In light of Sunday’s revelation that Donald Trump not only doesn’t pay taxes, but isn’t actually rich, it is worth remembering that it is the NFL’s fault that this governmental hellscape has befallen us. And no, i’m not referring to his fuming about players kneeling.
In 2014, Donald Trump wanted to purchase the Buffalo Bills. He wasn’t allowed to buy the team. Anyone care to guess why? You all know how Trump has gone to incredible lengths to hide his tax returns? He wasn’t so lucky when it came to the NFL. He wasn’t allowed to hide his tax returns to the NFL because they would have just told him to fuck off and sell the team to someone else. Then the NFL saw Trump’s tax returns and told Trump to fuck off and sold the team to someone else.
It actually goes deeper than that, though. Not only were his tax returns proof to the NFL that he couldn’t afford to own a football team, he had actually doctored his tax returns to make him look like he was worth more than he actually was. And the NFL decided he was completely full of shit. Then, when he realized he wasn’t going to be able to own the team on his own merit, he tried to sabotage the person who was believed to be at the top of the list to purchase the team: Jon Bon Jovi.
Bon Jovi was the face of an ownership group that was looking at the possibility of moving the Bills to Toronto, making them the first NFL team to play in Canada permanently. Trump, knowing he couldn’t get the team on merit, decided to ruin Bon Jovi’s chances at it in the most Trump way possible. He hired Michael Caputo to start a grassroots campaign against the Bills moving to Toronto. You might not have heard of him, but noted Trump confidants and current felons Paul Manafort and Roger Stone were very familiar with him. In fact, Caputo was a political consultant for Vladimir Putin.
There should be nothing shocking about what happened next…they started facebook groups to create a group of people who were vocally against the move. They then hired military veterans to pose as Bills fans to give them a sympathetic look. And then they paid off a bunch of people to start trouble until there was no way possible the owners of the Bills could possibly risk selling their team to Bon Jovi and friends. You know, pretty much the exact same thing as has happened since Trump began running for president. Trump hired people to agitate the masses of people who were too dumb to fact check anything (Bon Jovi’s group weren’t actually the favorites to buy the team, and the Bills were purchased by actual billionaires Terry and Kim Pegula) in an attempt to make himself look good without actually having attached his name to this.
Trump wasn’t able to outsmart the NFL, so instead he used his notable teenage girl-like grudge abilities against the NFL, found a rallying cry by inciting the dumbest, most racist americans into thinking that kneeling was disrespecting the troops, and became president. We are truly living in the dumbest timeline.
THE RANKINGS
1: Kansas City Chiefs
I know that they were technically playing in Baltimore, but it is insane to me that the Chiefs were underdogs, and basically everyone I know was betting Baltimore. I’m not sure if it’s Chiefs fatigue that people have, but they emphatically beat up the Ravens on Monday Night Football.
2: Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers’ top reciever was out. The person that assumed the role of top wide receiver went and ruined a lot of people’s fantasy weekends. Then he three for 288 yards and three touchdowns and won on national television. The Packers are very real. The Smith boys on their defense are world wreckers. It’s all based on health in the NFL, but the Packers don’t look like a team on the wrong side of the quarterback aging spectrum in the same way the Saints and Colts do. Aaron Rodgers might even play his way into MVP contention, especially if the Packers win 13 games and run away with the NFC North.
3: Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson has to be the favorite for MVP, mostly because his defense might be total ass. They have not stopped anyone on defense so far this season, which means Wilson has to keep hucking the ball around the field all day and night to keep his team on top. This team is more fatally flawed than the Packers, but they still have a higher top end than any team in the league.
4: Buffalo Bills
The Bills almost blew a 28-3 lead. Then they didn’t. They stayed undefeated and Josh Allen is looking more and more everyday like the quarterback everyone wishes Carson Wentz and Mitch Trubisky would be. The Patriots could give them trouble, but they still play in an abandoned amusement park of a division that will gift somebody a bye in the first round of the playoffs.
