February 7, 2021- It’s midway through the first quarter of Super Bowl LV, and in his suite, Kansas City Chiefs owner Clark Hunt is already celebrating. His team, the expected favorite for tonight’s game, has just taken a 3-0 lead over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Surely, the Chiefs would be winning their second consecutive Super Bowl and he would be returning to Kansas City with the Lombardi Trophy and ready to bask in the praise the city would throw his way.
Then, there was a problem.
When Tom Brady threw his first touchdown pass to Rob Gronkowski and the Bucs took a 7-3 lead, Hunt was not that concerned. This was going to be a long night, and even though he had predicted a wire-to-wife victory, this was just a little bump that would be corrected as the night’s true outcome came to bear. However, at halftime, the score was 21-6, and the Chiefs top man knew that something was wrong. Clearly, this Super Bowl was being stolen. And something had to be done about it.
During the halftime show, Hunt assembled his team of sychophant executives and sprung to action. His first step would be to attempt to get CBS to issue a retraction. There was no way, in his mind, that they should be able to report this score when it hasn’t been properly checked or vetted by some sort of independent governing body. Texts were quickly composed and sent out to people all through the network. CBS analyst Tony Romo read his text while looking over halftime stats: “It’s too soon to call the first half for Tampa Bay.” However, Romo just ignored the text. He and sportscaster Jim Nantz had done a fair and honest job of reporting the game, and he was going to stand by his work.
As the second half carried on and Tom Brady and company expanded their lead, Hunt was getting angry. His team had won last year! How could people possibly say there was a chance they could lose? What forces were working against him? And what could he do to make sure the American public know that his team were the rightful champions?
As the final whistle blew and Bucs coach Bruce Arians got his Gatorade bath, Hunt made a proclamation to all Chiefs players, coaches and personnel: Refuse to accept defeat. While Tampa was celebrating, Hunt held a press conference where he told any reporter who would listen that what was happening was unfair. There was only one true winner of the 2021 Super Bowl, and it was the Chiefs.
And he was going to prove it by any means necessary.
February 14, 2021- While most of the country was getting ready to spend Valentine’s Day with the one that they loved, Hunt had assembled a team of lawyers and executives in his office. He and his cronies had spent all week on social media saying that, when the dust had cleared, America would see that Tampa Bay had committed fraud at the highest levels.
Over the week, Hunt held several rallies at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, MO. To a throng of fans in red MCCA (Make Chiefs Champs Again) hats, Hunt vowed that this wasn’t over and he would see victory in court. Defensive coordinator Stephen Spagnuolo made the rounds on any television show that would let him on as a guest, and he was saying there were too many things that didn’t add up: Why weren’t the Chiefs allowed to have a representative in the scoreboard operator’s room? How come there was testimony of people seeing Tom Brady talk to the referees before the game? And isn’t just a little to coincidental that the Super Bowl itself was being played in the Bucs’ home stadium? All of this smelled fishy.
For their part, Chiefs fans were also vocal about what they believed to be a stolen championship. Droves upon droves of Kansas City’s most faithful supporters filled message boards with conspiracy theories. Some said they saw vans pull up and drop off dozens of Buccaneer points. Others claimed that the whole thing went all the way to the top- Roger Goodell, commissioner of the league. Slowly, a narrative was being formed about Goodell. According to the message boards, he wasn’t just corrupt, he was evil. He was a man determined to be an all-powerful overlord, drinking the blood of children and willing to crush anyone in his path who tried to oppose him. Tampa owner Joel Glazer was portrayed as an evil puppet, trafficking in children for Goodell and other to do the most unspeakable things to. And who, according to the message boards, was the only person willing to stand up to these inhumane acts? Clark Hunt. And for that, he could not be allowed to win the Super Bowl.
Hunt was loving the conspiracy theories floating around which portrayed his opponents as Satan-worshipping monsters while making him look like the lone hero in the NFL. While he never directly said he supported any of the theories, the occasional retweet of one of his most fervent supporters gave the fans a clear message: “I’m one of you. Your theories are right.” Hunt even went so far as to call the other NFL owners “Un-American” for allowing the decision to make Tampa Bay the Super Bowl championship stand. When questioned, the owners all basically said the same thing: Hunt has the legal right to challenge Goodell’s decision in court.
However, Hunt was missing one thing; a man to lead his legal pursuits. Fortunately, he had an ace in the hole- Jimmy Johnson.
Johnson, the former Super Bowl winning coach of the Dallas Cowboys (also known as “America’s Team”, making him “America’s Coach”) quickly bought into Hunt’s conspiracy theories. Hunt, in turn, gave a lot of money to help support Johnson’s Three Rings chain of restaurants, though Hunt claimed that was just a friend supporting another friend. Johnson, a Fox analyst, would be provide enough credibility to allow Hunt to espouse all of his crazy theories.
A Valentine’s Day press conference was set up at a Kansas City Howard Johnson’s. However, the press noticed that the address given for the conference was not at a hotel or even at the restaurant chain but rather at the residence of Howard Earl Johnson, longtime resident of Kansas City. Jimmy Johnson was able to tell reporters about the upcoming court cases for about five minutes before Howard Johnson (no relation) threatened that if everyone didn’t get off of their lawn, he would call the cops and “turn the hose on them”.
