Welcome everybody to the new frontier of the NFL, everyone! Tonight, we are standing on the edge of history, as a bunch of old white men are going to spend the next three days attempting to figure out technology and try and (in some cases) wildly fail to get out of their own way long enough to try not to screw up their entire draft via Zoom! Truly, we are looking at the halcyon days of sport! I’ll be here all night live blogging the draft, and just maybe i’ll have the help of some of my football friends to talk about it as well. Keep checking in all night!
Brandon Andreasen, 12:22 PM: Todd McShay has announced that he is going to miss the NFL Draft tonight because he is recovering from Coronavirus. This is a direct hit to the draft as McShay is the smart, resourceful Yin to the robust, hairy, says whatever he wants because it might go viral Mel Kiper. Really hoping for the best for Todd as he recovers from the pandemic. The NFL is surely looking at this as a little bit too close to home as they start a draft tonight that they had numerous opportunities to change the date of, but went ahead with it anyway, because hubris is a real mother fucker.
Brandon Andreasen, 4:37 PM: Mitch “Kissin’ Titties” Trubisky announced on Chase Daniel’s podcast that he has cleared himself after shoulder surgery and is ready to go. That is thrilling for Bears fans anticipating a thrilling quarterback battle between him and Nick “Horse Dick” Foles. I haven’t been less excited about something since the last time my doctor called me to talk about me “not taking my gout seriously.
Brandon Andreasen, 4:52 PM: Reports are that Bill O’Brien is trying to trade into the first round. Someone like the Chargers is gonna call and make a fuck around trade and end up with Deshaun Watson, meaning that they will have, by proxy, traded Watson for Laremy Tunsill. It isn’t a joke when Bill O’Brien is involved. Everything is in play.
Brandon Andreasen, 5:06 PM: An early thought. The Cowboys are gonna be the biggest wild card in this draft. Jerry Jones has already said he doesn’t want to hear from his scouts. He is going it alone. The scotch is ready! The hookers are on the ready! Jerry Jones is gonna have himself one tonight!
Brandon Andreasen, 5:18 PM: The Dolphins have three first round picks, and fourteen total picks in this draft, and somehow, barring a miracle, they are still not going to come away with the franchise quarterback in this draft. They messed up their tank so hard, you’d swear it came directly from the plot of Major League. They can probably draft Tua if they were so inclined, but this feels like a Blaine Gabbert kind of night, meaning they will most likely draft Justin Herbert, who will be quarterbacking the Des Moines Corn Assassins in the next XFL reboot in a few years.
Brandon Andreasen, 5:22 PM: The Dolphins and Jaguars have both been making googly eyes and blowing kisses to the Lions in an attempt to get up to the third spot, with both suspected of trying to get a top offensive lineman. I hope this works, because watching the Lions screw up a regular draft is fun. Watching them fuck up one where they actively traded back for more picks and more bites at the fucked up draft pie is just thrilling for me.
Brandon Andreasen, 5:50 PM: While we wait to get going, just thought i’d tell you how i’m holding up tonight. I’m actually doing this from work. Last night, my supervisor was threatened by an employee and I gave her tonight off so she could relax, leaving me to run the second shift on my own. Then, this morning my first shift supervisor said her stress level had maxed out and she needed a day off, so she is getting tomorrow off. That means I get off of work at 10:30 PM tonight, and then get to turn around and open the building at 5am tomorrow. Hooray for being essential!
Brandon Andreasen, 6:15 PM: I’m really disappointed by how professional ESPN is trying to look tonight. Let Booger Macfarland do this in a giant onesie. I want Louis Riddick in a track suit in a closed Dave and Busters. This is a pandemic people, can we at least act like it!
Brandon Andreasen, 6:19 PM: The Bengals have already sent Bengals jerseys to Joe Burrows and are locked in on him. My condolences to the Burrows family. The Redskins are also telling teams that they have made their decision and they do not plan on trading. Chase Young is going to be an absolute monster in that Ron Rivera defense. That’s what I want out of my drafts: the best offensive player and the best defensive player in college going 1/2. I don’t need any of this centerpiece offensive lineman crap. This is the Madden generation, baby. Give us our razzle dazzle!
Brandon Andreasen, 6:30 PM: Roger Goodell dressed for this draft the same way I do when I have to go to my parents and I know there is going to be bad news. I doubt Goodell has the same inner monologue as me though, because i’m mostly just thinking “how did I get too fat for every shirt I own other than my wrestling shirts?”
