I write this on Mondays. The Bears game is on in an hour. Let’s get to the damn rankings!
1: New England Patriots
Last Week’s Ranking: 1
The Good-The team looked completely indifferent to the entire concept of having to play football on Sunday. Like, the fact that they were being forced to play is below them. And in a big sense, that is true. Until midway through the 4th quarter, the Jets were being embarrassed up and down the field. The fact that the Patriots ended up giving 14 points is more a sign that they are bored and bum ass teams aren’t gonna get them going.
The Bad-I thought for a split second about moving the Chiefs to number one because they actually had to play someone this week. But the fact is, until they lose, the reigning and defending Super Bowl champions get this spot.
The Mike Glennon-What was your favorite memory of the Antonio Brown era?
2: Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week’s Ranking: 2
The Good-Patrick Mahomes is a goddamn magician. He makes playing quarterback in the NFL look so easy, in spite of the fact that he is playing at an expert level that is nearly unprecedented. It doesn’t matter who he has at running back. It doesn’t matter who he has at wide receiver. He is making stars in the same way that Aaron Rodgers does.
The Bad-LeSean McCoy got hurt, so I guess that isn’t the best thing ever.
The Mike Glennon-Honestly, at some point the Chiefs should just get Andy Reid a rascal scooter with all terrain tires. It would make Andy’s knees happy, and most importantly, it would make us, the general public very happy.
3: St. Louis Rams of Los Angeles
Last Week’s Ranking: 3
The Good-It doesn’t always matter how you win, but that you win. The Super Bowl runners up from last year are finding ways to win that aren’t as exciting as their offense looked last year, but the wins count the same regardless.
The Bad-Jared Goff accounted for 3 turnovers last night and Rams fans have to wonder if Goff can actually get the job done when the spotlight shines the brightest on national tv.
The Mike Glennon-On 14 carries last night, Todd Gurley’s longest run was 9 yards. His other 13 runs only brought in 34 total yards.
4: Dallas Cowboys
Last Week’s Ranking: 5
The Good-They made the game of football look very easy in the second half.
The Bad-They made the game of football look shockingly hard in the first half. I mean, jesus, they were playing the Dolphins. That game should have been 45-0 at halftime.
The Mike Glennon-I’m not sure why I’m still watching Jason Witten run (in a relative sense) around the football field. He retired last year to be a terrible announcer. Then he came back to be a slow, plodding tight end in an offense that is built for speed.
5: Green Bay Packers
Last Week’s Ranking: 7
The Good-The Packers defense is not to be flexed with. It’s impressive to say they have the best defense in a division that also has the Bears and Vikings. Aaron Jones had two touchdowns as well, making the running back a certified threat this year.
The Bad-Aaron Rodgers is still overthrowing the hell out of people. Somehow, I’ve managed to watch nearly every minute of all three Packers games this season, and he still looks visibly frustrated out there, like he almost kind of knows that he doesn’t quite have the gun of an arm he used to, and he hasn’t figured out how to use it when it’s turned down about 10%.
The Mike Glennon-Those pants they wore on Sunday. I know they are throwbacks, but they are the worst looking pants ever.
6: Baltimore Ravens
Last Week’s Ranking: 4
The Good-No shame in losing a hard fought battle to the Chiefs. Mark Ingram gashed them all day and Gus Edwards had a monster game. They fought until the bitter end. This is a team that nobody is going to want to have to play come playoff time.
The Bad-The Ravens missed approx.* 22 two point conversions on Sunday. That number is blowing it out of proportion, but not by as much as you’d think. Lamar Jackson is one of the most mobile QB’s in the NFL, and they had absolutely no idea how to move two yards.
The Mike Glennon-The Ravens have a difficult schedule over the next month playing the rest of th….gaahhhh. I can’t even finish typing that. The Ravens play each team in the suddenly trash AFC North over the next three weeks and have a chance to pull away from the division.
