Kevin Durant is one of the best basketball players ever. He is also looking for a new home. The problem with the NBA is, there are only 29 other jobs out there if he doesn’t want to be a Brooklyn Net. And there are only 28 other teams, because I feel pretty safe in saying that Golden State is fine winning championships without him. And i’ll just say 27 other teams, because i’m a miserly Chicago sports fan who cannot even dream of the concept of a player of Durant’s caliber ending up on the Bulls. I’ll just go on pretending that things will be just as good with Zach Lavine.
The other problem with the NBA is, they have a pesky thing called a salary cap. The farther over the cap you are, the more excessive you pay into the luxury tax. The rule is made to keep teams from assembling rosters so loaded with talent, that the entire point of having an NBA season goes out the window.
Of course, going over the cap brings no promise of success, either. The Los Angeles Lakers are essentially 45 million dollars over the salary cap, and they bring endless joy to the basketball public by being terrible.
If Kevin Durant wants to go to a team that doesn’t have to make a lot of salary cap magic happen to bring him in, his choices are essentially the Detroit Pistons and the Indiana Pacers.
The Detroit Pistons have 31 million dollars worth of cap space right now and could easily pick up Durant for Kelly Olynyk’s contract, Saddiq Bey, first round picks in 2023, 2025, 2027, 2029, and pick swaps over all of those years in the middle. Putting Durant with last year’s number one pick, Cade Cunningham, and top 2022 picks Jaden Ivey and Jalen Duran to create a team young enough to be a juggernaut past Durant’s prime. Of course, that will never happen. Even though Detroit is approximately 1.2 million times nicer than people who have never been there seem to think it is, the city isn’t good for the Kevin Durant brand, and he would never want to actually play there.
I’m not even going to bother justifying the Indiana Pacers because Indiana is a godless hellhole.
With all that said, i’m not here to write a massive think piece about the pros and cons to Kevin Durant going to each team. I’m here to find Kevin Durant a new job. Any new job. Let’s take a look at what we can get for the Brooklyn Nets for the services of one of the best players of his generation.
Trade: Kevin Durant to Al’s Italian Beef (to be hereby renamed Al & Kev’s Italian Beef)
The Nets Receive: 1 Goofy Picasso Statue, 1.5 tons of Gardianara, the rights to three staff members from Weiner’s Circle
There is no way our basketball team will be able to put together the proper trade offer to Durant to Chicago, so i’ve got to get creative instead. The Nets, and the city of New York, will be receiving some much needed artwork that does not yet smell like old garbage. Alongside that, they will be getting the only vegetable based condiment worth a damn (with apologies to kimchi),
I think what really gets the deal over the edge is the rights to bring in up to three members of seminal late night spot to play for the team, the concession staff, or maybe just to cause havoc. I don’t care, they will be Nets.
With Durant on the Al’s roster, more of the world can find out the most important thing about what Chicago brings to the culinary taste glands of this godforsaken country: Italian goddamn beef. People might think the Chicago Style Hot Dog or the Deep Dish Pizza is Chicago’s greatest gift to gastronomics. It’s not. It’s beef, cooked slowly, cut thinly, put in a fresh piece of bread, covered in peppers and gardianara, and dunked into the au jus that has been acting as a meat bathtub.
Whether we are getting Durant to Al’s or Johnnie’s, we will get it done. If need be, we can toss in the stupid bean.
Trade: Kevin Durant to the LIV Golf Organization
The Nets Receive: 45 Billion Dollars
Phil Mickelson is a fat bloated lump of a gambling addict His only relevance is the fact that he was a good golfer at the same time that Tiger Woods was a great golfer. He has been involved in gambling scandals that would get him suspended indefinitely from team sports. He is Pete Rose before Rose burned every single one of his bridges. And he just got 200 million dollars from the Saudis to promote and play in their sideshow act of a golf league.
When your finances are essentially infinity, you can afford to give someone more than the GDP of Serbia to come and play some golf, whether said person understands golf or not.
Truth is, i’m totally fine with Saudi Arabia spending their money on golf instead of professional wrestling. For a few years, WWE has had this weird blood money film covering it. That’s because they were getting paid 50 million dollars per show to act as a tourism video for Saudi Arabia and their royal family. The shows weren’t very good. Retired wrestlers were brought in to act as spokespeople for a brutal government regime. It was a slap in the face to wrestling fans.
So yea, i’d be totally fine with Durant just getting all of that instead. I didn’t grow up with Kevin Durant. I grew up with WWF, which as it turns out had plenty of awful people…you know, it’s all bad.
Trade: Kevin Durant to the United Kingdom
Nets Receive: Falkland Islands
Kevin Durant has had to play with and co-exist with noted head cases Draymond Green, Kyrie Irving, and James Harden. He is an international icon. There is nobody I can think of that should be the Prime Minister more than KD.
In return, the Nets get valuable property. The Falklands were an island chain that was in Spanish hands until England came in and aggressively gentrified it. All the team has to do is put up a carbon neutral coffee shops, flats, and a vegan poutine joint, and call it New Bed-Stuy.