Where will Tucker Carlson wind up next?

If your super-transphobic family member who seems to only post stupid memes on social media seems a little sad today, I think I know why: their hero no longer has a platform. There is no reason to state this other than with the most blunt of terms: today, Fox News has fired Tucker Carlson.

Carlson, a man who treats truth and decency like the neighbor’s dog treats the particularly large path of grass outside my house, will not be fulfilling the promise he made to his viewers when he told them on Friday that he would return on Monday. Is it possible he is just learning of his termination today? Is it possible that he knew on Friday but also cannot help but lie all the fucking time? Honestly, it’s kind of a coin toss. With so much currently unknown, there is only one thing which seems to be true: Fox News’ highest-paid and most-watched personality will not be on the network.

So what will he do?

Fortunately, for Tucker, I have thoughts…

Start his own subscription service

Honestly, this one seems like the most obvious choice. Be it a podcast or youtube channel, substack or possibly OnlyFans, Tucker knows the reason why he got paid so much is because is fucking stupid idiot face was the one most Fox viewers wanted to see. So, the best way for him to make the most money is to cut out everyone else and just go to the people directly himself. Why try and find another network when he can just stream from the privacy of a home studio, proving to us all that you can be as racist as shit while still wearing pajama pants? Hell, this may be just what he needs to start wearing those idiot bowties again! ODDS: 3:2

Go to another news service

No one is going to match his $35 million/year that Fox was paying him, not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. Still, trying to start your own service is hard, and Carlson doesn’t seem like a guy willing to put in the work, so he may lower his price to jump over to one of his competitors, perhaps one that has yet to lose three-quarters of a billion dollars to Dominion Voting Systems! But where would he go? The possibilities may seem endless, but there are, in reality, few places that would be willing to put up with his nonsense. ODDS: OANN- 4:1, NEWSMAX- 11:2, DAILY WIRE- 6:1, INFOWARS- 15:1

Join the Trump 2024 Campaign

During the Dominion lawsuit, tons of embarrassing texts came out showing how Carlson truly felt about the man whose balls Tucker made the decision to attach his lips to for the better part of five years. There are tons I could tell you about, but this one sums it up best:

I hate him passionately.

Tucker Carlson, texting about President Donald Trump

Which, like… yeah, we get it, Tucker. Us, too.

Perhaps a fawning interview a few weeks ago made his millions of fans forget all the texts which came out. This would allow Cucker Fartson (or whatever his name is) to align himself with the former president. Both men are idiots who get the best response from the same rabid fan base when trying to anger their political opponents. Honestly, the biggest reason this probably won’t happen is because Trump would not be able to be around someone who is just as big of a deal as he is. ODDS: 20:1

Become the new spokesperson for Dominion Voting Systems

Let’s face it, Dominion could afford him. They did just come into some extra money. ODDS: 500:1

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