February 18, 2021- Even with the unwavering support of Chiefs fans, many of whom were alienating themselves from their families, friends, and co-workers, things were not going well for Hunt.
Every court case they attempted failed, many being laughed out of the courtroom the moment the briefs were filed. Every sports network was calling Hunt an embarrassment, an issue he attempted to deflect by referring to them as the “biased mainstream sports media”. He encouraged fans to find their sporting news elsewhere, like the websites ChiefsAreChamps.com and TheLiteralChristianDevilIsRogerGoodell.biz. Hunt, attempting to play on the beliefs that he was the most American NFL owner, even attempted to start his own media conglomerate, the Patriot Sporting News. Immediately, there were problems as most people believed this to be an organization dedicated to New England sports.
A second press conference at Arrowhead proved disastrous. Jimmy Johnson was now telling people that the scoreboard could be easily hacked by, among others, the late dictator Benito Mussolini. As Johnson got more and more heated, people noticed that an odd black substance was leaking from his forehead down his cheek. Reporters were unsure whether is was hair dye or part of his brain leaking out, and they did not have a chance to ask as head coach Andy Reid ran up to the podium and put the odd substance on his cheesesteak, a passion of his from his days in Philadelphia.
It wasn’t just the legal battles and public respect he was losing; Hunt was also losing the loyalty of his own team. In many of his interviews, he continually blamed Chiefs players for not making more public statements declaring the Super Bowl results fake. These comments suffered an even deeper blow when Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce held an interview with ESPN saying that they saw no evidence to suggest that the game was rigged. Infuriated, Hunt traded both of them to the Jets.
There would be one last chance for Hunt. After calling Goodell, he demanded an owners meeting where the Super Bowl results would be debated and put to a vote. As a way of appeasing one of his owners, the exhausted commissioner finally gave in and agreed. The meeting would be held one week later.
February 25, 2001- Eighteen days after the 55th Super Bowl was being played, it would finally be over. At the NFL offices in midtown Manhattan, Roger Goodell’s assistants were preparing for all the owners to vote on the legitimacy of the Super Bowl. The meeting was expected to go fast, even though Clark Hunt had managed to get a few owners to also admit the game’s results have the possibility of being suspect (though many assumed those owners were just trying to butter up Hunt in case he also decided to trade Tyreek Hill).
Before the meeting, Hunt held a massive rally blocks away from the NFL offices, and it was filled with the kind of vitriol he had been delivering for weeks. In front of a sea of red hat-wearing ideologues holding “#StopTheSteal” signs, Jimmy Johnson got the crowd fired up by saying that it was time to go to war, and encouraging people to visit his Three Rings chain on “Half-Off Burgers Thursday”. Kansas City native Tech N9ne delivered a new song called “Rightfully Ours”. But the real red meat was delivered by Hunt.
Opening his speech with, “I will never give up, never concede, never surrender until our city gets what is rightfully ours,” he spoke for over an hour describing how everyone from Goodell to the media is corrupt and needs to be taken to task. He closed his speech by thanking the crowd for coming and encouraged them to join him as they “see to justice” in the NFL offices.
This was all the crowd needed.
Hundreds of Chiefs fans, all of whom believed their team was the victim of a plot to oppress their freedom and bragging rights, stormed into the NFL offices. Beleaguered security guards just looked on as they were easily overrun while the crowd broke windows, stole paintings of Paul Tagliabue and attempted to get into the penthouse, where the owners were trapped and afraid for their lives.
No one knows how the first shots got fired, whether by security of Chiefs fans or the NYPD who were responding, but when it was all said and done, there was a body count: five dead, including one police officer.
Immediately, Hunt attempted to distance himself from the chaos. In a lengthy and ill-advised press statement, the Chiefs owner said, “When I said that all of the NFL were Satan-loving pedophiles trying to take everything away from you and they deserve justice, I just meant a stern talking to! Maybe you find their dirty cars and write ‘Wash Me!’ on them or something!” Online, Chiefs fans- many of whom posted video of themselves storming the offices- were attempting to blame the event on Broncos fans pretending to be from Kansas City. In the end, when the owners were finally able to vote, even Hunt agreed to a “peaceful transition of the Lombardi trophy”, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were the official Super Bowl Champions.
February 28th- Days after the events in Manhattan, the NFL is still dealing with the fallout.
Clark Hunt was removed as owner, despite the support of a local businessman Stan “Your Mattress” Gunderson, who released a seventeen-hour video still claiming the scoreboard was illegally hacked. Some Chiefs fans are claiming that they will never watch another game, because there is no way to know what games are rigged and what games are legitimate. Super Bowl-winning QB Tom Brady continues to bang his supermodel wife in his mansion.
When asked about the events of February, a NFL executive, asking to be anonymous, told a reporter that, “Thankfully, this was just a football game. I mean, could you imagine what would happen to our country if something like this happened during an election?”