10 Incredible Life Hacks for Millennials

Fancy Boy Kate Peterson teaches you how to succeed (kinda) in life without really (kinda) trying.

• Need your soda cold fast? Write yourself a note so that you remember to put it in the fridge when you get home from the store next time. Drink it warm now to punish yourself for your thoughtlessness. You like that room temperature Orange Fanta? Ahhhhh…tastes like college loan debt.

• Cable bill too expensive? Call your cable company and cancel your service because you can’t afford it. You’re an adult, goddammit.

• If you have oily hair before work – wake up an hour before you have to leave. Then take a shower, during which you wash your gross hair with shampoo and then rinse. This should give you clean hair all day while also getting rid of that Stank Ass your coworkers keep talking about behind your back.

• If you’re like me, it’s SO hard to get up to work out in the morning. Here’s a tip – sleep in your workout clothes! This means you will still be in pajama-like gear for when you decide to stay in bed like normal people do, because it’s fucking hot outside and Sausage McMuffins exist/are easy to obtain. If you go for a morning run in instead of sleeping later, you are a fucking sociopath.

• Chill wine by adding frozen grapes! But let’s be real, you’re not a wine drinker. You look more like an Icehouse kinda dude.

• Instead of paying for air freshener, stick fabric softener sheets on your vents. Besides making your house smell clean for essentially no money, this will give your cats something to play with. Your dozens and dozens of cats. 

• When traveling, save yourself time at the luggage carousel by placing a large, noticeable sticker on your bag so you can see it right away. Not this one though, you pieces of shit.

• Another travel tip! Keep a bar of soap in a small bag with your dirty clothes in your suitcase – that keeps everything from getting stinky. You’re on your own with your sex toys though.

• This one is a twofer – fill large buckets/containers with your sink by using a dust pan! Use the large bucket/container to waterboard your enemies until they have no secrets left!

• Use nail polish to identify different keys, this way you’ll never get your sex dungeon key mixed up with your regular dungeon key ever again!

Did these change your life? Of fucking course they did!