On the evening of Thursday June 27th, I found myself in a terrible situation. Most nights of the week I can watch wrestling-
To start the week, there’s WWE’s Monday Night Raw.
NXT is the WWE “minor league feeder show” on Tuesday nights.
Wednesdays bring AEW Dynamite.
Friday has WWE Smackdown, WWE’s NXT’s Level Up which is the feeder for the feeder show, as well as AEW Rampage.
On Saturdays one can watch AEW Collision, plus Saturdays and Sundays on any given month offer no shortage of Pay Per Views or Premium Live Events depending on one’s branding.
But Thursday nights… Thursdays are barren of wrestling. (We don’t acknowledge NWA in this house, sorry to my friends who work there)
And that’s how I found myself watching the presidential debate.
As two doddering old men (only one of whom is a WWE Hall of Famer) meandered onto the stage I felt the sense of dread growing in the pit of my stomach, no good was going to come of watching this. But I lived through ECW on TNN, WCW’s final years, and WWE under Vince McMahon’s last reign. I am weathered against rich, dumb, and/or old bastards who make terrible decisions that destroy the things they’re in charge of. Just, you know, it’s less fun when there’s more at stake than TV ratings and pieces of tin on leather straps.
Biden started with a voice hoarse and whispery enough that Jake the Snake Roberts would’ve been proud, but the whispers turn to mumbles and any comparisons to Jake start bringing to mind the less flattering eras of his career (Watch the doc The Resurrection of Jake the Snake for more info on that). What would he say to voters who felt they were doing better under Trump than they are now? The answer disappeared under Biden’s desperate need for some water.
If Biden gave shades of Jake the Snake, Trump is pure Ultimate Warrior- speaking loudly and decisively, but often just saying nonsense, both taking credit for his handling of COVID, but blaming all of the less popular measures on Biden (who, you know… wasn’t President yet)
Also, and I know this is low hanging fruit by this point, but the closed captioning on my TV has no idea what to do with Trump’s pronunciation of China.
Biden pitched a 25% tax rate on Billionaires, which would be popular on the left if anyone had heard it (thanks closed captioning).
Trump took credit for the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade, and tried to spin it as giving more voice to the people to decide by handing it back to the states. That was followed by the usual anti-abortion rhetoric of Dems being baby killers, while Biden remarked that by that logic one might as well let civil rights go back to the states (don’t give him ideas Joe)
After that the main theme of the night emerged, the border was going to be the main point Trump was going to hammer Biden on, and like the nWo in the late 90s is going to be involved in every segment from here whether it should be or not. Biden talked about how tough on the border he is, and how much more he wants to do if Trump hadn’t told Republicans to tank the latest border bill, while pointing out that for all Trump’s talk of supporting babies- his border policy regularly ripped babies from their mothers. Trump then says he had the best border (he had the best everything will be another theme of the night) and Biden has the worst, letting a steady stream of drugs and criminals and crazies cross the border. This is followed by lots of back and forth about homeless vets vs migrants being housed, Trump calling the US a rat’s nest (dude, check out your hair. THAT is a rat’s nest) Biden taking credit for the PACT act (increased health and disability coverage for veterans affected by burn pits in Iraq and Afghanistan, which is good, but also, you were VP for 8 years during the heights of that, so maybe hold off on the Barry Horowitz style patting of your own back on that one).