5: Pittsburgh Steelers
So, wait. Is James Conner good again? The Steelers are going to win 11 games this year and crumble like shitty stained glass in the playoffs. This is going to be an unremarkable season that will involve getting set on fire in a ditch by the Ravens twice.
6: New England Patriots
It didn’t even look like the Patriots were trying very hard on Sunday. They just kinda beat the shit out of the Raiders in a shockingly nonchalant way. Rex Burkhead having the day he had Sunday is why I have trust issues and never draft any Patriots players in fantasy football.
7: Tennessee Titans
This team hasn’t beaten anyone. That said…
8: Chicago Bears
This team has functionally lost two games, and is 3-0 because of two epic meltdowns and an oh-so fundamental Giants loss. The Bears haven’t really shown anything on defense yet, even though Khalil Mack is back to beating the piss out of opposing linemen. If the defensive line gets right, and quickly, the Bears have games against the two least mobile quarterbacks in the NFL in Philip Rivers and Tom Brady over the next two weeks, and can really cave in some over-the-hill QB skulls.
9: Baltimore Ravens
For three quarters, the team was non functional on offense. The Chiefs stayed one step ahead of them the entire game. Going into the 4th quarter, the Ravens had something insane like 48 passing yards. I’m not even sure where this team should rank. Maybe they are the second best team in the league still. Maybe this team just can’t get a game plan going for big games.
10: Las Vegas Raiders
Probably not as good as they were in Week 2, but also probably not as bad as they were on Sunday. Derek Carr just isn’t explosive enough as a quarterback to play from behind. If they can find a spark on defense, then they still have an easy run to a wild card spot, with the East a two team division, the north a two team division, and the South a fucking bad football hootenanny that will be lucky to produce one fully competent playoff team.
11: Los Angeles Rams
Instead of falling apart, the Rams fought the hell back into the game and had a chance to win in the end. Aaron Donald is the best player in the NFL and is basically Goro at the end of Mortal Kombat.
12: Arizona Cardinals
That was a very Baker Mayfieldish game by Kyler Murray. Still though, there is a very good chance this game is more of an anomaly than anything else. Mostly because I believe in the Cardinals and I REALLY don’t believe in the Lions.
13: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs are probably good at football, but it’s impossible to know because they got the crap kicked out of him by a Saints team that can’t move the ball down field, and then beat the crap out of a Broncos team that played something called a Brett Rypien. The offense is not as explosive as some optimists believed, but they also aren’t as dumpy as the Eagles “dream team” from eight years ago.
14: San Francisco 49ers
Nick Mullens threw for 343 yards. If there was anyone that predicted that…then they probably watched the first two New York Giants games of the season and knew that team couldn’t stop a 9 year old on a Slip N Slide. A well coached team can get away with playing a backup quarterback, backup running back, backup wide receivers, back up offensive and defensive linemen, as long as that well coached team is playing the dregs of the NFL, all of whom seem to exist in the state of New York.
15: New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees is…like he might not be done, but he’s hitting that point where we would have all been relatively fine with having retired at the end of last season. Why come back when you know the end game is another heart breaking loss in the playoffs? Do they really want to be the team that gives up 31 fourth quarter points to Mitch Trubisky after Nick Foles goes out with a dong related injury in the NFC Championship Game.
16: Indianapolis Colts
The only win any of their opponents have this year is by the Jaguars, and that win was over the Colts.
17: Cleveland Browns
I don’t believe in this team any farther than I can throw them. And I shouldn’t be throwing any professional football teams with my bad back.
18: Carolina Panthers
This defense isn’t very good, but at least they are young and can grow into it. On the other end of the spectrum…
19: Dallas Cowboys
This defense isn’t very good, but they are also old and their best player got thrown out of the NFL for beating up women.
20: Detroit Lions
This team should be 2-1. Of course, they are the Detroit Lions, so they are just lucky they aren’t 0-3 and the team doctor didn’t accidentally amputate Kenny Golladay’s leg. Henry Ford was a nazi sympathizer. Never Forget.
