Every week during the NFL season, FBC co-founder Brandon Andreasen takes a look at the NFL and makes fun of a bunch of teams and players and bets to make him feel better about the fact that he roots for the Chicago Bears and is such a degenerate gambler, he is probably betting on Korean Table Tennis at this very moment.
The Pregame Show
Welcome back to the NFL season, my friends! The long, hot summer is over, giving way to the crackling winds and your most obnoxious friends on social media who claim that summer sucks and that we should all be enjoying fall, or as I call it, practice winter. While they are mostly just saying it because they want to be able to justify wearing hoodies everywhere, I’m excited because football season is back, which drags me out of my yearly writing funk so I can be pithy and mean about everyone’s favorite vehicle for Kansas City Chiefs hatred.
Here is how this is going to work every week: I’m going to go on a weekly rant to start, which will be known as the pregame show, because like pregame shows, this will mostly be pointless and self-serving. Then I’ll hit on four different topics from the prior week or the upcoming week. Then i’ll give you a brief power ranking, followed by me shitting on the Cleveland Browns. I’ll talk fantasy football, gambling, and the games. As always, my gambling advice should not be taken seriously. I’m that fella from the bible (editors note: he is thinking of greek mythology((just kidding, Brandon has no editor. It’s just me being an asshole.)) that pushes his boulder up a hill, only for it to fall down, but instead of a boulder, it’s my bankroll, and the hill is just a series of horrible three leg parlays.
Anyway, i’m going to use every down for somewhat of a season preview, because i’m still pissed that nobody read my rankings of Every King of the Hill Episode so i’m not doing a full season preview. You bastards.
First Down: Division Winners/Wild Card Teams
AFC East: Buffalo Bills-Easiest pick on the board. Miami has no offensive line or secondary. The Jets are just a feckless spoke in the wheel of the NFL, and for long time readers of me, you know that I will never take a team with Josh McDaniel as a coach seriously.
AFC North: Baltimore Ravens-Generally a tough division, it has gotten sneaky bad over the past couple seasons. The Bengals are going to be so hilariously bad on defense, Joe Burrow might have to throw for 6k yards to keep this team in games. The Browns are the worst thing to happen to Cleveland since their river caught fire. And the Steelers watched Aaron Rodgers last year and thought “oh, we can totally work with that.” Also, the offensive coordinator of the Steelers is Arthur Smith. He considers the phrase “three yards and a cloud of dust” to be too exquisite of an offense. Aaron Rodgers is going to get hit so hard he retires this year.
AFC South: Houston Texans. There are a truly pathetic amount of hot take artists populating the internet nowadays that it’s fairly commonplace for people to say any young QB that has a bad game is a bust, because rage bait is better than intelligent conversation apparently. Anyway, I say that to say this: ANTHONY RICHARDSON IS THE BUSTIEST BUST TO EVERY BUST HIS WAY THROUGH BUSTVILLE. This coaching staff will be fired at the end of this year because Richardson is a bust, and they still won’t play him because Daniel F’in Jones gives them a better chance to win. Richardson’s complete percentage is truly heroic, in that nobody has gotten away with being that inaccurate since the 1970’s. Like end stage Joe Namath on the Rams in 1977 bad. Anyway, I don’t trust Liam Cohen on the Jaguars to he learns hot to say Duval NOT like a serial killer. The Titans might be fun. Not good. But maybe fun.
AFC West: Denver Broncos-Sneakily one of, if not THE most competitive division in football. Even the Raiders are going to be a lot better (which is the equivalent of being the least broken dildo in a black and silver dildo factory, but still…). The division still goes through Mahomes and the Chiefs, but Bo Nix showed how you can be when you play in college until you are 32, and the Chargers are going to be really good until the moment they make the playoffs, like always. Both teams make the playoffs, but i’m going with Denver to win the division.
Wildcard: Kansas City Chiefs-While I dream of the day this team starts missing the playoffs, this might be the best defense the team has had during their run.
Wildcard: Jacksonville Jaguars-It’s really a sad state of affairs in the AFC when I have to decide between the Jags, the Steelers, and the Dolphins in this spot. I guess I’ll take Shad Khan’s regal mustache.
