I hate football. Actually, thats a lie. I love football. I love having a boozy Sunday, enjoying beer while watching the games at my favorite bar. I just hate everything else about it. Like, I hate Antonio Brown. He is a slimy, creepy shithead. I hate Roger Goodell, using Bart Starr’s widow as a shield to avoid getting booed in an NFL stadium. I hate everything about both teams from the state of Florida, and there isn’t a way for the Redzone network to mute both games.
Mostly though, I hate how football makes me feel, having to balance my feelings of rooting for people who are going to have dementia and CTE by the time they are 50. Having to root for people who are notable creeps and scumbags. And mostly, I hate…you know, no. It’s none of that. I just really fucking hate the Florida teams. Lets get to the rankings!
1: New England Patriots
Last Week’s Ranking: 1
The Good: They are the new gods we live under. Of course Antonio Brown fit into this offense. Everything fits into this offense. I’m not sure I’ve ever hate/respected someone as much as I do Bill Belichick. The only solace I can take is knowing that I’m allowed to eat peppers, unlike Tom Brady, who has the dietary constraints of one of those hairless cats super villains carry around.
The Bad: Antonio Brown is probably a full-on shitty human being.
The Mike Glennon: There is nobody to challenge this team. It sucks.
2: Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week’s Ranking: 2
The Good: It’s pretty early in the season for a team to look bored. Especially a team that pulled a no show act in the first quarter of said game. But then the second quarter happened, and the Chiefs spent the rest of the game doing a real life version of that hand jacking gif.
The Bad: The defense might not be very good. It’s hard to say, because the Raiders definitely suck.
The Mike Glennon: Nothing ugly here. They play a beautiful, sexy version of offense.
3: Los Angeles Rams
Last Week’s Ranking: 3
The Good: The Rams looked well equipped, health assumed, to make a deep run into the playoffs again. Aaron Donald just literally ruined the Saints season, and Jared Goff is playing like a top 10 quarterback in the league. With winnable games against the Browns and Buccaneers the next two weeks, then should be able to get some early breathing room against the rest of the NFC West.
The Bad: Does Darryl Henderson actually exist? He was so many people’s sleeper in fantasy leagues this year and i’m not actually sure he’s a real person.
The Mike Glennon: Todd Gurley struggled to average four yards a carry against a team that isn’t exactly known for it’s sterling defense.
4: Baltimore Ravens
Last Week’s Ranking: 5
The Good: You know, I really genuinely thought that Lamar Jackson was going to struggle heavily this season as the NFL caught up the Ravens offense and forced him to win by throwing the ball. On Sunday, Jackson threw for 272 yards and two touchdowns, and ran for another 120 yards. The only thing I’d like to see more of is Justice Hill taking swing passes out of the backfield. He looks like the fastest guy in the Ravens backfield and would force teams to protect against the edge run, leaving gaps for Jackson to work.
The Bad: They let the Cardinals hang around in this game, and it could have been a different outcome if Kliff Kingsbury hadn’t borrowed Matt Patricia’s balls last week.
The Mike Glennon: Nothing ugly til they lose.
5: Dallas Cowboys
Last Week’s Ranking: 7
The Good: I know it’s only two games, but since the Eagles just lost to a Falcons team I’m pretty damn sure isn’t all that good, the Cowboys become the prohibitive favorites to win the division. When this team is operating on all cylinders on offense, they can hang with any team in the league that isn’t named the Chiefs. Dak Prescott is hellbent on proving that he is worth 40 million per year, and it took exactly one game for Ezekiel Elliott to knock the rust off and go back to being an all pro running back.
The Bad: Dak Prescott’s inevitable new contract is going to put the Cowboys into salary cap hell here very soon.
The Mike Glennon: Taco Charlton is trying to be released by a team. Trust me from experience, it’s never good when tacos come back to haunt you.
