Welcome to the first installment of Fancy Boys Club Poll, where we ask the hard-hitting questions that America, nay, the world need to know the answers to. At the end of this blog, we’ll explain how to cast your vote. And we want as many of you to vote as possible because, unlike states trying to implement racist voter identification laws, we truly care about what everyone has to say.
This week’s question: Should a person who is legally drunk be allowed to vote?
Our editor and co-founder Matt Drufke explains:
On Monday, I was not feeling great, so I took yesterday off of work. I do this because I’m a saint of a person and an excellent worker who cares about the well- being of my co-workers. After a lengthy morning nap on Tuesday morning, I was feeling better, so I decided to go and participate in early voting, because I’m also a super-patriotic American.
I’m really something amazing. Please tell my wife. Also, subscribe to Fancy Boys Club Podcast and listen to “Dinner With The Drufkes”.
Anyways, I’m at the polling place and I’m the only person in there with the seven election judges, so I do what I always do around strangers: I get a little chatty. So, I asked a question: Is there any reason that would make you stop a registered voter from participating in the American democratic process?
All of these judges (and I want to point out, I’m super-grateful for everyone who chooses to sit in a room for hours at a time allowing people to vote and, almost certainly, having to deal with a lot of stupid questions from stupid people, including mine) told me the same thing: if someone is registered to vote, there is, literally, no reason that they shouldn’t be able to vote.
I don’t know how this thought came in my head, but it dead, so I asked it: “What if someone is legally drunk?”
One man asked me to elaborate and create a scenario. I don’t know that I’ve ever loved a man more.
Here’s what I came up with: Let’s say that a person threw up outside of the polling place and staggered their way up to the check-in desk. Their eyes are bloodshot. Their speech is slurred. How do you know their speech is slurred? Because the first words out of their mouths are, “I’m pretty drunk right now.”
Should this person be allowed to vote?
According to the judges, yes. So long as this person is registered, they have no choice but to allow this person to cast their vote, though most of the judges also did say that they would also call the police.
I’ve spent about twelve hours thinking about this question, and, if I’m being honest, I’m not so sure.
Should a drunk be able to vote? I honestly don’t know.
On one side, I imagine that it would be easy for smart people to get votes from drunks removed. This is entirely guessing on my part, but I imagine that if someone tried to get a mortgage or sign up for the armed forces, that even a pretty average yet charismatic lawyer (say, Denny Crane, as played by William Shatner in the hit show Boston Legal) would be able to have whatever contract they signed easily nullified. Hell, a good lawyer (say, Alan Shore, as played by James Spader in the hit show Boston Legal) could probably also sue whatever company allowed someone to enter into a contract while intoxicated and win.
On the other hand, America. And I know that sounds stupid, but maybe it is. But, if someone wants to drink half a bottle of Cuervo and go vote for Joe Biden, don’t they have the constitutional right to do so? Also, I imagine that it would be really easy for a lot of shitty dudes to claim that votes should not be counted because of people being wasted. I mean, there are people who only want white people to vote. Do we really want to give them another bullet to put in their stupid, shitty, racist gun?
Honestly, folks… I just don’t know.
So, what do you think?
Should someone who is drunk be allowed to vote?
Should you vote if you’re drunk?
Well, we’ll leave that to your discretion.