Wildcard: Los Angeles Chargers-Coin flip the Chargers or the Raiders in this spot. Either one is fine to get their teeth kicked in by the Broncos in round one.
NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles-While I find it funny as hell that the Dallas Cowboys may have withheld medical information and taken a week of abuse only for it to turn out they fleeced the Packers, but Philadelphia is still the team to beat in the NFC. The Commanders are not going to pull off “oldest team in the NFL” twice in a row without it crumbling around them. I don’t even know what to say about the Giants that hasn’t been crudely spray painted onto the Holland Tunnel?
NFC North: Green Bay Packers-I was picking the Packers before the Parsons trade, and now they are definitely the team most set to compete with Philadelphia for the NFC crown this year. The Lions are natural regression candidates due to the heavy losses on their coaching staff, but they should have better injury luck this season. The Bears might not have a secondary by week four, and the Vikings are not going to up and make me believe JJ McCarthy is a good quarterback.
NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Forgive me if i’m not buying into the Falcons hype. That team has boring 7-10 written all over it. The Carolina Panthers could be interesting except for the fact that they might have the worst defense in the NFL. The Saints are a mere 10 months away from drafting a new quarterback with the first pick in the 2026 draft.
NFC West: Los Angeles Rams-The 49ers will have positive regression in terms of health, but the Rams are well equipped to handle the division, so long as they are able to tailor an offense around Matt Stafford’s bad back. The Seahawks and Cardinals are getting a lot of hipster love. Don’t listen to hipsters about anything, especially penny-farthing bicycles football.
Wildcard: Detroit Lions-I think they fall off, but they don’t just drive off the cliff and finish 8-9. Team still has it’s stars all over the field.
Wildcard: San Francisco 49ers-I never have been, nor will I ever be a huge Brock Purdy guy, but this team is going to get it’s wide receiver corps healthy by week 6, and will actually be formidable with Brandon Aiyuk, Jujuan Jennings, Ricky Piersall, and George Kittle.
Wildcard: Washington Commanders-Somewhere, deep down, I want to put the Cowboys here. I think them going on a revenge tour would be pretty funny. That said, they have one of the five worst defenses in the NFL, so I’ll take Washington, since I actually think old, fat Deebo Samuel will be an asset to Jayden Daniels and this offense in year two.
Second Down: Super Bowl Prediction
Bills 38-Packers 28
This could be a great year for teams playing in states where they are overshadowed by much more important cities in their state. For Buffalo, it’s New York City. For Green Bay, it’s whatever town they did that documentary “Making A Murderer” in.
Third Down: Award Winners
MVP: Lamar Jackson-Should have won last year.
Offensive Player of the Year: Ja’mar Chase-Has a legitimate shot at going over 2200 receiving yards this season.
Defensive Player of the Year: Aidan Hutchinson-If he is fully healthy, he is going to put up 20 sacks this season.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Cam Ward-Not in the worst position ever as a rookie quarterback, even though his coach sucks.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Abdul Carter-Day one, out of the package game wrecker.
Coach of the Year: Liam Cohen-Say it with me, creepily, duuuuuuuvallllll.
Fourth Down: Random Preseason Thoughts
- A couple weeks ago, it was announced that ESPN had purchased large amounts of NFL’s media footprint. That included Redzone, one of the best things to happen to degenerate football watching. What made Redzone great was that it was seven hours of non-stop, commercial free football. Well, on Wednesday, host Scott Hanson confirmed that ESPN will be putting actual commercials into the network. ESPN is truly the worst thing to ever happen to sports. I never thought i’d say Barstool had more integrity with their product, but here we are. ESPN is a trash company built on the brazen stupidity of the mouths of Stephen Smith and Skip Bayless. They ruin everything they touch. Now they are here to ruin my favorite part of Sunday. I hope that a piano falls on whoever decided on this, Looney Tunes style.