6: Seattle Seahawks
Last Week’s Ranking: 8
The Good: Bill Simmons introduced a term forever ago called the “good bad team” in which a team is entertaining and can do just enough to beat bad teams every week before getting slammed back to earth by better teams throughout the year. I can’t tell if the Seahawks are a good team figuring out their personnel and everything will click by midseason, or if this is actually a bad but fun team. They did just enough to beat a bad Steelers team that played with a backup quarterback for a lot of the game. But they are 2-0, and right now, that’s what matters.
The Bad: You can’t let Mason Rudolph fight his way back into a football game. Nobody named Mason has ever won anything.
The Mike Glennon: The Seahawks are going to find a way to win 13 games this year with a negative scoring differential.
7: Green Bay Packers
Last Week’s Ranking: 9
The Good: They are 2-0 with two division wins under their belt already, which is huge. They were able to get their running game on track this week. But if we are playing the “quarterback whose posture makes you think he’s going to murder his coach by midseason” game, then Aaron Rodgers is in first place.
The Bad: His body language is terrible. He looks like he’s openly second guessing play calls in the huddle. At some point, the Packers need to let him have autonomy of the play calling and just see what he can do.
The Mike Glennon: No, but seriously, it took much longer than this for Aaron Rodgers to openly detest Mike McCarthy.
8: Houston Texans
Last Week’s Ranking:10
The Good: The best thing you can say about them is that they survived the game. It’s not often you see a player trying to fight his own coach on the sidelines, and that very same team going for a two point conversion to win the game at the end. It truly shows the mediocrity of the Texans week and how lucky they are to be 1-1, instead of 0-2, just another victim of Gardner Minshew’s magic.
The Bad: This offense, which looked like it could take on the world last week, looked like it could barely hold on against a team that was actively trying to fight eachother.
The Mike Glennon: The offensive line still sucks very aggressively. Like, a lot.
9: Indianapolis Colts
Last Week’s Ranking: 14
The Good: There is just something about this team. They play like they have exactly zero quit in them, like losing Andrew Luck somehow galvanized them.
The Bad:It is definitely time to take Adam Vinatieri out back and Old Yeller him. The 46 year old kicker missed two extra points this week, which is usually a pretty good sign that the free agent kicker caravan is about to pull into your town.
The Mike Glennon:They will probably sign Cody Parkey, because any time you can fix a problem by bringing in the exact same problem, but heavily faith based, you have to pull the trigger.
10: Buffalo Bills
Last Week’s Ranking: 16
The Good: For a different site, I wrote that this team could potentially run off to a great opening record because of their pillow soft schedule early on in the year. The only good team they play in the first six games of the season are the Patriots. I thought they had a real chance to start 5-1. I didn’t actually believe they were going to do it, but here we are. Their next four games are home for the Bengals, home for the Patriots, on the road for the Titans, and home for the Bengals.
The Bad: I’m not sure this team is actually good, but I’m ready to just put them in the top 10 of my rankings and leave them there until November. And by November, I mean December, because between now and then, the only non-Patriots games that they have they might lose are the Eagles and the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day
The Mike Glennon: Frank Gore is going to be crushed into elderly powder if he has to be the feature back all season.
11: San Francisco 49ers
Last Week’s Ranking: 17
The Good: Don’t look now folks, but the 49ers offense is starting to click into gear. The NFC West might be the best division in football, with even the Arizonal Cardinals looking somewhat entertaining even in losing efforts. The Rams are good. The Seahawks are good, and it certainly looks like the 49ers are going to be good. All bets are off when they get to divisional play, but this has to go a long way towards soothing doubts about Jimmy Garappolo.
The Bad: All of their running backs are dead. All of them. They are down to Tom Rathman and Garrison Hearst.
The Mike Glennon: While they deserve credit for being 2-0. They have beaten the dregs of the NFL. They are gonna get tested soon.
12: Carson City Chargers
Last Week’s Ranking: 6
The Good: The Chargers offense did everything in it’s power except score. Keenan Allen is putting up huge numbers and those numbers aren’t going to go down anytime soon now that Hunter Henry is out for the season.
The Bad: Matthew Stafford isn’t known for his mobility or general ability to stay upright. The Chargers are known for having a fearsome pass rush. So how on earth did the Chargers get zero sacks against this Lions team? That’s a full on tactical breakdown right there.
