It’s Official: Gretna, Nebraska Is Pretty Alright

I’ve traveled all over the world, primarily Europe, seeing all the sites and eating my way through each country. However, the fresh pasta of Italy, the delicious sausages of Germany, and the tapas of Spain have nothing on the delectable cuisine of Gretna, Nebraska… probably.

Editor’s note: Alexander Truly posted this to the site before we had a chance to look this over. This post was not and would not have been approved. His thoughts and opinions do not reflect the editorial staff nor any of the writers on Fancy Boys Club.

We will keep this post in the public view simply because it had already gone wide, and we want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to FCB. Thank you for your understanding.

Why sample some of the freshest seafood available to man, when I could stop by for a quick nosh at Runza on S 216th St in Gretna? You can take your sushi, Japan, and throw it into the ocean because I’m headed to Nebraska’s #1 fast food chain and grabbing the Original Runza Sandwich. Just from the looks of this high-class Hot Pocket, filled with ground beef, cabbage, and onions, I know eating there would be a great start to my day. 

Allegedly beautiful downtown Gretna. Take it in, folks.

Sure, I’ve conquered all the Nebraskan mountain ranges like Panorama Point and others, but that probably doesn’t hold a candle to visiting the Pit Stop G&C on East Glenmore Drive. Would you find me walking back and forth, waiting for some teenager to think I look cool enough to buy them beer? Sure. Would I buy them beer though? Of course not. I’d love to take their money, go inside the gas station, and pick myself up a copy of the Gretna Breeze, the only newspaper I need. Knowledge is power, and the Gretna Breeze will let me know where to go and what to see in the city. Why spend the days aimlessly walking through this town which is more than likely beautiful and filled with amazing people when I can visit the Holy Family Shrine off I-80 and buy healing crystals or whatever that place may or may not have?

List, you’re probably skeptical. “Alexander, why are you going out of your way to tell us about this quaint little town?” It’s simple. I would more than likely enjoy visiting Gretna, Nebraska. It seems like a place that wouldn’t suck. Now, I’ve never been to Gretna, but I daydream a lot about going there, even though I’ve driven past it at least 40 times during the course of my life. One thing is for sure though. No one is making me write this. This is all just a passionate plea from a man who loves nature and that smalltown feel. 

And while I’ve never taken a walk down Angus Street or had a drink at Brag N Rights on McKeena Avenue, I know there has to be some sort of underground scene where the real partying is happening. I can imagine a breezy summer evening where I sneak through a fence, into the basement of someone’s house to partake in an evening of cigars and poker. 

Own a business here or go watch a pointless piece of film-making while visiting downtown.

Of course, the night wouldn’t end there. After about 15 hands, the local magistrate might come in with an 8-ball of cocaine, and while I wouldn’t normally partake in something like this, I could easily watch everyone else snort their way into oblivion. My hypothetical evening doesn’t end there though. At about 2AM, Miss Angelica, Gretna’s resident dominatrix, could come over and teach us all the pleasures of pain. Whip after whip in the smoke-filled basement, cries for help become moans of enjoyment as we would all cross the threshold into something more erotic.

But it wouldn’t end there. Oh no. Miss Angelica, myself, and the magistrate would then go on the hunt for the lost treasure of Gretna, tearing through some of the oldest buildings in the town. What could this treasure be? At one point, we would find ourselves at the old city hall building, which had become dilapidated and abandoned. As we search the spider-infested, darkened establishment, with the noises of our footsteps becoming deafening with all the echoes, we could learn that the real treasure of Gretna, Nebraska would be the city itself and the friends we made along the way.

My dream… If you dream big enough, it WILL become reality.

At this point, Miss Angelica, the magistrate, and I would all engage in coitus, our naked bodies rolling around the dust-covered floors. The act of love making would last for hours, until the sun rose, shining light onto our flesh. It would be at that point that the ghost of rancher Jasper Higgins would appear before us. But he’s not here to give us a spook. He would stare at us, smiling. 

I would take out my phone and snap a quick picture of the spectre and put it on the internet, truly putting Gretna on the map with the first tangible proof of the afterlife and ghosts. From there, my life would be made into a movie that would make billions of dollars, and a cinematic universe would spin out of it. I’d be the most famous man in the world, who would go on to bring world peace, and I couldn’t have changed the world if I hadn’t gone to this little town. 

Do you think you can change the world? You’ll never know unless you visit Gretna, Nebraska.

Disclosure: This post by Alexander Truly was paid for by the Nebraskan Tourist Board.

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