7: Buffalo Bills
Last Week’s Ranking: 10
The Good-Screw it. I’m a Josh Allen true believer. He’s fun. He runs around, he extends plays, and he’s not afraid to huck the ball downfield into triple coverage.
The Bad-For the everyith week this season, the Bills just barely got out alive against a team they should probably have beaten more easily.
The Mike Glennon-The Bills defense is too good, and the Bengals are too bad for the Bills to only have gotten one sack against Andy Dalton.
8: Indianapolis Colts
Last Week’s Ranking: 9
The Good-Jacoby Brissett completed 75% of his passes for two touchdowns and over 300 yards passing, and is cementing himself as a guy who isn’t a massive step down off a cliff from Andrew Luck.
The Bad-The offense really can’t afford to lose TY Hilton. After catching a touchdown, he immediately left the game, with an apparent aggravation of a quad injury that had been bothering him.
The Mike Glennon-No other receiver after Hilton had more than 3 catches, and only Zach Pascal went over 50 receiving yards.
9: Houston Texans
Last Week’s Ranking: 8
The Good-Deshaun Watson put up one of the monster games of the season on Sunday, throwing for 351 yards and three touchdowns. The defense tacked on five sacks and 12 tackles for loss, making the Chargers lives hell throughout the game. The Chargers running game was almost non functional against the Texans defensive line.
The Bad-Then again, the Texans running game was going through rigor mortis, they were dying so damn hard the moment they hit the line.
The Mike Glennon-It was a downright ugly day for fantasy owners of Texans receivers, as tight ends I can pretty much guarantee you weren’t starting in Jordan Atkins and Daniel Fells caught the three Watson touchdowns.
10: New Orleans Saints
Last Week’s Ranking: 14
The Good-Teddy Bridgewater managed to not step into a bucket and trip his entire team up, managing the game well enough for the Saints to get out of Seattle with a 33-27 win.
The Bad-More than half of Bridgewater’s passing yards were to Alvin Kamara. Teddy struggled all day to find his receivers against a defense that doesn’t exactly stop opposing teams passing games.
The Mike Glennon-The defense had zero sacks and only four tackles for loss.
11: Seattle Seahawks
Last Week’s Ranking: 6
The Good-The Seahawks made a furious comeback at the end of the game, and nearly put themselves into a position to win after they were pretty well counted out in the 3rd quarter.
The Bad-The Seahawks lost at home to a team that is notoriously bad at road games in weather that was made for them to win.
The Mike Glennon-Zero sacks. One tackle for loss. That’s an embarrassing output for a team that really needed their defense.
12: Chicago Bears
Last Week’s Ranking: 13
The Good-Mitch Trubisky looked like a real quarterback in the second quarter of the game on Monday night. He connected for three touchdown passes.
The Bad-The Bears scored exactly 3 offensive points outside of the second quarter.
The Mike Glennon-Akeem Hicks left the game with an injured knee, and even though they have depth on the line, he is impossible to replace.
13: Minnesota Vikings
Last Week’s Ranking: 16
The Good-Dalvin Cook is having a renaissance season, adding another 110 yards and a touchdown, and backup Alex Mattison added 58 yards and another score.
The Bad-The Vikings are proving that they are going to need to run the ball to score. In their two victories this season, Kirk Cousins has averaged 136 passing yards. He threw for nearly 300 in the game they lost.
The Mike Glennon-Any team that wants to beat this team really just needs to stop the running game and dare Cousins to beat them.
14: San Francisco 49ers
Last Week’s Ranking: 11
The Good-The 49ers escaped the game with a victory, which, at the end of the day is really the only thing that matters.
The Bad-But holy hell, they survived a game in which they turned the ball over 5 times. That’s crazy to think about. They lost the turnover battle by 3, and pulled off the game because the Steelers are hot garbage.
The Mike Glennon-Jimmy Garappolo did not look good at all. Games like this will happen. But the Steelers had made every team look good going into this week.
