Congratulations, well adjusted adult. You have just spent the past four months spending your Sundays doing repairs around the house, going to brunch with friends, foraging for various vegetables you could purchase at the grocery store instead, or whatever hobby you developed that doesn’t involve you screaming at a TV. As a non-football fan, you have been able to funnel your anger and love and frustration into things that could be construed as a hobby, like splunking.
The calendar has flipped to the second weekend of January now, and that means the NFL playoffs. Mere weeks away from the Super Bowl. Legally, you are obligated to care then. So why not jump on the football bandwagon now. It’s kind of like The Golden Bachelor, only a somehow less depressing look at mortality.
You have loved ones, or at least people who secretly check out your Insta at 3am, that are football fans. They usually root for one team. Rooting for multiple teams creates an unseemly counterbalance that inevitably leads to the “I root for all the teams” effect, which football fans refer to as Rob Lowe’ing.
It’s much more likely you have a rooting interest that is close to you, most likely due to geography. There is something inherently off about people who live in, say, Florida, who claim to be Seahawks fans. That’s two time zones apart. It just doesn’t work. Your best bet is just to cling on to what those around you are rooting for, and go with that.
Or you can sarcastically say things like “sports ball” and everyone will quietly wonder why you were kicked out of your Dungeons and Dragons guild before going back to forgetting you were there.
Here is a guide for whether the team you are going to root for have a chance at making the playoffs.
Carolina Panthers-No, and they won’t be for a very long time. You know the friend you have that just had this incredible vibe with a Tinder match so they left their longtime relationship to chase this, only the person they went for was much shorter and less interesting in real life, and their ex ended up with someone who you all know is epic, and they also got the dog the two had adopted together. Now the original person is single, along, and dogless. THAT’s what it’s like to be a Panthers fan.
New York Jets-You might think that Aaron Rodgers is interesting because you only catch bits and pieces of him and you think he is provocative. Just remember that Aaron Rodgers’ entire family doesn’t speak to him and his only friends are people that can profit off of him, and he willingly accepts this fact because he is a boner who loves to hear himself say dumb things that he thinks are smart. He sucks. This team sucks. And they missed the playoffs so they cannot make the Super Bowl this year.
New York Giants-There is nothing interesting about this team and they cannot win the Super Bowl this year.
Minnesota Vikings-Do you hate birds? If so, you will love the Vikings’ stadium. Hundreds of birds die each year flying into the outside facade because it reflects to look like the sky. If you enjoy ornithology, you will hate this team. They also missed the playoffs. So they aren’t winning anything.
Cincinnati Bengals-Don’t bother. This city considers putting a bunch of cinnamon into their chili and dumping it on spaghetti noodles to be a delicacy, which tells you everything you need to know. Everyday Cincinnati wakes up thanking the lord that Cleveland exists so they aren’t considered the worst city in Ohio. Didn’t make the playoffs. Don’t worry about rooting for them or eating their nasty food.
Los Angeles Chargers-This is really a non-factor. They don’t have any actual fans, so you won’t actually know any to influence you. Every week they play, their stadium is mostly filled with fans of the opposing team. Oh, and the team sucks. They cannot win the Super Bowl. Probably ever.
Denver Broncos-Season 15 of Top Chef was filmed in Denver. It was a really good season. Joe Flamm was on it. So was Joe Sasto. One episode, they made the chefs camp out in the woods for two days and make a gourmet meal using only campfire tools. The guy that got eliminated in that challenge tried to do rabbit three ways, which is a notorious no-no on the show. You should always try to do one thing great, rather than try to pull off three separate things. The season was nice because it seemed like most of the chefs really liked eachother. I talk about this instead because the Broncos are uninteresting and bad all at once. They can’t make the playoffs this year, and due to piss poor roster management, they won’t win the Super Bowl next year.
New Orleans Saints-Possibly one of the most fun NFL cities to throw up all over the street in. But they missed the playoffs because they waited until 90% of the season was over to take it seriously.
Seattle Seahawks-Season ten of Top Chef was filmed in Seattle. Possibly one of the best seasons of all time. It had Brooke Williamson, Kristen Kish, John Tesar, and Sheldon Simeon. I was rooting for Sheldon the entire time because he is a Maui guy. I’ve actually been to three of his restaurants during my visits there. I didn’t love Lineage. On the other hand, I really love his casual lunch takeout spot Tin Roof. The Mochiko chicken is fantastic. I’m a sucker for a perfectly made chicken thigh. My wife absolutely has to have the beat salad every time we are there. He also took over a restaurant in Wailuku called Tiffanys. We went there on New Years eve last week for their special brunch. I would kill to find food that good out here. If you ever go to Maui, make sure to hit me up. I’ll give you all my favorite food spots, and the touristy spots to avoid. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, the Seahawks? They can’t win the Super Bowl. They missed the playoffs.
