It could have been so easy. It was right there for the taking. It took one decision to change everything. The axis of power forever thrown off it’s axle and for once a chance given to so many. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HIRE AARON RODGERS, JEOPARDY, YOU BASTARDS!
But no, instead King Shit Mustache is back to lord over the division again. Aaron Rodgers is like the band Kiss. He keeps threatening to leave our lives, making most of us happy. Then they keep coming back, infuriating everyone but a set of fat, white people. I’ve watched the preseason quite a bit because i’m dead on the inside. I like to make fun of the other shitty divisions in the NFL, but there is a genuine chance the Packers will have locked the division up by Thanksgiving. The quarterback situations range from “fans already booing the quarterback( Andy Dalton)” to “fans are hoping their quarterback gets a bad case of covid (Kirk Cousins)” to “eh, who the fuck cares anymore (Jared Goff).”
If you are going to anoint them, then just fucking anoint them. Let’s do the NFC North.
Green Bay Packers
2020 Record: 13-3
Coach: Matt LaFleur
Key Additions: Randall Cobb
Key Losses: Cory Linsley
The Packers are returning a team that has gone 13-3 in consecutive seasons. They are all returning to a division that is actively worse than it has been. Aaron Rodgers is back, and to make him happy, they traded for his old buddy Randall Cobb. The defense is still good. Rodgers will most likely be an MVP candidate again. There really isn’t much shit you can say about a team that has won 26 games in the past two seasons. So let’s make fun of their fans.
Packers fans exist to make every other fan base look more attractive. This is a collective that plans all of their major life events around whether the Mars Cheese Castle is open. Just an entire state that refers to Gouda as “the fancy cheese.” Lambeau Field is only a monument because it exists in a state that doesn’t have any monuments. This is also a group of people that would gladly erase Vince Lombardi from their memory if it meant they had more room in their cheddar scarred brains for Donald Trump. No group of people above the Mason-Dixon Line takes more joy in wishing for the return of the Confederacy than the entire state to the north of Milwaukee.
Hopefully they will get over Trump losing in time for their team to inevitably collapse in the playoffs again.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: They are one of the favorites.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: Begrudgingly
Team: Chicago Bears
2020 Record: 8-8
Coach: Matt Nagy
Key Additions: Andy Dalton
Key Losses: Kyle Fuller, Charles Leno, Roy Robertson-Harris
Here we fucking go. No better person to wreck this team than someone who loves them as much as me. You are always hardest on those you love. And you are even harder on teams that are actively starting Andy Dalton over Justin Fields. I know i’m not supposed to put too much stock in the preseason, but I watched a formerly good Bears defense get carved up by a formerly bad Bears quarterback in Kissin’ Titties Trubisky.
The offense has been absolutely non-functional outside of one pass so far with Dalton as the quarterback. And even that pass needed a great play by the receiver to not hit the cornerback in the back of the head. That being said, noted quarterback whisperer (I say this with the heaviest sense of irony) Matt Nagy has not let first round draft pick, and literally the only thing that would make this team worth watching, Justin Fields, get any first team reps.
This team is insistent on letting a guy who wasn’t good enough to even act as a transitional quarterback for the Bengals, THE FUCKING BENGALS, be the starting quarterback over their future quarterback and should-be present quarterback. There is a zero percent chance that this team will be even remotely successful with the Red Rocket as quarterback. Also, let’s take a moment to talk about that fucking mustache Dalton has been rocking all preseason. He looks like Yosemite Sam. The only thing I can think of is that he lost a bet to end up having to rock that giant red push broom. No human being with any sense of self worth would allow himself to look that stupid on his own accord. Dalton looks like someone covered a dead ferret in Cheeto dust then Gorilla Glue’d it to his face. It looks god awful and is completely befitting of this backup up septic tank of a franchise.
This team is rotten from the top down. It is still run by the last surviving Civil War bride and her human parking cone children. While most owners buy sports teams as a toy, like a competitive human version of a Ferrari, the McCaskey family’s entire worth is tied up in the franchise. They won’t sell it because there are literally dozens of people now in line to inherit this stupid team. It would turn uglier than the Denver Broncos situation, which is just fucking nuts on it’s own merits.