21: Miami Dolphins
Aww. That’s adorable. You beat the Jacksonville Jaguars on thursday night and completely screwed up one of my more ridiculous parlays. JUST LET TYLER EIFERT CATCH A TOUCHDOWN YOU FUCKS! YOUR SEASON WAS ALREADY OVER.
22: Los Angeles Chargers
Turns out Justin Herbert is more beatable when the starting quarterback isn’t busy being stabbed by the team doctor in the goddamn lung.
23: Houston Texans
If their dead confederate war statue of an owner was still around, you had better believe he would have fired his caoch by now. A quick reminder that Bill O’Brien is both the coach and the General Manager. The same general manager that traded their next seven first round picks for Laremy Tunsil without realizing that he only plays one position on the offensive line and that the other four are still occupied by factory defective wacky waving tube men.
24: Washington Football Team
So, that win versus the Eagles feels pretty damn meaningless at this point. Dwayne Haskins has almost zero ability to get downfield through the air. Their offense is based around Antonio Gibson, who sounds more like a sleezy jazz musician than a running back.
25: Jacksonville Jaguars
The Gardner Minshew thing was cute and all but dude is a backup in the NFL who retires after six years to find himself, drives a van across the country while doing endless amounts of peyote, then resurfacing 8 years later as a quarterbacks coach at some backwater college like Tulane.
26: Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings managed to lose a game in which their running back went for 181 rushing yards, and they had a wide receiver who caught seven receptions for 175 yards. This team looked on in envy of the Cowboys defense as they brought in a bunch of convicts, and the Vikings could only manage to get the people in the Elmo costumes at Time Square to play cornerback for them.
27: Cincinnati Bengals
So I know this isn’t the main complaint from how this game ended, but if you are the Bengals, why not just go for a bunch of laterals. What’s the worse that was going to happen? They were going to lose? How heart breaking it would have been…
28: Denver Broncos
You signed Blake Bortles this week. Be happy there are four teams worse than you.
29: New York Giants
Last year, New York publications were tripping over themselves to nickname Giants QB Daniel Jones as “Danny Dimes.” This year, they are on their radio stations, speaking in their terrible accents about tanking the rest of the season to draft Trevor Lawrence. If only the Giants had listened to pretty much literally everyone who said Jones was a terrible draft pick on draft night. Nobody even second guessed the pick. They all first guessed it as a bad idea.
30: Atlanta Falcons
Dan Quinn should have been fired before he got off the field. It would have been epic. Arthur Blank on his birthday, calling down to the field to fire Quinn after becoming the first team in NFL history to crap the bed in the way that they did. Stunningly, as I write this on Monday night, the entire Falcons staff still has their jobs. Quinn would literally have to set a Home Depot on fire while high on meth and firing klan outfits out of a t shirt cannon to lose his job this year.
2777: Being Jeffrey Epstein’s cell mate.
7590: New York Jets
It’s almost hard to describe how much joy it brings me to see Adam Gase fail. This has to be his last real shot as an NFL head coach. This guy is destined to be calling plays as offensive coordinator for Gardner Minshew and the Cleveland Browns in like three years.
348,983: Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles should be kicked out of the NFL for that horse shit at the end of the game on Sunday. Let a team like Southern Mississippi or Louisiana Tech play the rest of the season for them. Maybe one of those teams will grow a set of balls. The Eagles were so afraid of losing on a hail mary to the Bengals that they opted to punt with 14 seconds left at the end of overtime. What was the worst thing that could happen? They throw a hail mary, it gets slapped down, and the Bengals have five seconds and no timeouts to either try a 60 yard field goal or go for a hail mary of their own. Like, holy hell, is this better? Doug Pederson, does it feel good inside to be this universally mocked for being such an expired ranch dressing in a tube sock of a coach?
Fancy Boys Club 