15: Detroit Lions
Last Week’s Ranking: 23
The Good-I HAVE NO GODDAMN CLUE HOW THEY KEEP DOING IT. They are obviously winning with sound defense and really good special teams, but I can’t figure out how they haven’t lost yet. Their coach is trash.
The Bad-Kerryon Johnson rushed the ball 20 times. Theoretically you can fall forward 20 times for two yards each time and end up with 40. Johnson ended up with 36 on Sunday.
The Mike Glennon-Their kicker still sucks pretty ferociously.
16: Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week’s Ranking: 21
The Mike Glennon-MINSHEW
17: Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week’s Ranking: 15
The Good-The team showed absolutely no die and fought til the bitter end.
The Bad-Then the bitter end came, and they found themselves having lost to the Detroit Lions in a game that every time I looked up, the Eagles were the team moving down field with the ball. I was shocked to find that they didn’t win the time of possession battle by a margin of like 42:18.
The Mike Glennon-The Eagles don’t look good. Their running situation doesn’t look good. Their passing situation doesn’t look good. Their special teams don’t look good. There are problems up and down this team.
18: SoHo Chargers
Last Week’s Ranking: 12
The Good-Keenan Allen went OFF to the tune of 13 receptions, 183 yards, and two touchdowns.
The Bad-The Chargers top two running backs, Austin Ekeler and Justin Jackson, averaged four and a half yards per carry, and yet only got the ball 14 times.
The Mike Glennon-No NFL team goes into panic mode and throws the ball 60 times as quickly in a game as the Chargers. Down by a field goal at halftime? Gotta pass! What’s even more stunning is that they were up at the half and still employed this strategy.
19: Atlanta Falcons
Last Week’s Ranking: 17
The Good-I’m sick of trying to say anything nice about this stupid team.
The Bad-The defense can’t create turnovers so opposing teams just casually move at will on them.
The Mike Glennon-Someone needs to wake Dirk Koetter the fuck up and let him know that the football games starts in the 1st quarter, not the 4th quarter.
20: Carolina Panthers
Last Week’s Ranking: 28
The Good-Kyle Allen mania, babayyyy! Ron Rivera has already announced that Cam Newton is out next week. He probably couldn’t wait to make that announcement. He was sprinting to where the reporters were to happily tell them that Newton was out.
The Bad-The Panthers defense had 8 sacks. I didn’t want to post anything bad. They deserve credit for making Kyler Murray’s life hell all day.
The Mike Glennon-That Panthers would probably be 2-1 if they ran Christian McCaffrey like this last week against the bum ass Bucs.
21: Cleveland Browns
Last Week’s Ranking: 18
The Good-Baker Mayfield completed 50% of his passes! Wait…that number is terrible!
The Bad-Adam Gase and Matt Patricia are in a foot race for worst coach in the NFL, AND HERE COMES FREDDIE KITCHENS DOWN THE BACK STRETCH!
The Mike Glennon-Running play on fourth and nine.
22: Tennessee Titans
Last Week’s Ranking: 19
The Good-This game was on Thursday so at least my Sunday wasn’t wasted.
The Bad-Travis Henry averaged 2.6 yards rushing. I’m like a broken record. If you dare Marcus Mariotta to win, he is going to lose.
The Mike Glennon-Thanks to the Titans defense, Gardner-mania goes on unabated.
23: Denver Broncos
Last Week’s Ranking: 22
The Good-Phillip Lindsey probably saved someone’s fantasy week by getting two touchdowns.
The Bad-Joe Flacco is pretty much done, but they don’t have anyone to replace him with. Drew Lock is currently on injured reserve.
The Mike Glennon-Poor poor Vic Fangio probably goes home every night and dreams of just having his old life back. And fanny packs.
24: New York Giants
Last Week’s Ranking: 31
The Good-Danny Dimes time in New York!!
The Bad-The Giants only won because the Bucs are a bigger pile of ass than they are.
