The things that didn’t make John Bolton’s new book

Former national security advisor John Bolton and his boss as fuck mustache are back in the news now that his book, The Room Where It Happened, is getting close to being published. Bolton, who refused to testify in the House impeachment proceedings and was blocked by senate republicans from testifying, has been attacked by President Trump by allegedly revealing classified information as well as just spilling some fun tea, like revealing that the most powerful man in the world believed Finland was part of Russia.

What people don’t know is that it was much worse.

We here at Fancy Boys Club obtained a first draft of the book and were stunned to see some of the things that will not make the printed release of The Room Where It Happened. Here are some of the details:

  • In his first meeting with Trump, Bolton revealed a conversation where the President asked to be briefed on Yakutsk and it’s dangerous relationship with Kamchatka. Bolton quickly realized the President was looking at a game of Risk which had been left over from the Obama administration.
  • President Trump apparently has hired spies on all of his children, including one confidant whose sole job to ask Ivanka what her sexual preferences are with her husband, Jared Kushner. According to the report, the Trump daughter liked it, “over very quickly and being able to call out another man’s name, it didn’t matter who, just please, dear god, any other man’s name.”
  • The president was disappointed to learn that the “nuclear football” was just a briefcase and not an actual football filled with uranium. Apparently, people could hear Trump yell from the Oval Office, “It’s not even one of those football phones that I got with the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated?”
  • President Trump was very stunned about the amount of influence African-Americans had in the founding of the country, but only because he was confused after listening to a recap of a secret service member who had seen Hamilton the night prior.
  • At one point in early 2018, President Trump attempted to grow “the best, most presidential beard of all time” only to quit after it looked “weak and patchy”. He was jealous over son’s Barron’s facial hair that the youngest Trump child has not been seen for months.
  • During the government shutdown, President Trump made news when he treated NCAA Champions Clemson to a massive dinner of entirely fast food when they visited the White House. In truth, that was Trump’s regular meal and he had forgotten he was receiving visitors. He was bummed about sharing.
  • Mike Pence is a robot from Skynet.

The Room Where It Happened will be released soon, unless John Bolton and publishers Simon & Schuster are all thrown in prison.

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