Brandon Solves the Internet 6/15 Edition

Hey guys, the world is falling apart, the second wave of Coronavirus didn’t have to wait until winter because people in Texas and Florida can’t stop coughing on eachother, and i’m hungover. Let’s get to the questions!

Is it wrong to call fresh water food you eat “seafood?” -Kevin

As a noted stickler for grammar and someone who flies off the handle because there are still grown ass adults who don’t know when to use there, their, they’re, I think that anyone who calls fresh water fish “seafood” should be launched into outer space on one of those rockets Elon Musk makes that keep blowing up.
I’m wondering if this might be a regional thing, and by regional, I of course mean wherever a Long John Silvers is the only place to eat fish in your area. Back when they had a stranglehold on deep frying fish into oblivion, everything on their menu was called seafood, even though 90 percent of it was probably Carp. If you are living in North Kakalacky or wherever and your only reference to eating fish is either the Filet O’ Fish from noted irish restaurant McDonalds or deep fried fish bricks from Long John Silvers, then everything is seafood. It doesn’t really matter that the fish you are eating was dredged out of the swamp at the bottom of a dam at a power plant.
Also, fuck Red Lobster for eternity for their role in this. They are lucky that the go-to joke about fine dining for yokels is Olive Garden instead of them, and they know it. Your biscuits can’t save you.

Why do you cook bacon but bake cookies? -Bryce

My dad bakes bacon! He does it because it’s easier and less effort, but then you are left with either sad, flaccid bacon, or crispy but flavorless bacon but still ungodly amounts of fat. The reason you fry bacon is because bacon fat is pure heaven and you are literally cooking the meat in it’s own fat. That gives it the flavor!
Also, have you ever fried cookie dough in bacon fat? It is the apex of fat guy cooking. None of us are going to survive 2020 anyway. No time to worry about calorie counting.

Why do you drive on a parkway and drive on a parkway? -Bob

I’M STARTING TO THINK YOU GUYS AREN’T TAKING THIS SERIOUISLY!

Was the Nickelodeon show The Angry Beavers about two beavers or was it originally about two lesbians living by a river? -Kohle

No, but maybe, but I don’t think so. But I wouldn’t put it past the brain trust here. Mitch Schauer, the creator of the show, said that the show was inspired by him being homeless when he was younger and literally seeing beavers down by the river. He also worked on shows like Ren & Stimpy and Rocco’s Modern Life, both of which were noted for slyly putting in cultural references into their shows.
Now I’m not saying that The Angry Beavers is a reference to anything else, but their noses are different colors in the show, but both colors show up pretty closely to colors associated with lipstick lesbians, one of the more glamorous subsets of the LGBTQ community. Soooo….there’s a chance?

Should I sell my Bowman or rip it? -Paco

Only if you sold the Mosaic! The amount of money you have spent on sports cards recently has both of us from ten years ago extremely jealous. Oh, only one of you understands this? I didn’t tell you to read!

Is a bow and arrow effective against internet trolls? -Rick

No, only the threat of losing their virginity is effective against internet trolls.

What’s your favorite take out pizza, and why is it Jets? -Christina

Christina, it should be noted, has only had Jets pizza one time ever so this is a…you know what, I sleep in the same bed as her, so i’m just gonna go ahead and power through, here.
Here are my take out pizza rankings..

1: Lou Malnatis. I eat other pizza so I can think about how great Lou Malnati’s is. When I die, just bury me next to a Lou’s and i’ll be pretty fine with that.

2: Little Caesars. I personally don’t think it deserves to be this high, but co-founder Matt loves the pizza chain so much that he insisted on it being listed in the top two.

3: Jets Pizza. The crunchiness they get on the crust cannot be beat. I got one with buffalo wing sauce and chicken and holy hell, it was spectacular.

36: Pizza Hut. GO BACK TO GIVING ME FREE PERSONAL PIZZAS FOR READING BOOKS, YOU BASTARDS.

81: Papa Johns. Listen you schmucks, you aren’t reinventing any wheels with your stupid Dr. Moreau tactics on your menu. A pizza folded in half is a pizza taco, not a pizza quesadilla, and you don’t even use the right crust, you reprobates. I’m not sure what ad agency stole your money to give you the name “papadias” but you aren’t fooling anyone. You made a panini, jerk asses.

392: Getting your genitals nailed to a wind mill.

393: Cicis Pizza.

When are those two dudes from Wrestling Talk and Randomness going to finally fuck? -Noel

I assumed you guys were saving that for the season finale. Also, everyone should go to Facebook right now and like the “Wrestling Talk and Randomness” page. They are just two wrestling enthusiasts who are eventually and inevitably gonna fuck. Also, when the hell are you guys gonna have me on the show? I’m the only person you guys know that ever has anything to promote!