- Tom Brady is now being allowed in production meetings so he can sound less terrible when he is announcing NFL games, in spite of the fact that he owns part of the Las Vegas Raiders. This feels…not ideal to allow an active member of a team to be able to interview and gain knowledge of other teams in the league. The NFL used to consider itself a bastien of integrity. Now they cave in the moment they are sold. Roger Goodell is going to sell the league to the Saudis within a decade. I guarantee it.
- The new Cowboys documentary on Netflix is fantastic for a sicko like me who is willing to watch an eight part doc in which six of the episodes revolve around Jerry Jones’ ability to fellate himself in steaming form. It is definitely worth a watch if you are under 40, or just weren’t paying close attention to what was going on in Dallas during the glory years. Whole lotta stuff we could not have gotten away with now, with social media and whatnot. We used to be a proper society, where drugs and prostitutes could be done without it ending up on Twitter.
Top Five Power Rankings
1: Philadelphia Eagles-Best until proven otherwise.
2: Baltimore Ravens-Perpetually nailing their drafts keeps them here every season.
3: Buffalo Bills-I have some tables i’m ready to sacrifice to the football gods for this team.
4: Green Bay Packers-If Parsons is healthy, they are contenders.
5: Kansas City Chiefs-Hear until Andy Reid loses interest.
Bottom Five Power Rankings
28: New York Giants-If this offense is going to be ass, why not at least give us Jameis Winston hucking the ball 70 yards downfield to Malik Nabers all year??
29: Tennessee Titans-It’s going to take a while to get that Will Levis stink off this team.
30: New York Jets-The fact that Justin Fields and praying that the forward pass to get outlawed isn’t one of the two saddest quarterbacking situations in the NFL is truly stunning.
31: Cleveland Browns-That entire rookie quarterback charade, just to land on Joe Flacco is some next level self-sabotage.
713: Getting your genitals caught in a bear trap
714: New Orleans Saints-It shows how much I pay attention anymore that up until last week, I thought Spencer Rattler was a character on Yellowstone. Turns out he is the starting quarterback for the Saints. I think i’d rather be on Yellowstone.
Who’s Having a Worse Week than Browns Fans
Kim Jong Un. Anyone paying attention to the news saw that China held a dick waving contest this past week. Their Victory Day military parade was an opportunity for non-democratic worldwide leaders to come together, and the bromance between Chinese president Xi Jinping and Russian leader Vladimir Putin was evident. They stopped just short of holding hands while whispering sweet nothings about organ transplants to become immortal.
You know who else was there, just kind of third wheeling it? North Korean King(?) Kim Jong Un. In every picture, he is just off to the side. Every comment made by pundits includes Putin and Jinping, but everyone pretended that Un wasn’t even there. You know you are having a bad week when you get gussied up in your favorite suit, take insane safety precautions just to get to China, only to find that you are being iced out by the popular kids.
Fantasy Player That Ruined Your Week
Stephon Diggs. The season hasn’t started yet, but Diggs is already answering questions as to whether he is a distraction in the locker room. That’s not ideal. I don’t know a troublemaker like this could happen in that vaunted Mike Vrabel locker room. Vrabel might be the least rotten apple to fall off the Belichick coaching tree, but that still doesn’t make him the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi. Diggs will be in open rebellion by Thanksgiving.
Thursday Night Bets To Ruin Your Weekend
Total Points over 47.5 (-115)-While week one games tend to be sloppy and disjointed (I have a theory on this happening because of the extra commercial breaks throwing off the timing for the players), the Cowboys defense should be bad enough that a couple tush pushes, an AJ Brown touchdown, and a few field goals, followed by the Cowboys trying to desperately pass their way back into the game at the end will get the over.
CeeDee Lamb anytime touchdown (+145)-Quick, name a Cowboys running back! Exactly.
The Games
Cowboys at Eagles: The Cowboys will make it look close in the box score by the end of the night, but the Eagles are taking this one.
Chiefs vs. Chargers in Brazil: I don’t trust these overseas games. The players are just off, especially in week one. I dunno. I’ll take the Chargers I guess.
Giants at Commanders: Desperately want to take the Giants for the upset, since every year, we have one massive upset in week one that causes a fanbase to lose their minds and think they are going to the Super Bowl, only for the team to spontaneously combust the rest of the year. But i’m saving that for a different New York team.
