FANCY BOYS FOOTBALL MAILBAG WEEK 8

Fancy Boys founder Matt Drufke doesn’t know anything about football. Lucky for him, Brandon Andreasen and Jack Baker do.

Each week, Matt emails Brandon and Jack NFL questions, they then immediately go and make fun of his lack of knowledge in a secret group chat. They then go and answer the questions. Here are those answers.

Let’s talk about blame, deflection, and the Chicago Bears. For every idiot on Bears Twitter who knew why the Bears lost to the Chargers yesterday, there was someone trying to lay some sweet defense. Sure, Pineiro missed those kicks, but the offense didn’t score enough. But how could the offense score with Trubisky as QB? But how can Trubisky succeed if the playcalling is bad? But isn’t the playcalling only bad because of the limitations of the offense? And what about the defense? Sweet gravy, can one of you idiots just answer: WHY DID THE CHICAGO BEARS LOSE?

Brandon – The loss on Sunday should be laid directly at the feet of head coach Matt Nagy. The play calling was as bad as I’ve seen in a long time. They had six chances to score a touchdown from inside the 4 yard line and managed to botch it horribly.

If this team doesn’t have something resembling a red zone offense halfway into season two under Nagy, then they aren’t going to randomly find it now.

Jack – Matt, I think you greatly overestimate how complicated football is.The Bears lost because the Chargers made more plays than they did. The Chargers forced two turnovers and the Bears only got one. Joey Bosa was a disruptive force who lived in the Bears backfield all day, while Khalil Mack had one sack on the last drive of the game, but was non-existent throughout the rest. In the Red Zone, the Bears only scored one touchdown on five trips, while the Chargers scored two touchdowns on four trips. Both teams were really bad, but the Chargers made slightly more plays, slightly fewer mistakes, and the team that does that pretty much always wins in the NFL.

I hear lots of people criticize coaches. But it’s not like the people are just being picked randomly from Bears Twitter. NFL head coaches are people with football knowledge and experience, and they’re surrounded with a staff to help them. So, let me ask: Are there bad NFL head coaches? What makes them bad? And who is the worst coach right now?

Brandon – Since I already piled on Nagy, I’ll go after two of my current favorite bad coaches.

Adam Gase should have never even been interviewed for the New York Jets job, let alone get it. Gase has, in essence, ridden a hot 6 game stretch by Josh McCown into two coaching jobs, while displaying zero roster building skill or any ability to coach young quarterbacks. Gase got the Jets GM fired early this year so he could condense his power and insulate himself from criticism. He throws his players under the bus to save himself whenever he needs to.

I’ve woken up on four straight Mondays now expecting Dan Quinn of the Falcons to be fired. The team is too talented to be this bad. Quinn is bad at roster building and game planning. Every week, a coach will go through and game plan for how they expect the opposing team to play them and the goal is to counteract any strategies put forward against them. Quinn doesn’t bother with any of this. Only the Jets and Adam Gase score fewer first half points. Meanwhile, they have been outscored in the first half by 18 points per game, which is impressively bad.

There doesn’t seem to be any strategy with this team beyond, “when we get down 24 points and the other team takes its foot off the gas, then we strike!”

Jack – Here’s a secret: most football coaches are bad. 

Just like everything else in America, the coaching profession is being dragged down by nepotism. As Patrick Redford wrote in Deadspin, “The primary effect of nepotistic hiring practices isn’t necessarily that a herd of unqualified failsons get jobs coaching the tight ends or “consulting” on the defense, it’s that a pedigreed group of people related to prominent coaches have the barriers to entry lowered almost completely for them. The sons and relatives of football coaches will continue to get starter jobs in perpetuity, and whether they are qualified or not to be hired for these positions doesn’t strictly matter.”

I agree with Brandon that both Gase and Quinn are terrible, but my money is on Freddie Kitchens as the worst coach right now. The Browns are a disorganized, poorly coached undisciplined mess. The greatest indication of how well-coached a football team is, is penalties. The Browns have committed far and away the most penalties in the NFL, despite the fact that they’ve only played 7 games while most teams have played 8. Everything about their organization is a disaster, and Kitchens may join the long list of Browns coaches who were fired after only one season.

Only one division has zero teams with more than four wins, and that’s the NFC East, Jack’s favorite division. It looks like the winner of the East may be some 9-7 garbage pile. Are all these teams just mediocre, at best? Let me ask this another way: is there an NFC East team who would be doing better if they were in another division? Which team, and which division would they have to move to?

Brandon – I mean, I’m pretty sure the Cowboys could win if they played in the Western Conference of the XFL, but watch out, the Seattle Vipers look hungry this year! The Eagles cant get healthy, the Giants are a year away, and the Redskins are basically a skidmark in the underwear of the NFL. The Cowboys SHOULD be good, but the moment they lost an offensive lineman, Dak Prescott turned really ordinary in a hurry. I say don’t have any teams from the East make it, and give their playoff spot to a more deserving NFC West team.

Jack – who gives a shit? Fuck the NFC East.

Which will happen first: a 49ers loss, a Dolphins win, a Patriots loss, or a Bengals win?

Brandon – Week 16, Bengals vs. Dolphins, babaayyyyy!!!!

Its the 49ers, though. They have a competent Cardinals team twice, the well coached Seahawks, and the Packers right before Thanksgiving.

Jack – The Patriots will lose. To this point, they’ve played such a cupcake schedule that SEC teams are jealous. It’s going to get harder for them from here on out, starting with a trip to Baltimore next week. The Patriots defense struggled last year with Mitch Trubisky’s mobility, and the Ravens have the most mobile quarterback in the NFL since Madden 2004’s Michael Vick. I think the Pats lose next week to the Ravens. The 49ers have a bunch of easy wins coming up (on what planet does Brandon think the Cardinals are a competent football team?). I don’t feel confident ever picking the Dolphins or Bengals to win, even when they’ll be playing each other.

I don’t mind not watching football, mostly because of how much I dislike listening to NFL announcers. Do me a favor and create your ultimate NFL announcing booth. Who does play by play, color commentary, and sideline reporting? Also, why is Terry Bradshaw still employed by anyone?

Brandon – There is a better chance of people rioting in Alabama if Bradshaw gets fired than if Trump is impeached. As for announcers, give me Gus Johnson and Tony Romo. Romo is as smart as they come and Johnson brings genuine excitement to the booth. Erin Andrews can patrol the sideline.

Jack – For play by play, I’m pulling Brad Nessler up from the collegiate ranks. He’s great on the SEC game of the week for CBS, and better than everyone doing play by play in the NFL right now. For color commentary, it’s gotta be Lewis Riddick or Anthony Herron. Lewis Riddick is the only NFL analyst on ESPN worth listening to. Anthony Herron is fantastic on The Score in Chicago, and I think he would make a great color guy, even though he’s never done it before. I want Pam Oliver on the sidelines.