Las Vegas Raiders-Do you ever find a bar or a restaurant you really like but you know you are never going to go there again because it is so badly managed, you are genuinely afraid the manager might come running out with their hair on fire, wielding a knife, trying to stab everyone? That’s the Raiders. You want to like them, but they are managed by a doofus fail son who appears to put a bowl on his head and cut his own hair. Not winning the Super Bowl ever again.
Chicago Bears-On The Golden Bachelor, the woman who ended up wooing the elderly (and, I assume, very rich) guy was a woman named Theresa Nist, who is 70! years old. That’s pretty old. The owner of the Bears was born 31 years before that. Here is a small list of things that were invented AFTER Virgina McCaskey was born:
The first electric traffic light
The Cheeseburger
Penicillin
Sliced Bread
The Walkie Talkie
You know the famous saying “the best thing since sliced bread?” Virginia McCaskey literally predates sliced bread. The Bears missed the playoffs and can’t win the Super Bowl. And all of their fans buy their clothes from Menards.
Atlanta Falcons-We all have the friend in high school who spent all their money on a spoiler, rims, an exhaust, and all sorts of other stuff for their car, but their car is a 600 dollar 1992 Toyota Corolla, and the engine is about to break down and die. That’s the Atlanta Falcons. They have used their last three first round picks on premium position players, but proceeded to surround them with one of the worst coaches in the NFL and a borderline incompetent quarterback. The team had a chance to make the playoffs and go to the Super Bowl, but then they absolutely TAAAAAAANKED the end of their season and missed out.
New England Patriots-The only people you know who root for the Patriots are the type of people who you don’t respond to when they text and call you. You kind of know they are Qanon types, but they have never outright said it. Every time you see them at parties, you always end up stuck in an uncomfortable conversation with them over something Joe Rogan said on his podcast. The team sucks. The fans suck. They can’t win the Super Bowl.
Jacksonville Jaguars-This team wishes they were actually based in London. That makes sense, because much like the British in the Revolutionary War, the Jaguars staked themselves out to a massive lead only to collapse when it mattered most.
Arizona Cardinals-My wife and I used to love to escape to Nashville (more on that in a minute) but when that was wrecked, we started to go to Arizona every spring. Let me tell you, it’s fantastic. There is so much to do in Arizona in the spring, like baseball games in a more casual setting, great food, awesome bars, tons of natural beauty. Oh, they play football there, too? If I don’t care, then you don’t have to, either.
Washington Commanders-This team was purchased by the guy who owns Fanatics. Fanatics recently purchased Topps Sports Cards and are now trying to use their massive scale to push all other companies out of the sports card industry through dirty tactics and backroom dealings. As someone who grew up having different card companies making baseball cards every year, the variety drove my love for the sport. Topps, Upper Deck, Fleer, Donruss, Leaf. Soon, it’s only going to be Topps (owned by Fanatics) and Panini, who only produces unlicensed product because Topps came in and hijacked every exclusive sports license they could get their hands on. It’s really miserable for the industry. So naturally, I hate the owner of Fanatics. And so I hate Washington, and so should you.
Tennessee Titans-Why yes, this team IS based in Nashville. Oh, you went to a bachelorette party there? How neat. I’m sure nobody else has thought to do that there. Oh, you got on one of those group bicycles you could drink on? That’s. So. Exciting! You did how many shots at the Kenny Chesney Slap Yo’ Ass With A Surfboard Bar and Grill? Crazy. Anyway, don’t root for this team. And thank you for ruining Nashville for the rest of us.
Indianapolis Colts-The Colts matter so little that I completely forgot about them until I finished this piece and realized I was one team short. They missed the playoffs, and more importantly, they are located in Indiana. Don’t root for them.
The Rest of These Teams Made the Playoffs and Have a Chance…But How Much of a Chance
Cleveland Browns-Yea, it’s totally fine not to root for this team. A couple years ago, there was this quarterback who played for the Houston Texans whose name was Deshaun Watson. He was a top quarterback, but was unhappy and wanted to be traded. Then allegations started coming out about how he was a bit of a sexual predator against female masseuses. Then, more allegations. And more allegations. And more allegations. In the end, more than 20 women accused him of a wide ranging spectrum of terrible things. If you next thought is “well, he was obviously thrown out of the league, right?” Well, then let me tell you, you really don’t follow football and I appreciate you for it. You see, if you can throw a ball 60 yards in the air and run faster than the wind, then you will never be permanently gone from the NFL. In fact, there was a team that was not only willing to trade for him, but then give him a new contract giving him a record 230 million dollars worth of guarantees in the contract, effectively breaking the pay scale for NFL quarterbacks. That team? The Cleveland Browns. Now, Watson hasn’t played in months due to injury, and the Browns are kind of a fun story because they are being quarterbacked by Joe Flacco, who was semi-retired and sitting on his could at Halloween. But yea, rooting for this team is, at best, icky. And they also probably won’t win the Super Bowl.