Also, Roger is such a mealy mouthed nothing of a commissioner that he keeps giving answers that Wonder bread would consider bland. Correct, commish, there are a lot of unknowns. Thanks for giving us an intimate look into the mind of one of the most powerful men in the country, you chicken fried rube.
Brandon Andreasen, 6:40 PM: Since it’s assumed Jerry Jones will be drunk for this and he is saying he is the only decision maker, i’m going to go ahead and lay some early odds on how this plays out.
Accidently has hooker in shot as he makes pick on Zoom: 8 to 1
Accidently has six hookers in shot as he makes pick on Zoom: 4 to 1
Johnny Manziel: 18 to 1
Inexplicable trade that Ed Werder instantly goes online to defend: 7 to 1
The exact trade he made in a 1996 episode of Coach where he got the number one pick by trading a bunch of oil Derricks. 5 to 1
Chase Young, even though he was drafted nearly 3 hours prior: 22 to 1
Just sobs and murmurs “Leon Lett” over and over until he falls asleep and their time runs out: 7 to 1
Brandon Andreasen, 6:43 PM: Ok, this could be genuinely fun. They were just showing Isaiah Simmons draft living room and everyone was on their phone looking casual, then out of nowhere, a woman in a black ball gown entered from back left of the screen. There is no way we aren’t seeing something explicit tonight. Come on, Jerry Jeudy, have everyone in your draft party be topless! ESPN is already allowing the word Fuck to be said on their Bulls documentary. Celebratory boob is the logical next step.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:00 PM: If you are on Twitter, head over to @fballabsurdity to see a thorough mocking of every pick by my buddies who I sometimes I write for.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:01 PM: Michael Irvin just said we have great diversity in wide receivers this year. We have tall receivers and fast receivers..and then he just trailed off. Great insight Mike, you definitely aren’t high as balls right now.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:06 PM: How dare you have the audacity not to pump in boos to Roger Goodell from his home. BTW, all wood everything is the least shocking thing I would have imagined about his house….wait a fucking minute. Goodell is wearing something different from when he was being interviewed by Trey Wingo like an hour ago. Did he take off his “we are all in this together” sweater, and put on his “I’m here for casual business” blazer?
Brandon Andreasen, 7:12 PM: Ah, so Bernard from Westworld is now trying to sell me a Dell? I’m currently working on a heavily used laptop I purchased for 50 bucks from a middle school that had upgraded their equipment. I have a brand new one at home. I don’t use that one because Dell makes the most horseshit laptops. They make Chromebooks look like full on gaming rigs. They have that new form of Windows software that either makes you use Microsoft Edge, the Nickelback of internet browsing, or deactivate your security in the computer permanently to download a batter internet browser. Spoiler alert, their computers are hot garbage regardless. Fuck Dell.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:18 PM: Roger Goodell says he is going to miss the hugs but they will be creative. I really, from the bottom of my heart, hope that he sent a cardboard cut out of himself to every potential draft pick.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:19 PM: Man, Joe Burrow looks so resigned to his fate that he didn’t even invite anyone over. He looks like nobody asked him to prom and his parents said to him “don’t worry bud, you can have a rockin’ time tonight with your mom and I.”
Brandon Andreasen, 7:20 PM: Mel Kiper’s head is shaped like a light bulb and I can’t stop staring at it. Also, is the NFL letting Cincinnati use the entire 10 minutes? This draft is gonna go until sunrise if they let this go on.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:23 PM: Is it just me, or does Michael Irvin say team weird? It sounds like he is saying team the way Vince Vaughn says “cheeeese” in Old School.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:28 PM: The only true joy i’m going to get out of tonight is watching that bowl of M&Ms on Roger Goodell’s desk go down in the same way the scotch on Michael Jordan’s side table went down during the first two episodes of Last Dance. Also, is that the least enthused anyone has been about being drafted first since Eli Manning was drafted first by the Chargers in 2004?