The Mike Glennon-Saquon Barkley is going to be out for at least the next month. Something called a Wayne Gallman is going to get more rushes.
25: Washington Redskins
Last Week’s Ranking: 27
The Good-Terry Mclaurin is a really good receiver and has a chance to excel when the quarterback situation stabilizes in Washington.
The Bad-The offensive line is pretty ass. The Bears lived in the backfield and Washington couldn’t get anything going in the running game.
The Mike Glennon-I’m posting this at 10:45 on Monday night and going to bed. I wouldn’t be shocked if I woke up tomorrow and Jay Gruden was fired.
26: Oakland Raiders
Last Week’s Ranking: 20
The Good-Darren Waller had 13 receptions for 134 yards. That’s a great output for one of the really good stories of the NFL Preseason.
The Bad-Everything else. The Vikings moved the ball almost at will against the Raiders, and the Raiders continue to embarrass people who actually watched Hard Knocks and had faith in the team, and made people like me look stupid who thought they could cover the spread against an offense that struggled for two weeks.
The Mike Glennon-There should be a lot of fans apologizing to radio hosts, friends, and loved ones for going around screaming that Jon Gruden should be coaching their team and how good he is. Gruden isn’t a good coach. He sells Corona and talks on Monday Night Football. That’s it.
27: Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week’s Ranking: 30
The Good-Once again, they played well enough to be in a game late.
The Bad-And once again, they still managed to lose.
The Mike Glennon-This team cannot get pressure on the quarterback. At all.
28: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week’s Ranking: 25
The Good-Thanks to a monster Mike Evans game, the Buccaneers were in a position to win the game in the closing seconds.
The Bad-Their kicker shanked the field goal to end the game. He also missed two extra points, which used to mean a guy was instantly fired, but apparently not anymore.
The Mike Glennon-You have no business losing a game when Mike Evans goes off for 190 yards and three touchdowns.
29: Arizona Cardinals
Last Week’s Ranking: 24
The Good-They lost to a guy named Kyle Allen. And not the affable comedian Kyle Alan, either.
The Bad-David Johnson had a good fantasy season, and he has ridden that into a new contract and literally nothing else. I know the offensive line isn’t great, but he can’t make anybody miss. Chase Edmonds probably offers more upside at this point. The Cardinals should be sniffing around, seeing if anyone wants to trade for Johnson(cough 49ers cough).
The Mike Glennon-This is slowly turning into a go-nowhere season in a year where they probably can’t tank as hard as the Dolphins.
30: Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week’s Ranking: 29
The Good-The Steelers created 5 turnovers on Sunday…
The Bad-And still lost.
The Mike Glennon-It’s worth remembering that this team JUST traded it’s 1st round pick.
582: Being forced to watch Jim Breuer SNL sketches.
1384: Getting MRSA
2942: New York Jets
Last Week’s Ranking: 26
The Good-The offense came to life this week, scoring a whopping [[checks notes]] two points (extra points) against New England. At least the defense and special teams contributed, while the offense continued to just look fantastic under future XFL offensive coordinator Adam Gase.
The Bad-Leveon Bell has not gotten going yet, and I’m not sure if it’s his fault or not. That offensive line is traaaaaaaash.
The Mike Glennon-The new helmets look good. The new jerseys look like a failed Arena Football League design.
3291: Watching the Cubs get swept by the Cardinals on repeat forever
5196: Being forced to re-enact the movie Soul Plane at gun point.
7812: Miami Dolphins
Last Week’s Ranking: 136
The Good-Because they were playing the noon game against the Cowboys, a lot of people didn’t have to watch this game, which is good for them.
The Bad-This team looks like the Little Giants, except right at the beginning of the movie, and there is no Annexation of Puerto Rico that is going to save this Hindenburg of a franchise.
The Mike Glennon-Remember the movie Semi Pro, where Jackie Moon traded his washing machine for Monix? The Dolphins should be willing to accept household appliances in exchange for their players at this point.