What are your thoughts on China’s terror bill? -Andrew

So, full stop, China scares the piss out of me. Before 2020 decided to come and just kick everyone straight in the shaft, some of you might remember that the NBA nearly started a full on war between China and Hong Kong/The USA because Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey tweeted a defense of Hong Kong.
First, a quick history lesson for those that aren’t aware. Hong Kong used to be under British rule back when Britain thought they could just show up and take whatever land they wanted. In 1997, they transferred power over to China. Hong Kong continued to have their own economy and government. The two countries had very different laws, and that’s where the issue is devolving.
Hong Kong likes it’s level of independence and the financial security it has built. China wants it’s hands on it. Realizing that nobody is going to start a war with China and Hong Kong being woefully outmanned if they try to fight, China has decided to start pushing Hong Kong around like a school yard bully. The combination of them coming for what they have decided is theirs, along with the timing of the Coronavirus has led them to become a brutal bunch of prolapsed anuses.
Specifically, they are putting anyone that disagrees with them in jail for weeks at a time without actually charging them with anything. They are doing this for the specific purpose of intimidation. China also controls their media and is able to silence anyone they want for dissonance. China also controls every other aspect of their people, all the way to the point where they have control over all patents for the purpose of being able to use anything they want for military purposes.
Anyway, Hong Kong is fighting back as best as possible, trying to keep their autonomy. They are protesting all the time and doing everything they can to stem the inevitable tide of China coming in and slapping them around, but the whole thing feels very futile. China is a monolith that could start seizing countries with very little recourse from anyone. It’s some scary, next level shit with China.

Who is the athletic wonder of our time and why is it Bartolo Colon? -Dave

I mean, you answered your own question. It is absolutely Bartolo Colon. Nobody can tell me anything that will make me believe he weighed under 350 pounds during his last couple seasons. I mean, look at this guy!

It took him six minutes to round the bases in a full trot! It truly is magical to watch. His baseball reference page has him listed at 285 pounds, which is the most insane thing i’ve ever heard. What’s even more insane is that Colon pitched in the majors for 21 years! And he still says he can pitch! He’s 47 and is shaped like a bunch of pumpkins stacked on top of each other. I hope he plays forever. He gives hope to fat guys like me.

What’s up with extremely targeted t-shirts on facebook? Who is buying these? “Yes I’m the world’s greatest grandpa, a trout fisherman, and I discovered the truest form of love & friendship in Singapore AND I VOTE” -Dave

“Yes i’m the worlds greatest grandpa, a trout fisherman, and I discovered the truest form of love & friendship in Singapore AND I VOTE” is actually a really popular line to say on MAGA Tinder. Facebook has done something with their targeted marketing and it’s seriously not working right. I’ve come to terms with the face that i’m being watched and listened to at all times. When I was in the market for a new car, you better believe that I was getting car dealerships up and down my news feed, even though i’d never even searched for a car up to that point.
Now? I am almost exclusively getting ads for Maseratis and Steak N Shake franchising opportunities. Like, how hard is FB misjudging me if they think I can afford a Maserati? I feel guilty just looking directly at one. And if I was starting a food franchise, i’m not sure Steak N Shake would be the one i’d have at the top of my list. The sullen looks on the employees faces whenever I go there makes me not want to own that. I need the fake smiles like the people of Panera bread. Now that is a business that knows how to force their employees to pretend to want to be there!

What is your classic rock Mount Rushmore? (4 genre defining bands/artists) -Jake

OH HELL YEA! FROM GEO POLITICS TO PIZZA TO MY SWEET SPOT! I’ve thought about this question for 17 hours. Now, the obvious answer for this answer is to point out that this is not only the greatest song of all time, but also the greatest piece of art ever made in the history of mankind.

Now, since the ol’ Speedwagon is in a class by itself, i’ll judge the music of mere mortals. Also, I need to abide a bit by the question. Jake didn’t ask me for my four favorite classic rock bands. He asked for the Mt. Rushmore of genre defining bands. Also, suppose I need to establish where classic rock goes til. Ill write an entire article brow beating people later, but i’m currently putting the cut of at 1995. That means that the band has to have had it’s most success before that point. I’m not one of these viagra taking goons who says that there is no classic rock after 1980, or whatever they scream at the internet.

So with that out of the way, here is my Mt. Rushmore of genre defining bands/artists.

The Ramones-Yes, i’m aware that some of you boners are gonna claim that it was The Clash that were the punk rock pioneers. That’s horse shit and you know it. In their documentary “End of the Century” every punk musician of that era in England was on to talk about how after The Ramones came to England and played, they all went and started bands. That includes The Clash and the Sex Pistols. That’s how genre defining The Ramones were: other bands who were thought to be genre definers openly let their music style be defined by The Ramones.
The Ramones will always be one of the most influential bands of all time in any capacity. They were one of the bands that influenced another band that is going to be on this list. They were never huge, but they always mattered.
You can argue that Patty Smith and the New York Dolls were doing their thing first, but Patty Smith was doing something different and the New York Dolls sucked.

Metallica-Yes, Metallica was heavily influenced by The Ramones. But then Metallica went and made ear shattering music, and completely changed rock and roll. Remember, the 80’s rock and roll scene was a lot of guys dressed in makeup playing a very specific type of music. Then there was Metallica, Motorhead, Pantera, Megadeth, and a host of others making heavy metal that resonated with music fans who weren’t into that LA Glam Rock scene. Even though their music has been pretty much butt cheeks for decades, they are the first step in the music evolution that would eventually give us grunge rock.

Prince-He’s fucking Prince.

Hootie and the Blowfish-DON’T @ ME.

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