Now they are planning to move the team to Arlington Heights and surround their new stadium with Amazon fulfillment centers and parking lots. That is actually the smartest thing this team has attempted to do in decades. Soldier Field is an absolute dump that makes opposing players feel better about whatever stadium they are playing in. If you don’t want to pay 300 dollars to park at the stadium, you are basically forced to park in Cicero and walk. The stadium itself still looks like a poorly built UFO crash landed into it, and the field still looks like it held a Monster truck event the night before the game. The team was better off when they played at Wrigley Field, and they won more games there.
Allen Robinson is just trying to avoid getting an ACL injury so he can hit free agency and get the hell out of town after the season. The defense is old and bad. Khalil Mack is owed 41 million dollars next year. Robert Quinn was a gigantic fucking waste of money. The offensive line couldn’t stop a group of senior citizens walking through the mall for exercise.
General Manager Ryan Pace has fist fucked the salary cap like an aging porn star. I mentioned above how much Mack is costing against the salary cap next year, and that is because, in a combination of bad salaries, bad draft picks(Anthony Miller, anyone?), trading draft picks, and restructuring contracts to create more bad contracts, the Bears are destined to exist in the VIP section of salary cap hell for years to come.
Of course, that is also why Andy Dalton is going to play, even though the best option for the Bears to win is to have a quarterback playing well on a rookie deal. Nagy and Pace have screwed up this roster badly enough that there is no way of them contending this season. That should put both on a solid trajectory to get fired, but if they keep Dalton in as long as possible, they will try to keep their jobs based on Justin Fields not being proven yet, and that they need another year to develop the quarterback to how their worth. It is a ridiculous grift, and smart franchises would never fall for it. The Bears, on the other hand, are one of the dumbest franchises in professional sports and will definitely just give them both contract extensions after the season.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: Maybe in a time machine, but not in this plane of reality.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: If you enjoy watching Andy Dalton throw four yard out patterns on 3rd and 8, then yes.
Team: Minnesota Vikings
2020 Record: 7-9
Coach: Mike Zimmer
Key Additions: Patrick Peterson, Dalvin Tomlinson
Key Losses: Kyle Rudolph, Reilly Reiff,
OH yeaaaa, look at this big dumpy tipped over port-a-john that’s on fire. Minesota, everyone! They have a great defense that is going to keep them in games all season, but their quarterback is noted dipshit and anti-vaxxer Kirk Cousins. Cousins is one of the people that bothers me the most about people who say they need to follow the science more before they are willing to get the shot. It’s one stupid thing to say that if you are someone who does a lot of research and is actually familiar with things such as this. It’s a MUCH STUPIDER thing when you look like you eat drywall and try to stick your dick in a light socket when nobody is around. Cousins truly puts the “pro” in prolapsed anus.
Joining that fucking doofus on the offense if breakout star Justin Jefferson and human resting bitch face Adam Thielen. Dalvin Cook will still be there to ruin your fantasy team with an injury right around the time your playoffs start. The offensive line is probably going to suck because the Vikings having a bad offensive line is as predictable as the sun rising every morning.
If Cousins doesn’t accidently set himself on fire putting his pants on in the morning and can play some kind of base level competence at the quarterback position on a weekly basis, then this team would be in position to make a playoff run. INstead, their quarterback is going to be a piss bucket full of bad. Cousins is aging like milk currently. He will kill his team for three consecutive weeks followed by a big game, and dumb fuck contrarian writers will have their yearly “actually Kirk Cousins might not be bad” missives to ejaculate out onto society, but real football fans will know that putting a “slow kids playing” on wheels would be a better choice at quarterback. It would also have more personality.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: If they trade for a good quarterback, then maybe.
Will They at Least be Entertaining: Justin Jefferson is fun. Dalvin Cook is good. But no, they will not be entertaining.
Team: Detroit Lions
2020 Record: 5-11
Coach: Dan Campbell
Key Additions: Jared Goff, Michael Brockers
Key Losses: Matt Stafford, Marvin Jones, Kenny Golladay, Jamal Agnew
I’m not wasting my time writing about the Lions. This team has sucked for the entirety of the NFL and this year, they traded away the greatest QB they ever had for a worse version of that guy. Then they signed a complete and utter moron as their coach. This team is not worth writing about.
Do They Have a Chance to Win the Super Bowl: Never have, never will
Will They at Least be Entertaining: Never have, never will