Give Me Power

There is no good reason to vote for Biden. I’ve read the arguments, and I’ve been trying to find one that exists within a moral framework, but it doesn’t exist. Biden is a shitbag ’90s Republican and Republicans are, at best, amoral.

There is reason to vote for Biden; he is not Trump. The end. “Biden is not Trump” is not a good reason to vote for someone, it is just a reason. Stop trying to convince me there is anything behind a vote for Biden aside from that. He has no policy positions that I can support, because he has no policies at all. Feel free to argue that he does — he has a website with some on it — but for fuck’s sake, he has a history, we know what that is, and it’s shit. Should he become President, he will continue to be shit. He’s as corrupt as everyone else, he’s a patriarchal moron, and he will absolutely cave to the Republicans at every opportunity. If you can’t see that, you haven’t been paying attention.

Biden being the nominee is an admission of guilt from the Democratic Party. They want Biden because he will be a continuation of the system that fucks the rest of us over, but, unlike Trump, he’ll appear benign enough to fuck us over in the way that we’re used to, a way that we don’t really have to pay attention to. Obama was a great president for the Democratic Party because most of us trusted him to make a reasonable decision and we could go about our day with confidence that we won’t suddenly explode, even as he quietly fucked us over. Naturally, it was that naive belief that led to us suddenly exploding in the form of Trump’s election.

The choice in 2020 is between varying degrees of fucking people over and there is no morality in a negotiation between a shitload of people being kept in cages and fewer people being kept in cages.

The rebuttal to that is an appeal to utilitarianism, but that doesn’t make sense. Utilitarianism presupposes knowledge of the future. Imagine Biden becomes president and executes watered down, half-assed versions of policies that would be a net positive over Trump, then what happens? That watered down bullshit was called tyrannical when Obama did it. Does anyone think that will stop when Biden is president?

If Biden becomes president, he will be blamed by the right for everything that Trump did. They will insist that he created Covid19 and, for good measure, Covids 1 through 18. They will lie and lie and lie and he will cave. His disaster of a presidency will only lead to a worse right-wing leader than Trump — one who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing. Imagine the nightmare of a competent Trumpist.

Imagine Trump is reelected. The most likely outcome is that he will shred this country and turn it into a kleptocratic oligarchy. We’ve lived in a kleptocratic oligarchy since Reagan, having it out in the open might be a relief. At least we’re finally being honest with ourselves. If both the lower and middle class are fucked equally, maybe we’ll finally get the alliance between the two that hasn’t existed since FDR.

Furthermore, if Trump loses this election, it’s entirely possible the right-wing machine will simply deny it and the Supreme Court will somehow invalidate the election and yadayadayada we’re fucked.

But if Trump wins, then the vast majority of Republican voters will accept the two-term limit. Somehow that’s become a fundamental value. It’s possible Trump will have destroyed America so thoroughly even conservatives will lose confidence in him and we’ll finally be able to elect a president with the resolve and capability to do some good.

Or imagine Trump is reelected and manages to turn himself into a dictator and stays in office until he’s brutally deposed by someone. Or he starts a world war. Or he starts a civil war. Or he just starts executing people in the streets.

Or imagine Biden becomes president and the right starts a civil war that turns into a world war. Or, because he’s a corporate piece of shit, he won’t do anything about climate change and we’ll be functionally doomed regardless.

Or imagine there’s some other disaster both governments were incapable of dealing with effectively. The Covid19 situation has absolutely destroyed any faith in Republican or Democrat leadership.

What’s the utilitarian argument here? Things will be slightly better in the short term and then much worse in the long term? In some situations, it makes more utilitarian sense — i.e., fewer people die in the long term — to reelect Trump. In other situations, it makes more utilitarian sense to vote for Biden.

Utilitarianism is stupid because no one has any idea what happens when a variable is introduced to a system as complex as the one we live in.

The only reason you’re voting for Biden is because you don’t want to vote for Trump.

I have a different solution.

Make me supreme dictator. I’ll be great at it.

First, the United States government is non-functional and most Congresspersons should be in prison, at least 3 Supreme Court Justices should be in prison, and every person involved with the Executive branch should be in prison, period. That cannot happen in the system we exist in because it looks bad to imprison your political opponents. But in a dictatorship led by me, that is totally normal.

If I were dictator, think about what would happen if a senator profited off an outbreak using their privileged position? I would immediately put them in jail, even if what they did was not technically illegal. I’m awesome like that. And imprisoning those corrupt motherfuckers is a very bipartisan position.

Second, every single billionaire should be stripped of their wealth and most should be stripped of their freedom. Their hoarded wealth itself is a crime and if I were your dictator, I would do it day one. I hate the rich so, so much, but I don’t want to chop their heads off, so we don’t need to worry about a redux of the French Revolution, which is also a positive because Les Mis fucking sucks. We don’t need another one.

If I were dictator, I would redistribute their wealth in as fair a manner as possible, beginning with a commitment to elevating all women to equal status, then reparations for literally every crime the United States has committed, of which there are countless. Obviously reparations for slavery and the genocide of the first nations, but also part of those reparations would include our foreign policy crimes, and I would give all of of America’s war criminals to the Hague to be done with as justly as possible.

Finally, America is ready for a dictator. It’s time to end the pretense of democracy we live under. Didn’t we elect Obama because he was a brilliant speaker that appeared to be a great leader and, though his slogan was “Yes We Can”, didn’t we want him to do everything for us? With his massive congressional majority, didn’t we expect him to look at the problems and with a stroke of his pen end them? We wanted him to take care of it, and therefore us. End guantanamo, end oppression, end racism, end all of the bullshit that every president from Reagan to W. (and as we discovered, Obama too) had subjected my generation to?

In your heart, don’t you want Bernie to do the same thing?

And the hard right already elected Trump because they want a dictator. The right wing propaganda factories claimed Obama was a dictator so much and so often they forgot they hated dictators and decided they just wanted a dictator of their own.

But Obama believed in democracy and Trump is too stupid, so they could not fulfill their promises.

Because of this, I am officially campaigning to become Supreme Dictator of the United States. I obviously have the best policies in the field, I am honest about wanting to act unilaterally with no regard for the Constitution, and I am the only person insane enough to do it.

If we continue down the path we’re on, we will inevitably have a dictator. I propose we be proactive and get a good dictator — me — while we still have the chance. If we are too slow to act, I promise you, we are fucked.

If we just keep doing the same thing, voting for the lesser of two evils, we are only ever going to get evil. So fuck every one of these candidates. Fuck congress. Fuck the Supreme Court.

Give me the job. I will fix it for you.

Everyone who is going to vote for Biden knows one thing, whether they admit it or not, Biden isn’t enough.

The way I see it, the left has a chance to shut the fuck up about everything and unite behind one core principle — mine being instantly and comprehensively elevating women’s status to equal — butif we don’t seize it, we will inevitably get a dictator. So if we’re destined to fail playing the lesser of two evils game, let’s change it.

Give me complete and total power. I’ll crush it.

Jordan Holmes is a Chicago comedian and co-host of Knowledge Fight, a podcast devoted to Alex Jones and Infowars. This article was originally posted to his Medium and is re-posted with his permission. Follow Jordan on Twitter @gotobedjordan, and just love him because he’s a sweet guy.

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