You may have been waking up every morning wondering what eye-opening, woke piece of literature that Alexander Truly has written for the Fancy Boys Club, only to find yourself in a sea of disappointment as there is nothing for you to read.
Sadly, I have been put in a time out by the editorial staff for speaking the truth, to you, the smart, sophisticated reader of the FCB. For weeks, you’ve been hit over the head with posts about whatever football team the writers on this site care about this week. How pathetic is that? You all realize you’re just rooting for laundry, right? It’s not like these NFL teams pull players from the cities they’re based in. And these players and coaches move around so much, they have no loyalty to their teams, only to the all-mighty dollar. You’d be better off cheering for the staff of the stadium, as they have more loyalty to their jobs than Mr. Quarterback. Why not cheer for Janet at the concession stand? She’ll be employed at the stadium for years.
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A lot of other posts are about basketball and baseball. Great. More feats of strength where you cheer for teams that have no territorial loyalty. This site has just become the mastubatory fantasy of failed athletes who long to be back in the game, even though their bodies have withered with age. Is there any content on this site that’s worth reading, aside from my own work?
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These so-called “editors” won’t let me enlighten you in all things tantric or taking a trip to a great town to have a sexual awakening, but they have no problem ejaculating 1,000 words about each week of the football season. We get it. You’re burying anger deep down because you weren’t athletic enough to make it on your junior high basketball team. But where are these great minds analyzing life and everything that makes up the human experience? This is not what I signed up for.
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Why aren’t members of this supposed club going on adventures together, and if they are, why wasn’t I invited? Is my mind too free and open to be invited to the weekly potluck dinner, which I know Jack Baker hosts at his house? I’m sorry I don’t limit myself to making American cuisine and like to bring Nigerian dishes to pass. I brought enough afang soup for everyone for the FCB kick-off party, but no one showed up. It was just me, and my delicious food. I had ingredients flown in for this, but do you care? No!
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Now, I’m hearing about a weekly get together, and no one is saying shit to me. The editors banned me from writing for the site for a month, and they are constantly turning down my pitches. Are you telling me that you don’t want a 1,500 word essay about the best places to listen to my Phish concert bootlegs? You know you want to read it, you Phish-heads. Here’s a sneak peek.
- My Ford Astrovan parked where the Cascade Drive-In used to be
- Sitting outside in the parking lot of Springhill Mall
- At the home of the guy who drove his car through Woodfield Mall
- A wine cellar
I can’t give you reasons why those are great places though because I’ve been censored by this all-knowing, all-power group of editors. And in case you didn’t notice, that’s all sarcastic.
Let me be me.