollar bills into a slot machine at the bar, even though they are already down hundreds of dollars, because the only way to make up the money is to gamble right the hell back out of it, no matter how dumb that idea is. The Browns need to eat their loss at quarterback and draft Cam Ward, but will continue to roll the dice with noted massage enthusiast and horrible quarterback Deshaun Watson. The Browns need to eat their loss at defensive end, trade Myles Garrett, and draft Abdul Carter.
Instead, they will do neither of those things, and take the most athletic player in the draft, who looks infinitely better at playing both sides of the football when he is playing against Texas Tech and Utah. Hunter says he plans to play both positions in the pros. This will last until the first time he tries to receive a pass going across the middle against the Ravens and Kyle Hamilton attempts to decapitate him, and he becomes a full time cornerback.
3rd Pick: Cam Ward, QB, Las Vegas Raiders
In an even more shocking trade than the first pick, the Tennessee Titans trade the 3rd pick, and the right to a night of sex with Rooney Mara (or Kate, depending on Raiders owner Mark Davis’ preference) which they got in the Giants trade to the Raiders for the 6th pick and a night of sex with Raiders minority owner Tom Brady for very much alive Titans owner Amy Adams Strunk.
Brady assumes his natural role as Vegas Gigolo, and in doing so, nets the best quarterback in the draft class.
4th Pick: Will Campbell, OL, New England Patriots
Belichick and his stooges might be gone, but the Patriots desire to only use high draft picks on giant white guys will live on forever. Campbell will protect Drake Maye’s blind side, in theory, but it won’t really matter. The Patriots brought epic fail son of the organization Josh McDaniels back for a third run as offensive coordinator, which means that Maye will put up numbers that will generally be referred to as “Ryan Tannehillish” for eternity, while Mcdaniels wraps a belt around his neck every night and slaps at his junk while dreaming of bringing Brian Hoyer out of retirement and benching Maye.
5th Pick: Mike Green, DE, Jacksonville Jaguars
Abdul Carter is there for the taking, but in typical Jaguars fashion, the team passes him up to draft a lesser player because their owner was too busy twirling his mustache on a super yacht to care. New head coach Liam Cohen has to be wrestled away from the phone as he tries to draft Ashton Jeanty because Tank Bigsby gives him “bad vibes.”
BTW, everything Liam Cohen has done, from the backroom meetings, getting people fired, the creepy way he talks, the fact that he can’t say DUVAL without three rape whistles going off, gives off heavy Adam Gase vibes. This is not a complement anywhere else in the country, but in a godless swamp like Jacksonville, the guy will probably have a statue built of him outside of a 24 hour gator show.
6th Pick: Abdul Carter, DE, Tennessee Titans
The Titans need help everywhere. But they have traded back for extra draft capital and a Tom Brady captained trip to Pound Town, and still managed to get the best prospect in the draft in Carter. Carter is a game wrecker off the edge who can get a team 15 sacks per season and anchor a defense for the next decade. He will do all of these things, but since he is doing it in Nashville, it will be done in complete and utter obscurity.
7th Pick: Tetairoa McMillan, WR, New York Jets
The absolute funniest scenario here is the Jets, realizing they have wasted money and draft capital on the epically failed Aaron Rodgers experiment, and knowing there isn’t a quarterback who can change their fortune in Free Agency go and make a massive overdraft that everyone will point and laugh at for years, like when the Giants drafted Daniel Jones…you know what, let’s do that instead.
7th Pick: Jaxson Dart, QB, New York Jets
Jaxson Dart is a project who will not be ready for the NFL at the beginning of the year, or most likely at all in 2025. Therefore, the Jets will sign noted fill-in Tyrod Taylor to start the season quarterbacking the team. The notably illiterate Jets fanbase will call for Taylor’s head after three possessions into the first game, and Dart will get the beejesus kicked out him for the next four months, throwing to what is left of Aaron Rodgers’ Caravan of Dumpy Receivers on the team.
Jaxson Dart is currently ranked 57th on Dane Brugler of The Athletic’s Big Board. This, in theory, makes him a late second round pick. So early first round to a team that is criminally bad at evaluating quarterbacks seems about right.
8th Pick: Jalon Walker, DE, Carolina Panthers
He’ll be fine, I guess. Anything to keep a University of Georgia player off of the Eagles, I suppose. The Panthers had the worst defense in the NFL last year after getting rid of all of their good players, and still somehow have a terrible cap situation that will keep them from rebuilding quickly. Walker will play one injury filled season with the Panthers, then demand a trade to play with his friends in Philadelphia. Somehow always operating from a disadvantage, the Panthers will trade him to the Eagles for a future third round pick and the ghost of Jeremy Maclin or something.
9th Pick: Mason Graham, DT, New Orleans Saints
Realizing they have no choice but to be stuck with Derek Carr as their starting quarterback, the Saints decide their only chance of surviving the skibidi toilet that is the NFC South will be to reinforce their defense. I’ve been told Graham is a very good interior defensive lineman. Which…cool. This is a team that would definitely go for a quarterback early in the first round if their salary cap situation wasn’t so heroically screwed that they have no choice but to keep Carr and hope he gives you six good games a year instead of his customary five.