The Mike Glennon: Oh, and it’s in style to give your young quarterback boatloads of money, but the Chargers should buck that trend and be the first team to sign a kicker to a 20 million dollar per year contract, because you almost have to be trying to be this incompetent at kicking, at this point.
13: Chicago Bears
Last Week’s Ranking: 15
The Good: A win is a win, and when it really mattered, Mitch Trubisky was able to hit the biggest play of the game. Somehow, he needs to be able to mentally picture himself in the final minute of a football game the entire time.
The Bad: Mitch Trubisky has completed 5 passes to wide receivers not named Allen Robinson. No, not 5 receivers. Five passes. Total. The Bears aren’t going to get far with New Craig Krenzel at quarterback. They need a shot in the arm on offense, and quickly.
EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT GIFT OF THE WEEK
Buster Skrine better be sending an Edible Arrangement to the referee who called Roughing the Passer on Bradley Chubb at the end of the Broncos/Bears game, allowing the Bears to pull off the win, and Skrine, who jumped offsides on the Broncos missed extra point, to not be the goat this week.
14: New Orleans Saints
Last Week’s Ranking: 4
The Good: Welp….at least Drew Brees’ season isn’t over, and knowing him, he’s going to be back in three weeks instead of six, but this is still a tough break for a team that could have very easily broken from the pack in the NFC South.
The Bad: I’m not saying this team is screwed without Drew Brees, but when Carolina all of a sudden sees you on the schedule and gets excited, you might be screwed. The team had a near impossible time getting any offense going against the Rams. The Rams are good, but if they can’t get Teddy Bridgewater to throw the ball to Michael Thomas twenty times per game, they are pretty well screwed.
The Mike Glennon: Teddy Bridgewater put up downright Trubisky-esque numbers.
15: Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week’s Ranking: 12
The Good: Carson Wentz suffered a concussion, then tantrumed his way back into the game, which is just thrilling to watch, especially since he got briefly replaced by the immortal Josh McCown.
The Bad: The Falcons up and beat them on national TV, which really wasn’t a thing I was expecting to have to say when I wrote this. Shame on you, Eagles. Shame on you.
The Mike Glennon: Half their damn team left this game injured. That isn’t a good sign for a team that lives and dies by injuries.
16: Minnesota Vikings
Last Week’s Ranking: 11
The Good: Dalvin Cook is running like the best running back in the NFL, which is stunning because…
The Bad: When the Vikings absolutely needed to move the ball, they put the ball in the hands of Kirk Cousins, who can’t goddamn play football in the 4th quarter of a game.
The Mike Glennon: It’s kind of thrilling to know that the exact things I thought would ruin this team going into the season presented themselves by Week 2. Pretty spectacular to watch, if you ask me.
17: Atlanta Falcons
Last Week’s Ranking: 21
The Good: It only took them around 8 quarters of football to realize they need to throw the ball to Julio Jones.
The Bad: How in the hell does it take 8 quarters to realize you need to throw the ball to Julio Jones???
The Mike Glennon: Devonta Freeman averaged two yards per carry. He might no longer be the answer at running back, unless the question is: whose career fell off a cliff faster than Peyton Hillis?
18: Cleveland Browns
Last Week’s Ranking: 19
The Good: Myles Garrett is my favorite player to watch on defense. The guy is a world wrecker with Lebron James’ athleticism.
The Bad: The hit to David Njoku caused me to physically cringe last night. How is it a penalty to land on a quarterback too hard even though momentum is impossible to stop in the situation, but hitting a defenseless receiver jumping in the air to catch a ball isn’t?
The Mike Glennon: Baker Mayfield is still overthrowing the hell out of his receivers.
19: Tennessee Titans
Last Week’s Ranking: 13
The Good:Field nearly catching fire? Check
Leading receiver for the game getting 39 yards? Check
Your big free agent wide receiver signing getting negative one receiving yards? Check
Marcus Mariotta turning back into a pumpkin? Check
Losing your home opener to a team who failed to score twenty points because their kicker missed two extra points and will probably be jobless by the time you read this? Check
The Bad: Corey Davis, Tajae Sharp, and Adam Humphries are their top three receivers. Last week they combined for one catch. This week, they really stepped it up by getting 7 catches for a whopping 51 yards.