Panthers at Jaguars: Many games are now steamed on different apps like Peacock of Amazon Prime. This game will be exclusively seen on closed circuit television at some of the more apathetic gentleman’s clubs in the Florida panhandle. Jaguars win in Liam Cohen’s debut.
Steelers at Jets: Upset of the week! Justin Fields revenge game! The Jets will win five games all year, but this will be one of them.
Raiders at Patriots: Maybe a mild upset if the Raiders win, but I think they are a good team in a much more competitive division, and I tend to lean towards the veteran quarterback in week one over the younger starter in a new offense.
Cardinals at Saints: I am starting to realize i’m leaning to the road teams a lot in week one, which is a dangerous strategy. For a lot of fan bases (New Orleans, both New York teams, Indianapolis), week one is the only week that represents them having any hope for the team, and they tend to root loud for them. That being said, I genuinely have no idea where the offense is coming from for the Saints, so I’ll take Arizona.
Bengals at Browns: The Bengals defense is going to get their asses handed to them most of the season. This will not be one of those weeks. Take the Bengals against this trash team.
Dolphins at Colts: Total stab in the dark here, but I need to take a home team at some point, so i’ll take the Colts.
Buccaneers at Falcons: Buccaneers. Don’t overthink it. They are the better team.
Titans at Broncos: Cam Ward is going to have a decent rookie season at sea level. Denver is notably further up than that. The rarified air has a way of slowing down running quarterbacks, especially ones not used to playing in that environment.
49ers at Seahawks: Is this the Christian McCaffrey dead cat bounce season, in which his career is over, but he still slaps together one more good season before it all falls apart? Does Sam Darnold turn back into the apple cheeked goon he was for his entire career until last year? I’ll bet on McCaffrey for week one. Take the 49ers.
Lions at Packers: The atmosphere in Green Bay will be insane. I think the Lions go on a seven game winning streak at some point during the season, but it won’t be week one. I’ll take the Packers.
Texans at Rams: I feel like a back injury is the kiss of death for quarterbacks, which makes it even more impressive that I have the Rams winning this division. That being said, Texans fans are going to flock to that stadium in LA, and turn it into a default home game for Houston. People are down on Houston this season a bit, which is odd to me, because I believe they might have the best defense in football, with two legitimate defense player of the year candidates in Will Anderson and Derek Stingley. I’ll take the Texans.
Ravens at Bills: This game rightfully deserves to be on Sunday night football. This is THE showcase game of the week. I’ll take the Bills week one, but honestly, flip a coin.
Vikings at Bears: IF, and that’s a big if, the Bears can slow down the Vikings pass rush, they should be able to put up huge numbers against one of the worst secondary units in football. Ben Johnson put up 30 points in both games against Brian Flores’ defense last season, but that was late in the year with an established offense. This is week one in a new offense, with an unproven quarterback. Send your hate this way, i’m taking the Vikings.
Gambling Lock
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -1.5 (-115). There has been some preseason hype around the Falcons, and it’s obvious if you have been reading that i’m not going to buy into it. The Falcons will stay competitive because they still get to play the Panthers and Saints four times, but they should get their asses handed to them while playing the adults in the division.
Gambling Long Shot
Alternate Spread Las Vegas Raiders -6.5 (+285). Drake Maye is going to be running for his life if he isn’t hucking the ball at Steph Diggs. His next best receiving option is either whatever’s left of Hunter Henry or rookie Treveon Henderson, who is currently listed at third on the running back depth chart. Meanwhile, the Raiders have inserted a really good veteran into an offense that drafted Ashton Jeanty and already has Brock Bowers. I’ll take the Raiders giving a touchdown.
Degenerate Bet
Tyler Warren, Trey Mcbride, Evan Engram, Cole Kmet anytime touchdown scorer parlay (+16936). 10 bucks to win nearly 1700! Let’s go! ALL TIGHT ENDS! ALL THE TIME! HAPPY WEEK ONE EVERYONE! WE MADE IT! HAPPY GAMBLING!
Fancy Boys Club 