If Biden were to have a “Hulking Up” moment, it’s anytime the topic of who respects the troops more. Suddenly his eyes get narrow and his voice gets an edge to it. Trump blames Biden’s lack of respect on the world for every major conflict happening at present, saying it we hadn’t been weakened by Afghanistan, Russia would never have invaded Ukraine, as if Ukraine were a title and Putin had the Money in the Bank just waiting for the US to be too beaten to defend it. This is followed by Trump basically promising his own October Surprise (not a wrestling reference but a political one, look it up) saying he’ll have Russia out of Ukraine before his first day sworn in, if he’s elected. “Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see if it pays off”
They get into Israel for a while and Biden blames it all on Hamas, while Trump blames it on Biden not being tough enough on Iran, betraying that listening to these guys talk about Israel/Palestine is as useful as listening to Disco Inferno talk about women’s wrestling. This is followed by Jan 6th talk, and Trump sidesteps the question of voters being concerned about Jan 6th by hyping how great the country was doing then, until Biden took office. Also, like Snitsky- that was NOT his fault (he blames Pelosi) Biden blames Trump for Jan 6th, his refusal to denounce Proud Boys, his defense of Nazis in Charlottesville, Trump blames Biden for the George Floyd and other BLM protests (that happened when Biden wasn’t President, Trump was), and this is followed by a back and forth about who is or isn’t a felon.
“You’re a felon”
“Your son’s a felon and you should be too”
“You fucked a porn star”
“I didn’t fuck a porn star”
“You’re the worst president, scholars have all said so”
“My people did polls that say you’re the worst”
Etc.
If this were wrestling, this might be the point in the match where the two would trade punches or chops in the middle of the ring. Though I imagine these two trying to fight would be as disastrous as Undertaker vs Goldberg in Saudi Arabia and we’d be lucky (unlucky?) if no one died.
We go to a commercial break before returning for more of the same, and Biden is noticeably more animated when taking shit about Trump and how much he sucks than when trying to talk about policy. Policy is the one thing Trump has scouted, not in a way that also talks policy, but when Biden’s words fade toward the end of his turn to speak, Trump always has a dunk for how old/slow/senial/etc Biden is. And though I’m loathe to admit it, they land. Trump meanwhile is at his most vibrant when talking about the deluge of criminals crossing the border. They’re his answer for everything. Meanwhile Biden talks about being pro cop when talking about how he’ll help black Americans and right up there with his Israel take- way to not read your base dude.
When the refs, sorry, moderators, try to pivot to climate change, Trump keeps talking about how much cops love him (true, fascists love fascists), how much “the blacks” love him, and how his numbers are the best ever because people pouring over the border are taking jobs. When asked again about the climate he says he had “the best air, the best water, the best climate ever, all my people told me, we used all the energy…” followed by Biden remarking that he left every global climate agreement or treaty. Then Trump is back to the border, applying it like Randy Orton used to apply rest holds when he didn’t care about working a match.
I find myself wishing this was less AEW ppv match length, and more WWE Speed, because these old fucks are losing steam and so am I.
Trump accuses Biden of being a Manchurian Candidate for China, Biden says Trump has no respect for the office or the country, Trump calls Biden the biggest liar he’s ever seen, Biden says the US rules and everyone loves us, they rail on more about the border, etc.
They’re asked about being too old to do this as Biden will be one of the oldest politicians at the end of his second term, to which he remarks he was one of the youngest once, so he brings experience. Of course, Ric Flair is experienced and was young once, doesn’t mean his last match wasn’t still a bad idea and difficult to watch. Trump talks about dominating all of his cognitive exams and how great he is at golf, and then they bicker about who would be the better golfer and I haven’t been this upset at the very idea of golf since Chavo Guerrero was rechristened Kerwin White.
Trump then has to be asked multiple times whether he’ll accept results if he loses again, his answer is cageier than a WarGames match, relying on “if he thinks it’s a fair and free election” so, the answer is no. Biden calls him a whiner (he so clearly wanted to call him a whiny bitch).
We go to closing remarks and Biden won the coin flip to go first, and trying to talk policy again comes out difficult to follow. Meanwhile Trump in his final remarks rattles off catchphrases like LA Knight ending on Make America Great Again.
Now, having watched all of this I don’t know who “won” the debate. Honestly, if this is the match-up we’re getting, I think we all lost.
Riki Adams is a musician, comedian, podcaster, and FBC contributor.
Fancy Boys Club 