The Mike Glennon: This is what this team looks like if the opposing team is able to shut down Derrick Henry.
20: Oakland Raiders
Last Week’s Ranking: 18
The Good: They were ready to play when the game started. They get credit for that, at least.
The Bad: Aww, that was cute, the Raiders thinking they were grownups, wearing their dads pants and shoes and going out there and thinking they could hang with the Chiefs. The only reason the Chiefs didn’t put up more points is because it looked like they were completely disinterested in dealing with being tackled on a baseball infield.
The Mike Glennon: Josh Jacobs was averaging nearly 9 yards per carry, so it would have made sense to run him , oh, I don’t know, more than 12 times.
21: Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week’s Ranking: 24
The Good: Gardner Minshew looks completely comfortable as both an NFL quarterback and the Marlboro Man, so he has that going for him.
The Bad: This team is one of the least disciplined ever. And by that, I don’t even mean in terms of penalties. Just generally as people.
The Mike Glennon:Forget Gardner Minshew and the stuff happening on the field, I want a camera crew embedded with this team at all times. That’s what the Red Zone network is when they aren’t playing football. Jaguars 24/7. It would be amazing.
9:00 PM-Replay of Jalen Ramsey trying to fight his coach
9:30 PM-Myles Jack temper tantrum extended EDM Remix
10:00 PM-A Beginners Guide to Mustaches with Gardner Minshew
11:00 PM-Caddyshack 2
22: Denver Broncos
Last Week’s Ranking: 26
The Good: They would have won without the refs being on some bullshit.
The Bad: That’s a real gut punch game right there, and there is absolutely no way the Bears win that game without the bogus roughing the passer call on Bradley Chubb, but what is going on with Von Miller? Vic Fangio praised him last week as a guy who was doing a ton of stuff that doesn’t show up in the box score. But he didn’t show up in the box score again, registering only 1.5 tackles against a Bears team that gave up a ton of sacks last week.
The Mike Glennon: Oh man, the Broncos deserved to win that game for nearly six minutes in real life, and about 45 seconds of game time.
23: Detroit Lions
Last Week’s Ranking: 28
The Good: They won this week because several years ago, Dean Spanos was out celebrating burning down an orphanage and accidently ran over a voodoo priest’s son, and he was cursed to a lifetime of awful toupees and horrible kicking. Seriously, when Bears fans complain about kicking, the 13 remaining Chargers fans all scoff and sneer. Then they go back to eating fish tacos and forgetting they are Chargers fans.
The Bad: Matt Prater, their kicker missed an extra point and a field goal, which is just thrilling, the year of our lord 2019, better known as the year kickers ruined football.
The Mike Glennon: The defensive line, which was supposed to be a strength of this team, is having all sorts of trouble getting penetration. They had just one sack and three tackles for loss on Sunday.
24: Arizona Cardinals
Last Week’s Ranking: 30
The Good: Kyler Murray didn’t completely crap the bed. He threw for over 300 yards in spite of barely completing 50% of his passes. I’m not sure if there are written rules about what to do with a quarterback in his first game, but i’m gonna go out on a limb and say “the quarterback should throw 54 passes” isn’t in the list.
The Bad: For the first time in 45 years, a team has elected to kick a field goal from inside the five yard line on 3 separate occasions while losing a football game. It’s really stunning that Kliff Kingsbury looked at the cowardly clock performance of the Lions last week and thought to himself, “Yep, that’s the ticket!”
The Mike Glennon: They are playing just well enough to lose, which is good because they are playing the Panthers next week, who aggressively trip over their dicks to lose.
25: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week’s Ranking: 31
The Good: Congrats, Bucs. You guys won a game that makes me dream of watching the Titans vs. Jaguars on Thursday Night Football. The lightning delays were Mother Nature’s way of telling us to not watch this game. Jameis Winston did just enough to not lose a game that Cam Newton was doing everything he could do to lose. The NFC South might not be as good as people anticipated.