The New Orleans Saints have 57 million dollars in cap space this year. I’m sorry, I mistyped, I meant to say that the Saints have negative 57 million dollars in cap space this year. Free agency doesn’t start for several weeks. The draft isn’t for another month and a half. And the Saints need to jettison 57 million dollars in salary to be cap compliant this year. Ten NFL teams have at least 50 million in cap space, but this crawfish boil fire of a franchise has to find a way to get 66 million off the books just so they can afford to sign all of their draft picks.
I mean, it was worth it though, right? They modified and backloaded all those contracts over the years and they have that Super Bowl to show for it! What was that? Oh, they won 15 years ago? And this salary cap monstrosity has nothing to do with any of that? Well I’ll be damned. Oh well. Screw ’em.
10th Pick: Who cares, they will just screw it up, position meaningless, Chicago Bears
In 2023, the Chicago Bears passed on drafting Jalen Carter because they thought he might be a bad culture fit because he was lazy, unprepared for his pro day, and was involved in that street racing death. So they drafted Darnell Wright. Wright has been exactly what you’d expect from a team that was afraid to pull the trigger on a talent like Carter. He’s been okay. He exists. He’s there. He’s a middle of the road offensive lineman. Jalen Carter is already an anchor on the defensive line of the Super Bowl Champion Eagles. The Bears haven’t won a playoff game in 14 years.
Let’s just say they take Armond Membou, offensive lineman from Missouri, mostly because I didn’t find anything on TMZ about him when I google searched his name, and god knows we can’t have that.
11th Pick: Tyler Booker, OL, San Francisco 49ers
The cost of offensive linemen is rising rapidly, and finding quality players is even tougher. Average offensive linemen are going to cost between 17-22 million dollars per year due to position scarcity. Investing heavily in quality offensive line play is good from a financial standpoint because it opens smart teams up to spend their money in incredibly stupid ways, like the 55 million dollars per year contract the 49ers are about to hand Brock Purdy, who is going to turn back into Rick Mirer any minute.
12th Pick: The Cowboys Sell Their Pick to Craig T Nelson
On the seminal television show Coach, Craig T Nelson played Hayden Fox, who coached the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles. Eventually, he was hired to coach the Orlando Breakers, an expansion team owned by an eccentric widow who wasn’t really interested in fielding a good football team, but rather making money. Kind of a proto-Jerry Jones, if you will.
Anyway, during the NFL draft on the show, Nelson and his coaches decide they are going to draft Jonathon Ogden with the first pick (even fictionally, this was a great call as Ogden would go on to have a Hall of Fame career, and was the only player drafted in the top 15 of this draft to make the Hall of Fame, even though Bengals tackle Willie Anderson deserves to be in the Hall too. The NFL Hall of Fame is remarkably dumb, but that’s a story for a different day). But before they could get the pick in, it was announced that the Breakers had traded the first pick in the draft to the Dallas Cowboys for some oil derricks.
Now, 29 years later, Jerry Jones is the eccentric doofus of an owner and Craig T Nelson is out for revenge. Posing as the owner of the Cincinnati Bengals, Nelson makes an offer to Jones. Jones, preoccupied by his two prostitutes, agrees to the trade Nelson puts forth. Nelson then pulls off his Mike Brown (the owner of the Bengals…keep up) mask, screams “Sic Semper Tyrannis” and releases actual Bengals into Jones’ orgy room. Jones throws his son, who had previously been fanning him with a palm frond while wearing one of those eyes wide shut masks, at the tigers and escapes with the prostitutes. Once safely inside of his escape pod, Jones catches his breath, pulls out his phone, and calls Dark Prescott demanding he take a pay cut.
13th Pick: Malaki Starks, S, Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins should spend every draft pick every year investing in offensive linemen to protect their lava lamp brained quarterback, but they have also had to cut half their defense so they can afford their offense that can’t function the moment the temperature hits “midwest spring.” They draft a safety because, why not. They need one, and i’ve simultaneously lost interest in doing this while also realizing I had 20 more picks to go. Let’s speed round this…
14th Pick: Will Johnson, CB, Indianapolis Colts
Colts General Manager goes to the draft like a recent divorcee at last call, desperately begging for attention from anyone, trying to trade Anthony Richardson. Everyone laughs at him behind his back. And to his face.
15th Pick: Jalen Milroe, QB, Atlanta Falcons
In an effort to make sure they let Kirk Cousins know he REALLY isn’t wanted there, they draft another quarterback in the first round.
16th Pick: Shemar Stewart, DE, Arizona Cardinals
Even though edge is a position of need, the 6’5 Stewart is drafted exclusively to put Kyler Murray on his shoulders and wear a giant trench coat so Murray can ride all of the rides at Disney World.
17th Pick: Josh Simmons, OL, Cincinnati Bengals
Horrified by the actions of Craig T Nelson, the Bengals offer the 17th pick to the Cowboys. Jerry Jones says he doesn’t want to pay the player they would take there though, so he passes. Instead the Bengals draft an offensive lineman.