Miami Dolphins-Do you like humidity? Do you just absolutely love meth addicted alligators who carry around revolvers due to open carry laws and meth gators being tax shelters? Do you like a city that pretends it is it’s own thing and not apart of the rest of the swamp of a state it is attached to? Then do I have a team for you! In reality, this team won’t win a Super Bowl even though they were favorites half way through the season. Their players are falling apart like a Leper village. I kind of like the idea of rooting for this team, but only because I look good in teal.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Now you REALLY want a Florida team to root for? This team is basically a cigarette boat with “Let’s Go Brandon” spray painted across the side and smoke billowing out of the engine because american flag bunting got stuck in the propeller blade. This team is dumpy, underwelming, and probably smells like Skol. This team is so Florida, they should pull out their throwback Orange jerseys. This team also can’t win a Super Bowl and would lose by 20 to every team in the playoffs except, ironically, the team they are playing.
Los Angeles Rams-I’m genuinely not sure how this team made the playoffs. I can’t say this team can’t make the Super Bowl because this team won a Super Bowl a couple years ago with some of the same guys, and now better options at number two receiver (Puka Nacua) and running back (Kyren Williams). The defense isn’t as good as it was, but this team is really well coached. I don’t think they can win it all, but I do think they can make some noise.
Kansas City Chiefs-Let’s get this one out of the way now. The Chiefs are the defending Super Bowl champions. They are quarterbacked by one of the best to ever do it, Patrick Mahomes. Unlike other veteran coaches, Andy Reid has been able to adapt and get better as he’s gotten older. The defense is better than the team that won it all last year. The wide receiving room is garbage but this team has shown in the past that when it comes to playoff time, they can adapt and thrive.
Ok, now that i’ve said all of those things you DON’T care about, let’s talk about Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift. Let’s approach it from both angles. Of course it makes sense that a massive celebrity would date an athlete. Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe dated back in the 50’s. Lance Armstrong was Sheryl Crow’s rebound after Kid Rock. And let’s not forget the torrid love affair of Jose Canseco and Betty White in 2017. People act like this is some big, weird romance. They are both celebrities. Taylor is obviously the bigger celebrity, but Travis Kelce is one of the best players on a football team worldwide acclaim. It’s not like she’s dating the pitcher for the Moe Joes softball team, even though i’m not going to kick her out of bed if she calls. And on the other side of the weird attack fandom, Taylor Swift isn’t the reason Travis Kelce hasn’t been as good this year. People have been predicting that Kelce was going to slow down for years. Tight ends just don’t play at that level forever. They take a different amount of punishment than quarterbacks. They are more prone to injury. That’s why there is only one great tight end who stayed great longer than Kelce, and that is partially because Tony Gonzalez took care of himself on a level that nobody, outside of maybe The Rock, does. Kelce is only having a down season compared to his other seasons. He is still a top five tight end in the league.
I said all of that to say this: The Chiefs probably don’t have what it takes to win the Super Bowl this year. They have played so many games the past few years with the same basic core. The team looks worn down.
Philadelphia Eagles-But not as worn down by this runaway freight train. The Eagles spent nearly the entire season as the top seed in the NFC and quarterback Jalen Hurts was an MVP favorite. Then they lost five of their last six games and now they look like they have as much chance at succeeding as a SpaceX rocket. The defense is currently being run by Matt Patricia. If you are a football fan, you find this fact incredibly funny. If you aren’t a football fan, this is the rough equivalent of Taylor Swift’s guitar player going off and creating their own album, and that album being so bad they get fired from their record label. Then that guitar player has to come back with their tale between their legs and ask Taylor for their job back. Taylor rehires them, but instead of letting them be a guitar player, Taylor makes them play drums, and they are BAAAD at it. And Taylor fired him again for being bad at it. Now that guitar player is playing guitar again, but is playing guitar for REO Speedwagon and all the septuagenarian fans of the wagon hate the guitar player because they cannot get the riffs for “Keep On Rolling” correct.
Pittsburgh Steelers-Pittsburgh is a fun city to drink in during the summer. All the bars seem pretty chill. The MLB stadium is the best in all of baseball, and the perfect place to eat pierogies and drink a beer on a Friday night. Take all of the enjoyable things about the city of Pittsburgh, and the Steelers are the exact opposite of that. They play a brutal, grimy game of football. It’s not fun to watch. It’s not enjoyable to bet on. Their starting quarterback is only notable because a couple seasons ago, a player for the Browns claims the QB said the N word towards him, so that player, noted world wrecker and one of the best defensive players in football, Myles Garrett, ripped off the QB’s helmet and hit him over the head with it.