The Bad: Jameis Winston is still aggressively missing people with passes, because he continues to be garbage at quarterbacking.
The Mike Glennon: I really have no interest in ever watching this team play again.
26: New York Jets
Last Week’s Ranking: 23
The Good: Well, it can’t get much worse than this. At least next week they have the…[[checks schedule]]
The Bad: The Patriots??? Welp, the Jets are royally screwed.
The Mike Glennon: Who is gonna quarterback this team? And does it really matter? They are coached by noodle brained moron Adam Gase, who sucks. Hard.
27: Washington Redskins
Last Week’s Ranking: 25
The Good: Everytime this team loses, it’s good for America, and especially the part of America that thinks owner Daniel Snyder is a shit stain on the taint of society.
The Bad:This team has played four really good quarters of football. Unfortunately for them, those four quarters have been the first halves of their first two games, and they were so bad in the second half, they managed to lose both of those games. Jay Gruden is gonna get fired soon.
The Mike Glennon: Jay Gruden is gonna be the first coach fired, and i’m mad I didn’t get a chance to bet on it.
28: Carolina Panthers
Last Week’s Ranking: 22
The Good: They lost to the Buccaneers. The only good thing to happen was to coach Ron Rivera, who didn’t get fired even though he should have.
The Bad: Cam Newton is muerte. Dude can’t run. Part of his game was the fact that defenses had to stay honest because he could get flushed out of the pocket and make a run for it, but his Thelma and Louise dressing ass can’t run, meaning defenses are just gonna collapse the pocket on him at will.
The Mike Glennon: Speaking of coaches that are going to get fired, Ron Rivera and his offensive coordinator Norv Turner need to be duct taped to eachother, placed on a deserted island, and forced to figure out how to get loose and get off the island. Considering they can’t even figure out how to best use Christian McCaffrey, they will probably both die.
29: Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week’s Ranking: 20
The Good: It’s not often the Steelers have an opportunity to just flat out tank for a good draft pick, and they should probably take advantage of it, considering how goddamn bad their defense is.
The Bad: This team was cocky enough to think they could win without Antonio Brown and Leveon Bell. They had better still think they are cocky enough to win without Ben Roethlisberger. Nothing but backups for the Steelers! I want nothing but undrafted free agents on this roster! But they will win because of the logo on their helmet! And grit!
The Mike Glennon: James Connor, who was expected to be the new Leveon Bell, had 33 yards rushing, which isn’t going to get the job done.
30: Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week’s Ranking: 27
The Good:I had/have a certain level of faith in this Bengals offense when Joe Mixon is healthy and AJ Green comes back.
The Bad: But man oh man, there is not a lot of depth on this roster. They built this entire team as if their best case scenario was nobody getting injured and them winning eight games. I’m not even totally sure they are developing much in terms of line depth because as much as you want to think the Seahawks game was a step forward, the 49ers game was a gaping bullet wound of a step in the wrong direction..
The Mike Glennon: Quick! Quick! Name the Bengals last three first round draft picks. Yea, I can’t either. That’s not a good thing.
31: New York Giants
Last Week’s Ranking: 29
The Good: The Miami Dolphins are trying the most blatant tank job in NFL History.
**The New York Giants have entered the chat**
The Bad: People are calling for Daniel Jones to be starting quarterback.
The Mike Glennon: Daniel Jones starting at quarterback is a pretty ugly concept right now.
- 41: A one man show lovingly recreating the Rocky Horror Picture Show
- 65: Being forced to watch Dude Where’s My Car
- 98: Fist Fighting Connor McGregor
- 119: Dating Taylor Swift
136th: Miami Dolphins
Last Week’s Ranking: 32
The Good: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The Bad: Midway through the 4th quarter, they had sixty yards of offense. They could simply hike the ball, fall forward for two yards 3 times, punt, and still end up with 60 yards of offense. Truly a stunning level of incompetence.
The Mike Glennon: There are a lot of reasons to just sink Florida into the Atlantic Ocean, and the prospect of having to watch another Dolphins game is just another one.