18th Pick: Kelvin Banks, OL, Seattle Seahawks
Realizing they can’t get out of the Geno Smith contract by just having an offensive line that is so bad, they get Smith killed, the Seahawks decide to invest in the offensive line.
19th Pick: Ashton Jeanty, RB, Chicago Bears
Bears GM Ryan Poles can’t help himself. The urge to trade is just too much. Coach Ben Johnson wants a Chicago version of David Montgomery and Jahmyr Gibbs. So after murdering everyone in the draft room who tells him that trading both of his second round picks, along with future draft capital for a running back when there are so many other things wrong with the team, Poles’ blood drenched hand grabs the phone and calls Tampa. The trade goes through, and Jeanty, from noted running back factory Boise State becomes a Bear.
20th Pick: Matthew Downing, QB, Denver Broncos
Downing a quarterback out of Elon, is drafted here because he is, as far as I can tell, the oldest draft eligible player in this year’s draft, and the Broncos like them old.
21st Pick: Colston Loveland, TE, Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers need a lot of things, but there is nothing them and their dumb yinzer fans love more than screaming the tight end’s name in unison after making a catch. They already get to scream “muuuuuth” every time Pat Friermuth catches a pass, but the fans wants want to slap their kielbasa stained hands together and cheer for another tight end. With this pick, there are all sorts of options. Cole. Colston. Loooooove. LoveLaaaaaand. Or whatever else they can think of (they can’t think of anything else).
22nd Pick: Mykell Williams, DE, Los Angeles Chargers
The team is set to lose Khalil Mack to free agency and Joey Bosa to a role in the Trump cabinet, so Williams, the best player on the board at this point, will fill the role nicely.
23rd Pick: Nick Emmanwori, S, Baltimore Ravens
The Packers had the 23rd pick, but they wanted to to gain an extra 4th round pick so they could draft a Wide Receiver (because they DO NOT draft receivers in the first round) so they trade back. The Ravens pick up a player to go alongside Kyle Hamilton, and everyone in the league will quietly mutter something along the lines of “of course the Ravens got Emmanwori. That’s such a Ravens move.” It is such a Ravens move and he’ll be an All Pro in three years.
24th Pick: Derrick Harmon, DT, Kansas City Chiefs
The Minnesota Vikings hold this pick, but after realizing that Matt Stafford won’t be traded and that JJ McCarthy is really just a rube who loses his magic power then Jim Harbaugh isn’t around, they trade this pick to the Chiefs for all the flowers and champagne that Kansas City had prematurely purchased, thinking it was their destiny to win the Super Bowl.
Drunk on champagne and holding thousands of flowers, Vikings General Manager Kwesi Adofo-Mensah pulls a Say Anything out front of Sam Darnold’s house.
25th Pick: Luther Burden, WR, Houston Texans
Texans quarterback CJ Stroud throws so many passes that gets his wide receivers killed on the field, that the team has to come to terms with the fact that they will be drafting a sacrificial lamb wide receiver in the first round every year.
26th Pick: Tyler Warren, TE, Los Angeles Rams
The Rams desperately need offensive line help to keep their aging quarterback upright if the Rams want an opportunity to get back to the postseason in 2025. So instead they draft a tight end because head coach Sean McVay wants to add a new wrinkle to his offense and can’t do it with Tyler Higbee at Tight End, since he was butt cheeks all season last year.
27th Pick: Shavon Revel Jr, CB, Green Bay Packers
There are so many Wide Receivers on the board. So far, only two have been drafted. The current receiving corps for the team is overachievers and whatever ailment will assuredly take down Christan Watson four games into the season. The team is tempted to draft Matthew Golden out of Texas because Golden is a shade of yellow, and yellow is the color of cheese. But then they remember above all else, no matter what, THEY DON’T DRAFT WIDE RECEIVERS IN THE FIRST ROUND.
So they draft a cornerback to replace Jaire Alexander. The pick will get t hem a modest B in most draft recaps.
28th Pick: The Coffin Car from the tv show The Munsters, Detroit Lions
Realizing that more players aren’t going to be the thing that motivates the team, head coach human version of Spuds McKenzie, Dan Campbell decides the best way to motivate his team is to get one of the more iconic cars from early television. He tears ass around downtown Detroit all summer getting the fans excited for their inevitable first round loss in the playoffs this upcoming year.
29th Pick: James Pearce Jr, DE, Washington Commanders
I honestly miss being able to make fun of Dan Snyder when I write about this team. The former owner of the team, and loathsome melting tube of butter, is probably sitting around trying to find native americans to pay off over something or the other, just so he can feel alive again.
30th Pick: Walter Nolen, DT, Buffalo Bills
Because they need one. I don’t know. We are almost done.
31st Pick: Matthew Golden, WR, Minnesota Vikings
Realizing that the only way to make JJ McCarthy to look like a functional quarterback is to give him literally every weapon imaginable, the Vikings decide to blow off reinforcing their defense by adding Golden, who can only possibly be a third receiver on this team. But that’s three receivers to throw to. How many teams have that???
32nd Pick: Tate Ratledge, G, Philadelphia Eagles
Highest ranked Georgia Bulldog that hasn’t been drafted yet.
Fancy Boys Club 