Anyway, the wheels will inevitably fall off this team. They just lost their best player, TJ Watt, to a knee injury. That said, this team will probably make the Super Bowl and make it the most brutal, unwatchable Super Bowl ever.
San Francisco 49ers-This is probably the team most likely to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. They have a bye week this week which is huge to get their team healthy and prepared. Everything will hinge on two players. Offensive lineman Trent Williams, and running back Christian McCaffrey. Have you ever seen video of houses after they get hit by tornadoes, and the only thing still standing is the fireplace and chimney. Just pure brick that can survive a wind bomb. That’s what Trent Williams is built like. Christian McCaffrey should win the MVP award, but won’t. The biggest threat to this team is quarterback Brock Purdy who had issues controlling the ball during the middle of the season, and coaching scaled back what they let him do when he was throwing. If he needs to make big plays in a tough spot, this team could have issues.
Buffalo Bills-This team was dead in the water a month ago. Then they got gritty and decided to win and win and win until they actually managed to come all the way back and win the AFC East on the final night of the regular season. This team is functionally Frankenstein monstered together, but they are among the hottest teams hitting the playoffs, and all it takes is quarterback Josh Allen and wide receiver Stefon Diggs getting on the same page for a few weeks to drag this team to the finish line.
Green Bay Packers-We all have that one friend who has all the luck. Everything just works out for them. They are good looking, athletic, have tons of friends, aren’t cynical about life, have tons of money. Everything just fell in place for them and they are in a constant state of experiencing the spoils of victory. That’s the Packers and their quarterback situation. Most teams go entire lifetimes without having a franchise quarterbacks. Now it appears the Packers will have their third straight franchise quarterback over a 32 year run. That’s impossible. Yet it’s happening to a franchise cheered on by a group of people who all lost their virginity to a wheel of cheese behind a Culvers.
Detroit Lions-Theoretically the most likable team on this list to root for. If you like underdog stories, then this is the team for you. The Lions last won their division in 1993 before winning this year. They are one of only two teams to ever go 0-16 in an entire season. Their greatest quarterback in team history won a Super Bowl for the Rams and is still manning that position for them now. Their two best players in team history (Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson) both retired rather than have to continue playing for this team. They only have one playoff win since Super Bowls started to be used to determine the league champion 56 years ago. Their jerseys are an iconic color (Honolulu Blue).
Their coach is an absolute jackass, though. Unless you live in Detroit, don’t get emotionally invested in a team coached by a guy who looks like he would eat insulation on a dare.
Houston Texans-This is the team i’m rooting for, and unfortunately, the biggest overachieving team, which usually means they will get bounced out of the playoffs immediately. The Texans weren’t expected to do anything this year. But they really seem to enjoy being around eachother and playing together. Their quarterback is CJ Stroud, who loves throwing the ball as far as he can. They might be the most fun team to watch. All that doesn’t mean much during the playoffs, though. The game slows down, and players and coaches tend to freeze up in those big moments. That being said, if you are a non fan looking for a new team to root for, there are definitely worse options than this team, who look like they might be really fun and good for a long time.
Dallas Cowboys-If everything falls into place, thiscould be the best team in the NFL. That said, they haven’t looked fully locked in since they bum slayed Washington, the Giants, and Carolina in consecutive weeks back in November. They beat up on the Eagles a few weeks ago, but then the Giants and Cardinals, two teams that are undeniably terrible, also beat up the Eagles right after that, so the victory doesn’t look as impressive in retrospect. They have a top 10 quarterback in Dak Prescott. They have a top 5 wide receiver in CeeDee Lamb. They have one of the best defensive players on the planet in Micah Parsons. They have all the pieces in place to make a Super Bowl run, but it’s a massive question mark if this team can even pull in the same direction for enough weeks to pull it off.
Baltimore Ravens-Most people are going to refer to this team as the favorites to win the Super Bowl. I will also do that. If you want to jump on a bandwagon that is most likely to make you look like the bandwagoniest bandwagoner at whatever Super Bowl party you attend, jump on the Ravens bandwagon. Their quarterback is MVP favorite Lamar Jackson. They have Odell Beckham! A lot of non football fans have heard of him! They are great on defense because they are always great on defense. If you want to really catch your football fan friends off guard, when you hear them mention how great Roquan Smith has been for their defense, casually mention that you think the defense is actually doing better because of how good Kyle Hamilton has been at Safety. If they ask you any follow up questions, I suggest throwing down a smoke bomb and making a run for it. Better to leave people wondering. Mostly wondering why you were carrying a smoke bomb, but still…
Fancy Boys Club 