Brandon Andreasen,7:36 PM: Wow, ESPN, you guys really went out of your way to shoe horn the Maryland connection between Washington’s last two first round picks into your coverage. They actually said “There is a definite trend here.” It’s not even the same people drafting from last year, you goons.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:39 PM: Those are some very tasteful balloons, Jeff Okudah. Very tasteful.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:48 PM: The Giants are gonna draft someone gritty, I can feel it.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:49 PM: Joe Judge, the Giants coach, is very obviously drafting from the set of a porno. There is a threesome happening just off screen.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:51 PM: The Giants went safe with Andrew Thomas, which is incredibly disappointing. But at least now it’s Miami time. Come on Dolphins, you are going to do the wrong thing! I can feel it.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:52 PM: The just showed Giants General Manager Dave Gettleman sitting by himself in a very lonely looking room, putting on a mask. That’s not how this works, Dave. You aren’t getting anyone sick through your computer screen…unless he ALSO has a porno being shot just off screen.
Brandon Andreasen, 7:54 PM: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Shams Charania, an NBA insider just broke the news that the Dolphins were drafting Tua with the fifth pick. That is goddamn fantastic. Football fans on twitter currently have their various undergarments in a twist over this. Not even Adrian Wojnarowski was this big of a dick!
Brandon Andreasen, 7:57 PM: As funny as it would be to me for the Chargers to horrifyingly overdraft someone with the sixth pick in the draft, it would be even funnier to go into next season with their quarterback room just being Tyrod Taylor and Easton Stick. No, I didn’t make that last name up. It’s a real person!
Brandon Andreasen, 8:20 PM: They did it! Those glorious idiots did it! Justin Herbert had the sixth best QBR in college last year. Oh, i’m sorry, I misspoke. He had the 6th best QBR in the Pac 12!!! Oh my god, this is like Christmas. I was wondering if he could fall out of the first round! He didn’t make it out of the top 10. God bless you for giving us this, Chargers!
Meanwhile, the Panthers took Derrick Brown with the 7th pick. Nothing against the guy, but I genuinely believe he has the biggest bust potential of all the top 15 type defensive players in the draft. He might prove me wrong. I once thought Shea McClellin might be good. But I don’t see it. There is a bit of Andre Wadsworth to his game, and I don’t mean that in a good way.
Isaiah Simmons goes to the Cardinals at eight, and they continue to be my sneaky obsession team. I like a lot of things they are doing and I loved how well that offense came together by the end of last year. A guy like Simmons, who can play from sideline to sideline, could be a legend on a defense needing a guy like him. Simmons could be an Urlacher type. Remember, coming out of college, Brian Urlacher played safety, returned punts, and was distinguished heavily by his absolute athleticism.
Brandon Andreasen, 8:27 PM: CJ Henderson and Jedrick Wills go to the Jaguars and Browns. Thoroughly uninteresting picks. This is actually a little bit irritating in how uneventful it has been. Someone throw a pie or something!
Brandon Andreasen, 8:33 PM: Ok, i’m going back for a minute here. I need to get into Justin Herbert some more. I was on a forklift when the pick was made. Was there uproar over how bad of a pick this was? There should have been an uproar. What is this guy’s upside, less talented Matt Leinart? Wanna take a stab at the other high quarterback draft picks out of Oregon have been recently? Akili Smith. Joey Harrington. Marcus Mariota. Justin Herbert. Drew Magary referred to that group not as a series of people, but instead the warning label from a prescription bottle. I’d go one step further. Those names are the warning signs they put on dangerous dogs at the pound.
Brandon Andreasen: 8:45 PM: The Raiders took the fastest receiver in the draft? I’m shocked! The ghost of Al Davis runs this team! Also, Henry Ruggs is dressed like Dave Chappelle during the “Please the fifth” bit.
Brandon Andreasen, 8:48 PM: We finally have a trade! The Bucs have traded up from….14 to 13. The 49ers are officially the kings of conning teams directly behind them into trading up one spot for their pick. What kind of jedi mind trick shit is that?
Brandon Andreasen, 8:50 PM: There is a margarita under that Bucs helmet, Bruce Arians. You aren’t fooling anyone. If i’m the Buccaneers, i’m trading up just to draft Kole Kmet just for the absolute hell of it. What? You don’t think we are gonna try to run four tight end sets? We’ll show you!!
Brandon Andreasen, 9:03 PM: Shout out to the girl in Javon Kinlaw’s house keeping the riff raff out of the shot! That’s some serious Boss Bitch energy right there, and i’m here for it!
