Brandon Ruins the Internet: Letters to the Editor

Fancy Boys Club co-founder Brandon Andreasen is a 35 year old in a 70 year old’s body. He doesn’t understand memes, but laughs at them because he is afraid of being exposed as old. Just for fun, he is periodically going to do his best to ruin the internet like he does in real life: long winded and factually dubious.

Today, Brandon has scoured the internet for Letters to the Editor, and is going to answer them in the only way he knows how. Obnoxiously.

First letter to the editor, from the Pharmacy magazine Elsevier

What makes a good title, and why is it so important?

Sam J. Enna, Editor-in-Chief, Pharmacology and Theraputics

That’s a great question Sam. Since we are talking pharmaceuticals, lets get into this a little bit. How do people come up with the names of the drugs that are killing us in the first place? Like, where does the name Xanax come from? Was it invented by Arthur Xanax? And why isn’t it named after what it does? There is an easy answer: nobody wants to take a pill called “YouDontFeelLikeAHumanBeingAnymore.” The entire process of drug naming is to make it sound as official and doctory as possible, and give people enough reason to say “Ya know, the name sounds official, so it’s probably fine for me.”

Tramadol sounds way more official than Vicodin Light. Viagra is super efficient when compared to what it should be called, Old Man Boner Pill. The pharmaceutical industry is just like every other industry in this godforsaken world: image. Make it look official. Make it sound official. Say the chemicals in the drug are why it’s named that way, whatever. Calling a product Lipitor is basically just putting a tuxedo on for a dog photo shoot.

The second question comes from girlboss.com

What was the most valuable lesson you learned from the worst job you ever had, and what was that job?

—Annemarie Conte, executive editor, Woman’s Day Magazine

Great question, Annemarie. And oh boy, i’ve had some bad jobs in the past. While working at Burger King, I learned that if you give out free pies to cute girls, they will think you are great right up until they pull out of the parking lot and forget about you. Also, if you work at a slow Burger King, you can just eat as much food as you want. I was only making 6.75 per hour. There was no way I wasn’t getting Whopper drunk there.

I actually learned about loyalty at Home Depot. I wasn’t a particularly good employee, and I tended to wander out of my department to go hang out in the paint department and talk sports with the old guy who worked there. One day, I was helping mix paint, and I accidentally put the wrong tops on the wrong two cans of paint.

This is something that is easily noticeable. Except for the fact that the customer was color blind and painted his house backwards and it didn’t get caught til he had guests over. Management thought I did it on purpose and wanted to fire me. My supervisor, who I did not get along with a lot of the time, defended me nonetheless, and I managed to keep my job for a few more months. He definitely didn’t have to do that, and I’ll always remember it.

And as a little league baseball umpire, I figured out how to make parents from Crest Hill threaten to beat the shit out of me in the parking lot. A constant reminder that Crest Hill is the absolute worst.

Next comes from Southern Living!

6 Tips for Shopping Hobby Lobby like a Pro

-Nellah Bailey McGough

Don’t worry Nellah, I’ve got this!

1: Walk into Hobby Lobby

2: Go into the Wedding section, and take all of the Wedding Advice Boxes that people think is clever to have at a wedding (mine had several penises drawn into them) and stack them up into a large pile.

3: Set them on fire and run!

4: On your way out, grab as much yarn as you possibly can. When the cashiers try to stop you, throw said yarn at them. Everyone who works at Hobby Lobby is a lonely cat lady and will immediately focus on saving the yarn for their precious dumb cat.

5: Get in your car and drive as fast as you can through the entrance of a Chick Fil-A.

6: Go to jail knowing that you stood up for LGBTQ rights and saved the world from shitty advice written on paper notes at their weddings.

Finally, we have a handy tip from bobvila.com

Our 2015 Whirlpool Gold Series dishwasher is covered in a dark residue on the inside unit walls and door. The dishes come out “clean”, but the rust colored film occurs with every wash. We have run vinegar loads, super hot cycles with no dishes, checked the electric, checked the drains, cleaned the filter changed detergents. All to no avail. Any ideas? Note that if you wipe the inside of the dishwasher with a paper towel the towel will quickly turn brown/black with the residue. Do another load and it comes back. Any ideas what the residue is or how to end it? We are just outside of Chicago and have Lake Michigan water. Thanks!

-user: BV015084

For one thing BV015084, what the shit were you thinking buying a 2015 model? Everyone knows that the Gold series jumped the shark in 2013 and everything made after that is worthless. It can’t even properly handle Tide Pods, BV015084, way to think it through!! It doesn’t even match your goddamn kitchen. You got faux granite counter tops and then you matched it up with a white dish washer. How fucking tacky do you intend to be? Did you not even contemplate changing out the door knobs on the cabinets? Your kitchen looks like a cheap porn set, BV015084, and you have nobody to blame but yourself!

As for the mildew, it seems pretty obvious to me you have a ghost, or some type of evil dish washer apparition living in your appliance. Here is the problem, you thought you were buying into an up and coming neighborhood. Instead, you accidentally moved into a house that was built on top of a Civil War burial ground, and not one of the famous ones, either. This is what you get for moving into a neighborhood called “Cannonball Forge.”

The only way you are going to get rid of the spirit is to switch over to a Maytag Tall Tub with fan enabled pro dry, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BUY IT IN CHROME YOU HGTV NIGHTMARE COME TO LIFE.

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