Brandon Andreasen, 9:05 PM: The whole energy at the Kinlaw house right now is what we all need to strive to be.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:07 PM: The Broncos drafted Jerry Jeudy, which is cool and all. But it’s super amusing that the NFL couldn’t get enough Broncos fans to fill their zoom fan screen behind Roger Goodell while he announced the pick. That’s not a great sign. Even during a stay at home order during a pandemic, the NFL couldn’t find enough people willing to casually cheer on a webcam.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:10 PM: NFL Execs: “We really need some great music for this. Everyone is going to be watching us and we really want to
show that even during these trying times, we are hip, we are cool, we are edgy, we are the most important thing going on right now.
I’ve got it. That Lenny Kravitz song from 1995!”
Brandon Andreasen, 9:16 PM: Jerry Jones is drafting from a high end swingers lounge on the Death Star.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:20 PM: Oh, for the love of shit, Mike McCarthy, back the hell up off your webcam. This isn’t Chatroullete. BTW, as he gets older, McCarthy looks more and more like Gerry Girgich from Parks and Recreation. Anyway, they drafted CeeDee Lamb, who I think is going to be the best wide receiver in the draft this year. Dude is a monster. If you don’t think Jalen Hurts can be a quarterback in the NFL, then you have to respect this guy’s play making ability even more. He lands in a great spot, where he will be a big play number two receiver, with Amari Cooper filling the role of veteran who drops the ball every fifth time it’s thrown to him.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:32 PM: This draft needs more of Brian Flores’ kids.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:34 PM: The Vegas Raiders are getting another shot at the 2020 draft. That is, if the mayor of that town doesn’t get everyone killed. And then, with the 19th pick, the Raiders took a guy who was being drafted by the Bears in the middle of the second round in a lot of mock drafts. Well done, Jon Gruden. Your reputation got you 100 million, and you are showing how little you really deserve it!
Brandon Andreasen, 9:44 PM: Those books in Doug Marrone’s office are all rentals, and he currently has all of his old copies of Hustler and Perfcet 10 sitting in piles just outside of the shot. As soon as this is over, they will be put back on the shelf where they belong.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:45 PM: And that sound you hear is a moving truck showing up at Alshon Jeffry’s house, because his Eagles career is over. Jalen Reagor could be great in that Eagles offense. And by that, I mean he will be the only competent receiver in that offense. Enjoy over drafting JJ Artega-Whiteside in fantasy next year.
Brandon Andreasen, 9:58 PM: I take back the nice things I said about the Eagles. How in the unholy shit do you decide Jalen Reagor is a better player than Justin Jefferson? I thought Jefferson was off the board already. Holy crap, Eagles. Every year you guys manage to fuck up your wide receiver drafting. The Vikings, meanwhile, turn Stephon Diggs, who didn’t want to be there in the first place, into Justin Jefferson, who could be a great receiver in an offense like the one Minnesota is running.
Brandon Andreasen, 10:03 PM: You know, with everything going on these days, we really needed a sense of normal. Something to remind us things would get back to the way they were. And then, the Patriots traded out of the first round and everything felt right again. Anyway, I like Kenneth Murray a lot but that doesn’t change the fact that they fisted their own draft by taking Justin Herbert.
Brandon Andreasen, 10:28 PM: The Packers trade up to draft….Jordan Love, QB from Utah State? The Packers need to really love Love because, not only did they trade up to get him, but with the way Aaron Rodgers’ salary is set up, they can’t get rid of him for two seasons unless they want to leave an Armageddon sized crater in their salary cap. Curious move, especially with a few playmakers on defense still on the board.
Brandon Andreasen, 11:10 PM And with the final pick of the first round, the Chiefs take Clyde Edwards-Helaire, running back for the Chiefs. He had 55 receptions last year, and is a young, fast weapon for the juggernaut that is the Chiefs offense.
And with that, the first round is over and I can go to bed. Real quick though, here is what I thought of the first round.
Best Pick: Tie, Mekhi Becton at 11 to the Jets/Justin Jefferson at 22 to the Vikings
Worst Pick: Justin Herbert at 6 to the Chargers
You realize the way you structured Aaron Rodgers contract, you can’t get rid of him for 2 years pick: Jordan Love
Best Player Still Available: Jonathon Taylor, Running Back, Wisconsin
Best Dressed: Henry Ruggs III. Wearing a bathrobe to your draft party is serious BDE.